


Am I Not the Hero?

by Lilfella



Category: Sanders Sides (Web Series)
Genre: Abused Creativity | Roman "Princey" Sanders, Abusive Relationships, Angst and Hurt/Comfort, Angst with a Happy Ending, Anorexia, Anorexia Athletica, Anorexia Nervosa, Body Dysmorphic Disorder, Caning, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Emotional Manipulation, Fat Shaming, Forced Undressing, Gaslighting, Gen, Grooming, Hurt/Comfort, I'm so sorry, Internalized Fatphobia, Isolation, M/M, Manipulation, Monsters, Near Death, Non-Consensual Bondage, Non-Consensual Oral Sex, Non-Consensual Touching, Physical Abuse, Remus is a good bro, Remus is ooc, Restraints, Self-Esteem Issues, Self-Hatred, Sexual Abuse, Sexual Assault, Suicidal Thoughts, Suicide Attempt, That's why I have them separated in the relationships tag, The relationship name for all of these guys being friends is too long for AO3 lolololol, Unsympathetic Deceit | Janus Sanders, Verbal Abuse, almost, both types are present, fatphobia, guilt tripping, i swear i tried, written as platonic but could be read as romantic, you do you
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-10-19
Updated: 2020-10-19
Packaged: 2021-03-08 19:55:22
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence, Rape/Non-Con
Chapters: 18
Words: 41,576
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27092395
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Lilfella/pseuds/Lilfella
Summary: After the events of Putting Others First, Roman's world is crumbling down. Luckily for him, Janus is there to help.Hey folks! This is another dark one (shocking, I know lol). Heed the tags and do let me know if I missed any! This is dealing with several sensitive topics, so tread cautiously and take care of yourselves! This is written to represent both my second/ third set of parents, a baaaad relationship I was in for a hot minute, as well as some other things that I wanted to express in my writing that I haven't been able to yet.
Relationships: Anxiety | Virgil & Creativity | Roman & Logic | Logan & Morality | Patton & Thomas Sanders, Creativity | Roman "Princey" Sanders & Dark Creativity | Remus "The Duke" Sanders
Comments: 128
Kudos: 99





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> Hi folks! This has been my baby for _months_ now! I hope you enjoy!!
> 
> For this first chapter, we only have a few tw's for manipulation, guilt-tripping, verbal abuse, and negative thoughts and self-talk throughout.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This has been my baby for _months_ , so I really hope you enjoy it!!
> 
> This fic is really meant to show what grooming can look like. Therefore, as you move through this fic, assume any interactions between Janus and Roman are part of a grooming strategy. You'll also notice that I don't use lines of tildes in this fic as much as I do with other fics. That's because so many of the tw's are present throughout the chapter, it would be more confusing to try to put tildes around everything than it is to say "Here be dragons."
> 
> I would also ask that you not put victim blaming in the comments, nor anything graphic or triggering. Saying "I went through something similar" is totally fine! But detailing it or venting about how you're still there is triggering, both for myself and others.
> 
> We have some trigger warnings for this first chapter. There's a lot of negative self-talk, manipulation, and guilt-tripping throughout. Be careful with yourselves!

As soon as Roman was back in his room, he sank to his knees on the plush carpet, twisting his hands in his hair. He thought back to just before they were all pulled into a courtroom.

_“Are you seriously siding with Deceit?!”_

_“Are **you** seriously so close-minded to think that **everything** said by someone you don’t like is automatically untrue?”_

_“I didn’t mind Roman’s little “Aunt Patty in the hospital” excuse.”_

Over the course of that day he’d seen Patton stumble but rise back up. He knew he could always trust Patton to be in the right, and he’d thought that Patton had pulled it off again. Deceit - Janus, he’d have to remember that - had been the villain that day, and Roman had been the simple-minded commoner, falling for each and every one of Janus’ tricks, feeling happy when he was validated, confused when Janus has teased him, only coming back to his senses when he saw how unhappy Thomas and Patton were. He’d given up Thomas’ dream, but it was for a worthy cause. The villain had been opposed, the decision had been made according to what Patton had deduced was right, and while Thomas wasn’t _thrilled_ , at least he knew he wasn’t going to do what the villain said. He was going to do what was right! His sacrifice had purpose!

Until it didn’t.

_“He’s asking us to go back on things we’ve known for years! Rights and wrongs, should’s and shouldn’t’s! How can we trust him?!”_

_“Are you guys seriously going to take his side? Over me? Thomas… I thought I was your hero.”_

_“You… You **are**!”_

_With Janus’ nod, Roman knew._

_Biting back tears, trying to make Thomas see reason. He couldn’t let his Host see him as **weak**. “Wow. I can’t believe this! Did you forget that he’s evil? You’re not! Or, you’re not supposed to be, you’re supposed to be **good**! You **can’t** -”_

_“Roman.”_

_Patton was was staring at him, only the purest intentions visible on his face, now looking at him with what seemed to be fear. A person who he thought he could trust to know the way, someone who had said the opposite of what Janus had been saying their entire lives… now everything’s reversed?! Janus is the hero?! Thomas’ sacrifice was all for naught?!_

_“It’ll be okay kiddo. We love you.”_

_‘And yet the only one of you to acknowledge what I did for Thomas was Janus, and how do I know he wasn’t just trying to manipulate me like always?! You love me, but not in the way I love you. Oh Patton, I doubt you’ll ever love me how I love you.’_

_Before he could lose his temper or worse, start crying, he simply said, “Right.” and sank out._

So now, he was simultaneously crying and losing his temper to make up for it. _Janus isn’t the villain anymore? But he always has been!_ Roman’s head was spinning. _Patton doesn’t have the answers anymore, Janus does. What does this mean for what we’ve done? We missed out on the biggest break of our lives, for what, for NOTHING?! Nothing at all. And Patton and I were wrong, Janus was right. Was he right this whole time? Has everything I’ve done, everything I’ve pushed Thomas to do been wrong? I’ve been leading the hero astray! I’m the worst kind of villain._

Roman sank out and landed in his theatre, the stage brightly lit. He had to squint his eyes against the painful light. He thought to stand, but decided against it.

“So great is my folly,” he began, intoning gravely, “that in my quest to protect and lift up, I have harmed my charge. So bright my self-righteousness, I blinded myself to the more difficult truth.” Roman craned his neck up, staring into the bright stage lights. “The truth…” he trailed off in a whisper, “that I am a monster.”

Roman let his head fall forward, finishing his short soliloquy. After several moments of hanging his head, he heard slow, sarcastic clapping fill the empty theatre. The sound was jarring in the previously perfect silence.

Roman lifted his head and squinted his eyes, trying to see who had come to mock him this time, but he had spots in his vision from the stage lights. Eventually, the figure stepped into view, and Roman’s eye pricked with new tears.

“De- _Janus_ , I-”

“Hush, I need no more of your cruelty today, _Prince_ ,” Janus hissed. When he got closer, Roman noticed his human eye looked red. “I simply came down here to check on you, _out of the goodness of my heart_ , and I see you wallowing in self-pity instead of taking action to correct yourself? And you wonder why you continue to harm people?!” Janus’ voice rose in volume until the man was yelling and Roman had to fight not to cover his ears.

“Janus, I…” Roman trailed off, unsure of what to say. What could he say? He knew he’d acted very un-princely. He knew he shouldn’t have lashed out at Janus, but couldn’t the others see?! He’d been manipulated by the Side ever since he’d started showing up!

Roman hung his head. _Even now, I attempt to justify my actions._ “I’m sorry.”

Janus scoffed. “You can say sorry all you want, _Prince_ , but it doesn’t mean a damn thing when you don’t try to be better! Your sorry’s are _useless_.”

Roman flinched. “I _do_ want to be better!”

It took every bit of his training with the Dragon Witch to not jump backwards when Janus was suddenly right in front of him, inches away. Roman’s skin prickled uncomfortably at the closeness, but he held his ground. _Janus deserves this, to tell me off. I’ve been a cad._

Janus snarled. “You’re no better than any villain you’ve ever fought, although,” he sneered, “are they even the villain?” He sighed deeply. “There are two types of people in the world Roman. Which one are you, and which one do you want to be?”

Roman sagged, and after a moment, Janus turned from him. Roman saw his shoulders begin to shake.

Janus’ voice came out thickly. “I give you my name, and you take that from me and hurt me with it. No wonder you aren’t Thomas’ hero anymore. You’re not a hero to anyone.”

Roman was lost for words, gaping like a fish. _He won’t accept my apology. He shouldn’t anyway, it doesn’t prove anything. I’ve hurt him._ He felt hope spark in his chest. “Janus? Is there… anything I can do to make up for it, or begin to make up for it?”

Janus paused at that. “Just… try to be better. Please?” His voice was thin.

Roman felt terrible. “Of course!! I vow it!!”

Janus huffed. “Yeah. We’ll see,” before he sank out.

Roman let out a breath in a rush and collapsed to the stage. His crying began anew, feeling worse than ever before.

/////

Roman hadn’t shown up to dinner. Patton had knocked on his door and asked him if he wanted to talk or come down to eat with everyone, but Roman had declined both offers. With Patton’s bright reply of, “Okay kiddo, just let me know!”, Roman knew Patton was relieved he wouldn’t have to fake loving Roman.

_At least not this time, right? How many times has he had to fake caring about you? How many times have you forced him or one of the others into doing something and spending all their time and energy on something they hated simply because they didn’t want to incur your wrath? **Villain.**_

Roman bit his knuckle and squeezed his eyes shut, trying to keep the voice out and keep from crying. The voice had been there for as long as he could remember, but it had been getting louder and louder over the past few years, especially as Roman was shown over and over again how right the voice was.

_You don’t help Thomas. You don’t help the other Sides. You hurt Thomas. You hurt the other Sides._

_I know! I know okay? I know. I wish Thomas and the Sides could have a better Creativity and Romance._

_Well why don’t you do something about it?_

Roman startled out of his thoughts and jumped to his feet. _No no no no no, I can’t, I don’t **want** to… I can be better! I don’t have to die! I can be better! I **have** to be better! For Thomas! For everyone!_

He made himself straighten his shoulders and puff out his chest as he entered his realm, determined to get his honor back.

_I shall prove to be the hero! I shan’t be a villain!_

Roman fought valiantly, the evening fading into night as he rescued village after village. He was bruised and bleeding and exhausted, but it was all worth it when yet another one of his villagers would thank him for saving them.

When he’d be called a _hero_.

Roman had slain a group of ghouls haunting a cemetery when the villagers ran up to him. Roman smiled widely, in terrible pain and completely depleted of strength, but heartened to see little Rosie safe and sound. He’d forever deny he had favorite creations, but he knew that Rosie held a soft spot in his heart.

The little girl wrapped herself around Roman’s leg and smiled up at him, several baby teeth missing.

_They **have** to love you and be grateful to you, you **control** them._

As soon as the voice spoke, Rosie and the other villagers’ expressions soured as they stepped back.

“Prince Roman?”

Roman’s heart tore in two at the betrayed look on Rosie’s face.

“Why do you keep making us have monsters? They’re scary, I don’t like monsters. Do you control the monsters?”

Roman’s throat was closing up. _She’s right, the voice is right. I am a monster. I am the true monster._ “I… _I’m so sorry!!!_ ”

He fell to his knees and bawled before his creations, those helpless to his whim. _I have harmed them in so many ways. I have forced them to pretend to care for me. I have made them nothing but miserable. I control the monsters._ Roman laughed humorlessly. _And who controls the monsters? Not the hero, that’s for certain._

Roman wasn’t sure when it happened, but he found himself in his room, covered in his own blood and that of monsters.

_Is there even a difference?_

Roman wept for his creations, for Thomas, for the Sides.

_I have caused nothing but harm, even in my own realm. I am truly a wicked king._

Roman jumped when three precise knocks sounded at his door. He quickly threw on a glamour spell that made him look as impeccable as always. He found he’d been using that particular spell more often than not nowadays.

 _The one thing I can do right is make sure Thomas still feels good about himself._ He slapped on a sideways, cocky grin and answered the door, falling into character even as the spell wore on him.

Logan’s steely glare was boring into him.

_He hates you he **hates** you and he has every right to. Don’t let him know how **weak** you are too. Don’t **force** him to take care of you just like you do with literally everyone else._

“Roman,” Logan began sternly. “Why are you giving Thomas nightmares?”

It wasn’t a question.

Roman turned his head and looked off into middle distance, raising a hand dramatically. “Why, I was simply battling monsters! I’m his _hero_ after all!” His voice sounded weak even to his own ears. “I didn’t-”

_“Roman.”_

Roman’s head whipped over. He lost his composure for just a moment, but long enough for Logan to notice and smirk.

“It takes so little to injure you. The Ego truly is fragile. Instead of causing Thomas to lose sleep, thereby damaging his health and causing him to fail at his needed tasks - yes, even _your_ tasks - perhaps try to be somewhat useful and provide him with a steady sleep, hm?”

Roman knew his facade was cracking. “It’s not like I _intend_ to harm Thomas!”

“And yet you do. You asked if you were still Thomas’ hero today? After reviewing all of the facts, I would agree with Thomas. Perhaps I would only add that you were never his hero, not truly.”

Roman’s arm slowly fell as he stared at the Side before him in shock, a wave of agony working its way up his chest and into his throat.

Logan stroked his chin thoughtfully, slowly looking Roman up and down, seemingly unconcerned with Roman’s distress. “Yes, in my logical opinion, you would seem more a villain than a hero to Thomas and to all of us. Perhaps that’s why Remus split. I do feel bad for your brother; he had to be a part of you for so long and then had to see his tormentor labeled as the hero. Hm, interesting.”

With that, Logan turned and started walking back to his room. “Do try to get some rest tonight Roman, I wouldn’t want you to fall ill.”

The _and be even more of a burden than usual_ was left unsaid.

Roman waved sloppily to close his door, wincing when it slammed. In the hallway, Janus’ disguise fell away from him.

_Can’t even close a door right, throwing a tantrum like the spoiled little brat you are and interrupting everybody’s sleep._

He snapped his room soundproof as he circled his arms around himself in a makeshift hug. He wouldn’t bother one of the other Sides for hugs, and he didn’t want to obligate them by asking them.

_Forcing them to **touch** you, you creepy pervert._

_No!! Never!! I’m not interested in them like that!_

_You’re in love with them._

_No!! I simply know that I’ll love them more than they’ll ever love me, it’s fine!_

_You’re not wrong._

Roman shivered, not wanting to cry anymore but still distraught by what Logan had said.

_The nerd was fully honest at least._

_What he said sounded familiar no?_

_I’m really a horrible Side._

Roman picked himself off the ground where he’d fallen and went to bed, only falling asleep in the wee small hours of the morning.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm glad you made it!! If you want to see more of my stuff or request/ submit a prompt, [here's my Tumblr](https://lilfellasblog.tumblr.com/), and https://lilfellasblog.tumblr.com/post/187478402895/masterlist-of-fics[and here's my fic masterlist on Tumblr](https://lilfellasblog.tumblr.com/post/187478402895/masterlist-of-fics). What's nice about my Tumblr masterlist is it contains both the AO3 links and the Tumblr links right there, depending on how you want to read the fic! This fic and [Healing Broken Wings](https://archiveofourown.org/works/18458153/chapters/43730279) are not on Tumblr as of right now.


	2. Chapter 2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> LOTS of negative self-talk in this one throughout, and it gets pretty intense at points. We're also seeing more of Roman's anorexia athletica and anorexia nervosa in this chapter, so please be careful if that's a trigger for you. There's a lot of emotional manipulation going on in this chapter too.

Roman jumped when his alarm started blaring in the morning. He’d set a soundproofing spell on his room so no one else would be woken up by his loud alarm. He squinted at the brightness of his room, his other spells working as intended, and shut his alarm off, ears ringing. He sat for a moment on the edge of his bed to catch his breath.

_Worthless, lazy piece of shit, sitting here and wasting TIME and DAYLIGHT because you’re too LAZY to motivate yourself to get out of bed?! No wonder everyone hates you, you can’t do anything right, you can’t even **wake up** right._

Roman pushed himself off the edge of the mattress in an attempt to outrun the vitriol his brain was spewing at him. It didn’t work.

He quickly went into his realm to do 20 minutes of high-intensity interval training, followed by 20 minutes of strength training and 40 minutes of cardio, drinking large amounts of cold water to kick start his metabolism for the day. Afterwards, he went into his bathroom, stripped off his clothes, and threw them in his laundry hamper, grimacing at his body.

_Can’t even **look** like a prince, what good are you as Thomas’ body positivity if you can’t manage your own body? Fat piece of shit. Stop shoveling so much garbage into your gaping maw and get the self-discipline to work out._

Roman allowed himself to cry in the shower like he did every morning, but knew to make himself stop crying and push the emotions away by the end of his shower. He had a vigorous routine he needed to follow for every part of his body, even though he knew it was inadequate. He scrubbed himself almost raw, put on special facial cleansers, and used conditioner in his hair. Once he had rinsed off, he dried himself harshly and used a bristle brush to further exfoliate his skin. He quickly followed that with specialty moisturizers for his hands, cuticles, feet, body, and joints, and carefully applied a thin layer of moisturizer to his face. His facial routine was 12 steps and his hair routine to make it look effortlessly flawless took 20 minutes. By the time he put on his freshly-pressed uniform to go downstairs, he’d been awake for 3 hours.

He descended the stairs, hearing the voices of most everyone right away.

_Make a grand entrance, compliment Patton’s cooking, compliment Virgil’s appearance, don’t eat too much, be entertaining, compliment Logan, compliment D- Janus, encourage Remus, he’s been having a hard time lately. Don’t forget to compliment Patton! And Logan, Logan, Logan… His projects! Offer to help him! Oh! And bring him coffee mid-afternoon since he had to wake up to deal with you! Compliment Virgil’s makeup if he’s wearing any, if not compliment his aesthetic. Compliment Janus’ outfit! Offer to go on an adventure with Remus so you can try to be useful for once!_

_“GOOD MORNING, FELLOW CITIZENS!!!”_

Virgil jumped and hissed at Roman. Logan raised an impassive eyebrow while Patton just quietly smiled at him before going back to cooking.

“Virgil, you are looking as angsty and gloomy as ever!” Roman internally flinched when Virgil just put his head back in his arms and flipped him off.

_Not good enough, not good enough, NOT GOOD ENOUGH!!!_

“It smells wonderful in here Patton! What are you making this fine morning?”

Patton smiled curtly at Roman. “Just some scrambled eggs and bacon with toast.”

Roman’s insides were curdling in horror. _They hate you, they still hate you, they see how horrible you are, they’re going to make you leave, they’re never going to love you, they’re never going to like you again._

He saw how Janus had been sitting stiffly at the table. _Make him feel better, you **have** to make him feel better!!_

He cleared his throat to make sure his voice came out smooth. “Janus! A fine name to say on this fine morning! I do quite admire your capelet! Do tell me, how did you make it? I’ve been considering making myself something similar.”

Janus turned wide eyes to Roman. “D-do I have to?” he asked shakily. Everyone turned to look at the pair.

Roman took a step back and raised his hands in surrender. “No, not if you don’t want to of course!! I just thought…” _oh no, oh no, I didn’t plan for this, I didn’t prepare for this, oh no oh no I’m messing up, I’m messing up, I’m ruining everything, **I’m ruining everything!!**_

Janus hung his head. “I guess if I have to… It’s just, something that’s _mine_ , but if you want it…”

Roman reeled back. “No, I don’t want it if it’s yours!”

Janus gasped quietly, hurt shining in his eyes. “Wh-what’s wrong with my things?” Before Roman could respond, he hung his head. “Oh. My name.” His lower jaw wobbled. “I understand.”

“Janus, no, I’m _sorry_ , I was-”

Patton interjected. “Roman, kiddo? Why don’t you sit down?”

Roman hung his head and sat in his chair in defeat. _Logan, Logan, compliment Logan, **apologize** , you haven’t **stopped hurting them yet, your presence hurts them.**_

Roman swallowed thickly a few times. “Logan, I’ve noticed how well you’ve been balancing Thomas’ budget, stellar work truly!”

Logan blinked at him a few times, bewildered. “I… thank you, Roman.”

_He doesn’t believe you, he thinks you’re lying just to lighten the mood, **fix it fix it fix it fix it fix it-**_

“No, really! Thomas has managed to stay on budget really well! Do let me know if there’s anything I can do to assist on your quests!”

Logan laughed dryly. “Yes Roman, if there’s something you can help me with, I’ll be sure to let you know.”

Roman pretended not to notice the jab and simply grinned widely.

He silenced himself when Patton walked around the table with plates of food, not missing how Janus hadn’t looked up yet.

“Ah, Janus! What do-”

“It’s fine!” Janus exclaimed before he fled the table. Roman stared after him in shock and dread. He hung his head, guilt eating him alive and threatening to make him cry in front of the others. He could barely stand to look at their faces for a second before he had to look away in shame.

“I apologize, truly.”

“We’re not the ones you should be apologizing to.”

Roman flinched. “I know, I swear I’m trying to!”

“Well try a little harder.”

“Virgil! I’m sure Roman is doing the best he can.”

_Your best isn’t good enough. It never was and it never will be._

“No padre, he’s right. As are you. I must go rectify this!”

Patton nodded. “I’m proud of you honey.”

When Roman looked to him, Patton was smiling softly, causing the prince to beam.

“Of course you are, what isn’t there to be proud of? Farewell my grateful citizens!” 

When Roman sank out to Janus’ door, he was surprised to find a note attached to it.

_“Let’s meet in your theatre, shall we?”_

Roman was puzzled, but couldn’t find a reason _not_ to meet there. He shrugged, confused, and sank out to his theater. He looked around, trying to find Janus out in the audience, but didn’t see anyone.

“Miss me?” Janus breathed against Roman’s ear. Roman jumped up and away, twirling in mid-air and landing so he was facing Janus. Janus was looking at him with a hurt expression.

“Come now Roman, do you really still see _me_ as the villain?” he asked, delicately raising a hand to his chest.

“No, I don’t! I was just… surprised! That’s all!” _Don’t let him know what a failure of a knight you are._

Janus didn’t look convinced. “I’m afraid you’re on the wrong side, Roman. Don’t you see it?” he breathed out an exasperated laugh as he raised both arms to gesture wildly around himself. “Literally everyone but _you_ can see it, you really don’t?! Haven’t you seen how they treat you? How they’ve _been_ treating you since the beginning?” Janus stared at Roman’s stunned face for a moment before dropping his arms.

“You see, this? This is why other people find you exasperating.”

Roman let out a wounded sound before he could stop it and stared at the wooden stage blankly, going over all of the interactions he could possibly remember with Thomas and the other Sides.

_How much emotional labor have I forced upon those I love to pretend to love someone they **hate** just to avoid more work?_

“Roman.”

He whipped his head up at the soft request. Janus was looking at him, eyes wide and sympathetic.

Janus sighed heavily, thinning his lips. “As painful as this is for me, I can see it’s taking a toll on you. You don’t want to be the villain, do you?”

“No!! Of _course_ not!!”

Janus offered a small smile. “You love them, don’t you?”

“I do, I swear I do!! I’d do _anything_ for them!!” Roman lost all concern for pride as he began openly crying. “I _n-never_ want to hurt them! I w-want to be their _h-hero_!!”

“They don’t love you right now, but perhaps…” Janus looked down and tapped his fingers thoughtfully against his chin. “Perhaps, maybe, we can show them that you _are_ worthy of love. That is…”

Roman’s head was spinning, he couldn’t hold onto a single thought. “Am… am I not worthy of love?”

Janus looked up, face surprised at Roman. “Oh, heh, I mean, of _course_ you are Roman!” he said as he flashed a grin of all teeth.

Roman looked to the side and unconsciously grabbed the uniform that was in front of his breaking heart. After a few moments, Janus grew irritated. He walked up to Roman and snapped his fingers in the lost prince’s face, his body inches from Roman’s.

Roman jumped, shocked out of his daze. Janus huffed.

“I’m giving you the _gift_ of my time and emotional energy to be here and _help_ you after you’ve _hurt_ me. The least you can do is pay attention! Learn to control yourself!”

Roman sucked in a shuddering breath, tears still streaming down his face. “You’re right, I’m sorry Janus.”

“Stop apologizing. I grow weary of your empty apologies.” Janus said sharply.

Roman felt the shards of ice from Janus’ words embed into his abdomen, feeding the voice. “I… okay.”

“Okay,” Janus repeated flatly.

“I… what should I say?”

Janus rolled his eyes. “Really, if you don’t know, I can’t help you.” He paused. “Or maybe… I _do_ know what’s wrong, but...”

Roman held his breath. Janus side-eyed him. “You really, _really_ don’t want to be the villain anymore?”

_“I don’t!!!”_

Janus looked him up and down. “I don’t know…”

Roman fell to his knees and sagged, weeping at the feet of Janus. “ _Please!! Please, I beg of you!! Let me be a hero!! Let me be good! I want to be good!!_ ”

Janus looked down at him in irritation. “Not everything is about you, Roman. I’m trying to decide for myself if you’ll be worth it.”

Roman looked up at him, eyes wide and pleading. “ _Please. I’ll do anything. I swear I can make it worth your time!_ ”

Janus stared into Roman’s eyes while the prince was sobbing for a full minute before turning on his heel and walking away.

“I’ll think about it,” he said impassively to the empty space in front of him. Roman stayed where he was, cries quieter now that Janus had left, wood digging into his knees. He sank out to his room, only to realize he hadn’t eaten breakfast.

_Maybe you’ll finally have a shot at losing some weight now you fat fuck._

Roman steeled himself for forcing himself to go without food until lunch.

_Or you could learn to control yourself like Janus said and fast for today._

Roman went to his desk and forced himself to focus through the hunger, declining an invitation to lunch. In the middle of the evening, he brought Logan a large mug of Earl grey tea, remembering Logan preferred tea in the afternoon. He kicked himself for hours afterward when he realized he forgot to add the soy creamer and honey Logan enjoyed with his tea. However, when he heard Patton’s invitation sound just a little sadder, Roman agreed to go downstairs.

_I hurt him again, I hurt him **again** , I said I’d stop doing it and I did it **again**. I’m a liar and a scoundrel. I don’t deserve them. Wait, I can apologize to Logan for messing up his tea!_

Roman entered the kitchen again with a broad smile on his face. “Hello fellow figments! As always, Patton, it smells simply _wonderful_ in here!!”

Patton smiled sadly at Roman. “Thanks kiddo. We’re having chicken spaghetti tonight!”

Roman was about to say he’d just had a massive celebratory feast for slaying the Dragon Witch when his stomach rumbled loudly at his favorite meal. Virgil bit back laughter.

“Hungry?”

“For Patton’s cooking? Always!! Oh, and Logan?”

Logan looked up expectantly.

“I do apologize for erring on your tea this afternoon.”

Logan blinked in surprise. “I didn’t notice any problems with my tea.”

 _He’s so used to me ruining everything he doesn’t even notice anymore._ “I forgot your soy creamer and honey.”

“Oh. It’s quite alright Roman, the tea was very enjoyable anyways.” He sent a smile Roman’s way.

“Of course it was! I made it after all!” _Be confident, it’s the least you can do for Thomas, stop making Logan pretend to be happy for your sake!_

Just then, Janus walked in and froze when he saw Roman. Roman stared back at him in confusion, becoming even more confused when Janus suddenly flinched and ducked his head and shoulders.

“I’m sorry I didn’t say yes Roman!”

It took Roman a second, but he jerked his head back. “Oh! That’s quite alright, I’d much rather you made a decision when you felt ready to do so.”

Janus pulled a face at that. “Well there’s no need to be sarcastic about it.”

“Wh- no! I meant-”

“I know what you meant, _Prince Roman_.”

“Guys? Please don’t fight?”

Roman twisted his neck to look at Patton. Patton looked equal parts sad and disappointed in Roman.

He sighed. _I can’t do anything right. I’ve messed everything up just by being here._

“I’m sorry padre.” He turned to Janus. “I’m-” _oh no, he doesn’t like apologies from me, what do I say, what do I say, what do I do?_

After a few long seconds of silent floundering from Roman, Janus sighed and waved him off. “It’s _fine_ , don’t worry about it, I just want to eat.” He leveled a glare at Roman. “If that’s okay with _Your Royal Highness_.”

Roman felt the slap in his face. “N-no need to call me that, and I agree, let’s dig in!”

Roman took a few forkfuls of creamy chicken spaghetti, but it tasted like ash. He _knew_ it was creamy and delicious, but it felt tacky and oily in his mouth.

_Ugly fat attention whore, gotta eat all of the fat, all of the calories. You’ll never be satisfied._

The voice kept taunting him, reminding him how many calories he was consuming and how much he’d have to work out in order to work it off. He could _feel_ the oil seeping into his stomach and sides and arms, and he swore he could feel grease on his skin building up.

Janus let his silverware fall to the table with a loud sigh. “I apologize Roman, I know you can’t help but be… yourself.” He offered a small smile.

Roman smiled back, holding it even when Janus’ eyes hardened just slightly. “I… apologize too.”

The smile fell off of Janus’ face. “That was uncalled for,” he hissed. “You and I both know what _that_ means.”

Roman felt the floor drop out from underneath him. “Wait, Janus, I- shit!”

Janus just shook his head and slammed his fork on the plate before gingerly dabbing at his mouth.

“If you’ll excuse me,” he said shakily. “I believe I’m going to retire for the night.”

Janus fled the kitchen, leaving shocked silence in his wake. It was only broken by Patton’s sigh.

“Roman-”

“I’m sorry!” Roman choked out, feeling sick for more reasons than one. “I’m trying to apologize.”

Patton looked at him over his glasses. “I know you are honey, but you’re going to have to try harder. Do you know what Janus was talking about when he said that your apology meant something else?”

Roman hung his head, ashamed. “I do,” he whispered, choked.

“I know you’re trying, but it needs to be a _real_ apology, not one that has hidden meanings.”

“I want to be better. I want to be good.”

Patton sighed. “I know this is hard for you, and I can tell you’re trying. The best apology is changed behavior. Do you think you can try that?” He smiled sadly. “I’m tired of having fights at the table,” he joked.

Roman nodded miserably. _He doesn’t want you here, you only cause arguments._ “I know padre, I’m sorry. I’ll change, I swear it.” _I **have** to. I **have** to be better. I have to be **good.**_

“I’m sure you will sweetie. You know we love you, right?” Patton asked with a quiver at the end.

Roman knew exactly what the quiver meant. _Oh Patton, you were always a terrible liar. You shouldn’t have to humor me just to avoid my tantrums._

“Yeah padre, I know.” Roman stood in defeat, hating both the portion he’d eaten and the portion he’d left behind. “I should go check on Janus, see if I can do anything.”

Patton nodded, sad but proud. “I think that’s a great idea honey.”

Roman sank out, unable to meet the eyes of his fellow Light Sides. He popped up in his theater, intending to gather his thoughts, when Janus cleared his throat. Roman jumped, heart racing and weary, and managed to find Janus in the audience with an unimpressed look on his face.

“Would you like to start with a proper apology or would you rather first explain _what the hell happened at dinner?!_ ”

Roman curled his shoulders in, not bothering to put up a facade for someone who already knew how pathetic he truly was. “I was trying to apologize and I panicked and forgot. I really am trying!”

Janus let a long breath out through his nose. “I can at least tell you’re being sincere. I want to help you Roman, even if you’re too far gone. There’s something about you that draws people in before they get to know the real you and inevitably get pushed away. And I think I know what’s wrong with you. Some of the things anyway.”

Roman felt hope in his chest. _He knows what he’s talking about, he’s right! He’s saying it, **finally** someone has the nerve to say it out loud!!_

“Can you help me?”

Janus looked at him thoughtfully, eyes going up and down his body. “I’m not sure yet. Roman, has _anyone_ ever felt comfortable enough with you to let you tell them what your thoughts are? Your problems, your insecurities, your inadequacies?”

Roman felt tears of pain and catharsis slip down his face. “No, nobody,” he whispered hoarsely.

Janus thinned his lips in sympathy. “I thought as much. In order for me to even know if I can help you, I’ll need as much information as possible, does that make sense?”

Roman nodded quickly, and Janus smiled.

“Wonderful. Why don’t you start from the beginning? Tell me _everything_ ,” Janus said as he rested his chin on two closed fists.

Roman swallowed and looked up at the lights. Janus grinned at the vulnerability in the prince’s eyes. Roman began from the beginning, detailing the pattern of being unloved, ignored, ridiculed when they didn’t think he’d understood, every time he’d misled someone and been misled, his confusion over his role, his many insecurities, every time he’s failed, every facade he employed, his uncertainty about being a hero, and more. All the while, Janus listened with open ears.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Things are _not_ looking up for Princey. Isolating victims is often one of the first steps in grooming.


	3. Chapter 3

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Why hello again! So glad to see you!! :D
> 
> Tw's are throughout this chapter and include: anorexia nervosa and anorexia athletica, internalized fatphobia, negative self-talk, emotional manipulation, verbal abuse, guilt-tripping, physical injury and exhaustion, suicidal thoughts, and physical abuse. Take care of yourselves!!

When Roman finished, it was an hour later. His face was a mess of sweat and tears and his mouth was dry. His feet hurt from standing in one spot for so long, but he didn’t feel like he should move for some reason. The stage lights were hot and bright, his head hurt, he wanted to take a cool shower and lay down in his room, but he wanted to see what Janus said.

_If he can help me, I won’t keep hurting my family. I’ll be good. I can be good if Janus can help me! He knows what’s wrong._

Janus stared at Roman unwaveringly, poker face in full effect. Roman studied his face desperately, looking for _any_ hint about his fate, about what Janus thought of him, about if he could be _salvaged_.

After a long, silent minute, Janus huffed out a laugh and leaned back.

“Well, I can certainly see why you’ve been performing so poorly and haven’t been able to self-correct.” Janus chuckled quietly to himself. “Although you have made some accurate assessments of yourself, so bravo Roman! You do have some self-assessment skills!”

Roman let out a long breath and smiled uncontrollably. _I did something right! I can do something right! I did that right!_ “Oh thank god! Which self-assessments were right?”

Janus waved him off. “The times you’ve failed to execute an idea or understand what others are saying, your personal failings, etcetera etcetera, you know what you did right.” Janus sent an encouraging smile to Roman, who tentatively smiled back

_I’ve done something right for once! For the first time in… how long has it been since I’ve done anything right? But Janus can help me! He’s already seen what I did right, and he helped me do something right!_

Roman relaxed. “Janus, you… you’ve already helped me! I’m indebted to you! Do you think you can help me be good?”

Janus’ face fell as he looked at the floor. “I don’t know Roman, I really don’t. There’s a lot to work on, as you well know. I really don’t know if there’s any saving you.” He met Roman’s eyes and smiled, then appeared in front of him. “But with your honesty and willingness to tell me _everything_ , I think I’m willing to try.”

Roman felt the rod of tension leave him. His entire body collapsed at the feet of Janus and sobbed. “Thank you, thank you, thank you…” he whispered on repeat through his cries. Janus looked down at him and smiled to himself.

“You’re very welcome, Roman.”

/////

Once Roman had composed himself enough to look back up at Janus and read the look of contained disgust on his face, he apologized profusely. Janus just told him to get cleaned up and that he’d contact Roman when it was time for their first session. Roman quickly agreed and sank out, grimacing at his appearance in his bathroom mirror.

_No wonder Janus was disgusted, the poor soul._

Roman cleaned himself up a bit, not doing his nightly routine quite yet, there was still far too much work to be done. First, he went into his realm, a piece of his heart splintering off as he remembered the betrayal on his beloved creations’ faces.

_Don’t worry Rosie, I’m getting help. I’ll be good. I can be a good king!_

He began by working feverishly by battling some leftover monsters he could find in order to provide inspiration to Thomas. He had some bad burns and deep bruises, but when Thomas felt joy at what he’d accomplished that evening, Roman knew it had been worth it.

Once Thomas was asleep and Roman focused everything he had on providing good dreams, he then moved on to an intense, high-intensity workout beginning with an hour of total-body strength training and 3 hours of cardio. The chicken spaghetti weighed heavy on his stomach despite its incessant growling, and he couldn’t stop obsessing over how he needed to work the fat off. He’d failed at controlling himself, he was _weak_ , he was _greedy_ , and Janus said he’d been right about that at least. He hated himself when his legs gave out several times during his cardio from exhaustion.

Finally, his workout was over, and despite feeling like he still hadn’t done enough for his people or for his body, he knew he had to get rest in order to function tomorrow. He began his nightly beautifying routine - he knew better than to call it a beauty routine - and quickly jumped in the shower. He put the water as cold as it would go to direct blood flow into his muscles, even when the sharp change in temperature nearly made him black out. He scrubbed away all the oil using many different astringent soaps, chemicals, and exfoliants, and then roughly dried himself off. He quickly added his many moisturizers and put on a nighttime face mask.

Under the covers of his bed, he went through the entire day, picking it apart. He cringed at every time he was awkward or didn’t respond in the best possible way, every tree that was lost to a monster he’d failed to quell in time because some people have favorite trees and he let them get destroyed because he was selfish, how sad he’d made Patton, how much work he’d made Janus do. His mind settled on the half portion of chicken spaghetti he’d eaten. He knew he’d have to have at least two more very intense workouts to burn off the fat, but it would be worth it. He forced himself to focus on the hope of Janus saying they could start working together soon so he could fall asleep.

/////

Roman’s alarm jump-started his heart again for the day, and he went about his typical routine of working out, doing his morning beautifying routine, pressing his uniform, and going downstairs. He repeated in his head how to lift up his loved ones in the morning and simultaneously went over his and Thomas’ schedules. Roman entered the kitchen with his typical flair, startling Virgil. He felt his own anxiety settle in the pit of his stomach when he saw Janus already at the table, but was thrilled when Remus’ green and black ensemble met his eyes.

He saw Patton watching him and Janus out of the corner of his eyes.

_Janus first, Janus first, talk to Janus first!_

“How fares thee, dear Deceit?”

The heavy ball of anxiety vanished when Janus smiled warmly at him. “I’m doing much better this morning Roman, thank you. I think we had a wonderful conversation last night.”

Roman grinned. “I believe we did as well!”

“Awwwwwwww kiddos!!” Patton squealed. “I’m proud of you for patching things up!!”

“It certainly wasn’t easy, quite a bit of work,” Janus said as his gaze bored into Roman’s, “But I got us to a good next step.”

Roman felt familiar feelings of guilt start getting louder. “Indeed!”

“Did you two fuck it out?!”

Roman saw Patton wince and hide it. “No brother, he’s still single! And it’s wonderful to see you attend a family meal!” Despite Patton’s best efforts, Remus often forewent attending meals, insisting he had more than enough deodorant to hold him over.

“I burned a _ton_ of shit!” Remus exclaimed excitedly.

Roman didn’t want to know if he meant literally or figuratively.

Roman got in his compliments and offers of assistance when he could, but his brother had quite a bit to say and Roman didn’t want to be ruder than usual. He scarfed down protein and complex carbohydrates, avoiding fat as much as he could. Patton had made a delicious sweet potato and ham hash with scrambled eggs and sliced fruit. The mood was noticeably lighter now that Roman had done right by Janus; everyone was happy and much more talkative. Roman reveled in it.

_This is how things **should** be, this is when things are right. This is what happens when I’m good. Janus has already been so helpful not just for me, but he’s making everyone else happier too! He helps cancel out my bad!_

After breakfast, most everyone left right away, but Roman noticed the many dishes there were to clean, so he offered to help Patton clean up. Once he finished putting the leftovers away as efficiently as he could, adding his own little flair for something fun for the others to discover later, he helped Patton wash the dishes. Just as that was completed and Patton wiped down all the surfaces, Patton turned to Roman and sighed happily.

“I’m proud of you for making up with Janus kiddo.”

Roman’s eyes watered at the unexpected compliment. “Why thank you! He and I shall continue working together to make me better!” He hated how thick his voice came out.

Patton set his towel aside. “Keep it up sweetie, you’re doing great. Would you like a hug?”

Roman tried to hold himself back, he really did! But he barely lasted longer than a second before collapsing into Patton and silently crying into his shoulder.

“Oh sweetie, it’s okay, there you go honey.” Patton held Roman tightly and swayed them both back and forth, rubbing his back.

Roman was trying and failing to stop his tears, but they kept coming. His self-loathing, the fact that his loved ones hated him and found him exhausting, that he couldn’t do anything right for so long he’d forgotten the last thing he’d done right. And now, the relief that Patton was _proud_ of him for doing better, that he was doing _better_.

After what seemed like agonizing hours to Roman but was only 10 minutes, he pulled back, shamefaced. Patton rubbed Roman’s upper arms, a line of concern between his eyebrows.

“There you go, I think you needed that. You okay Roman?”

Roman put on a brave face for Patton. _I made him touch me, I made him comfort me, I’ve thrown off his entire schedule, I made him spend energy on me._ “I’m doing better padre! Thank you for your help! I simply must embody all of the dramatics of theatre!” Roman struck his pose and held it.

Patton giggled. “You sure do that well!”

The statement sent a strange feeling of unhappiness through him.

“If you need anything, let me know, okay?”

_You’re so much work, the others are constantly dreading when they’ll see you or hear from you again because they know they’ll be miserable when they do._

“Thank you! I must be on my way, and I mustn’t hold you up any longer! Farewell, favorite father figure!”

Roman quickly sank out to his room, already feeling hungry. He quickly went to work, battling creatures from his previous daydreams, working diligently on projects for Thomas, getting in quick workouts where he could. He decided to show up for lunch in order to make the others happy and to keep his metabolism up. Lunch was a happy affair, much like breakfast, everyone relieved at the now-relaxed atmosphere.

When Roman returned to his room, he was surprised to see Janus there. The room had a heavy feeling to it.

“Janus! How may I help you?” Roman asked, wondering how he’d messed up this time.

Janus stared him down. “You called me Deceit, you were loud, and you made Patton comfort you.”

Roman’s face sank right along with his heart. “I-”

“I’m not finished,” Janus hissed. “Do you even _realize_ how abrasive you are? You heard what Patton said. Start caring more about people than the obvious things you can tick off on a checklist in order to make yourself feel better.” Janus deflated, softening. “I’m sorry Roman, I just care about them and I don’t like seeing them hurt. You don’t want to hurt them, do you?”

Roman was aghast. “ _NO!! NEVER!!!_ ”

Janus smiled. “Your one redeeming quality is that you do at least seem to care about others, especially your loved ones. Let’s see if that extends into doing things that are _actually_ hard, yes?”

“Of course!!”

“Excellent. Let’s get started, shall we?”

“Thank you so much, Janus.”

“You’re welcome. Let’s start from the beginning. Your entrance is… very _you_ , and that’s the problem.”

 _That one stung. I do wish he wouldn’t say things so bluntly._ “I can change that! I’m simply trying to energize everyone in the morning!”

“You do realize that intent is not equal to impact, right? You’ve allegedly been trying to be good for your loved ones, and yet you’ve been nothing but a pain. Tell me, how do _you_ think your efforts have been so far?” Janus asked, head tilted and eyes wide.

Roman sagged. “Horribly.” His voice cracked and his eyes began watering. He winced when he jostled a bruised rib.

Janus walked up to him and clapped his shoulder. Roman couldn’t help the gasp of pain he let out and jerked away from the painful touch.

“Relax, I’m not going to hurt you.”

Roman held his tongue. _He doesn’t mean to, I can’t let him know I’m weak._

“And I know Roman. I agree with you. Would “utter failure” perhaps be more accurate?”

Roman let out a sob. “Yes.”

“And that’s why I’m here. You just might not be a lost cause, and I don’t want to see them get hurt anymore. And,” he took a deep breath. “I do care about you, Roman.”

Roman’s eyes shot up, tears breaking free. “R-really?” he whispered.

Janus smiled softly. “Really. Back to the task at hand, how do you think you can make a less abrasive entrance?” he asked gently.

Roman felt light. “I could be less loud?”

Janus squeezed his hand on Roman’s shoulder. “Try saying it with a bit of conviction, like you’re actually going to put in an effort.”

“I WILL BE LESS LOUD!” Roman shouted triumphantly.

Janus flinched and removed his hand. “Perhaps starting now?” he teased.

Roman smiled sheepishly. “Yes, I apologize.” _You dimwit, you’re messing up ALREADY and you’re miserable to be around, no wonder everyone hates you, **everyone hates you.**_

“Stop apologizing and take this seriously. This is _my time_.” 

Roman straightened up. _You’re fucking up you’re fucking up, you’re worthless, you’re a burden, you’re so difficult to deal with_. “Of course, I will take this very seriously.”

“Good. What else do you think you can do?”

Roman wanted to look around and shift to help himself think, but he wanted Janus to know he was taking things seriously. “Um, I’m not sure.”

Janus sighed loudly and rolled his eyes up to the ceiling. “Ughhhhhh, okay, you were right that you’re a little slow. What things do you think are wrong about how you talk?”

Roman whimpered. _I’m messing it up, Janus will leave me, I’m ruining everything!_ “Everything.”

“Oh my _god_ , _obviously,_ but you need to be specific if you want to be helpful. Stop wallowing in your self-pity and actually be productive, or I’m not wasting any more of my time on you.”

“No, _please!!_ ” Roman cried as he knelt in front of Janus. Janus grimaced and stepped backwards.

“Then prove it!!”

“Okay! I-”

_“ **Never** speak to me in that tone ever again.”_

Roman felt his blood turn to ice. “I wasn’t yelling at you!”

“I think you are right now.”

 _Nothing I’m saying is working_. “You’re right Janus. I will be better.” Roman hung his head and closed his eyes before continuing, still kneeling on the ground. “I am rude, and unintelligent, and unhelpful, and distracting, and my voice is grating no matter the volume, and I remind everyone of horrible times, and-”

Janus clapped loudly. “Yes yes, all of that, I just think that’s enough to work on for now. You want to be effective, don’t you?”

“I do!”

“Alright. Now Roman, these next few hours may be difficult and take an effort, but they shouldn’t be too bad. Just remember your one redeeming quality, even as we look at all the other parts of you. Do you remember your redeeming quality?” Janus asked kindly.

_Oh god, oh god, I hope this is right. I **need** to say something right!!_

“I want to be good and not hurt other people?”

“That’s right! Terrible phrasing, but I’m able to parse through the mess.”

Roman tried not to let his confusion show on his face. _What did I say wrong?_

Janus started laughing lightly. “Did… Do you not know how horrible that was?” He laughed heartily for a few seconds before freezing and staring at Roman in horror. “Oh my god you have no idea.” He swallowed. “Well, at least by being around me, maybe I can make you a bit more coherent and not as painful to listen to.”

Roman tried swallowing his tears back, but despite his best efforts began crying.

“Roman…” Janus began, annoyed.

“I-I’m sorry!!”

Janus sighed heavily and sat down, noticeably shifting.

“Y-you’ d-d-don’t have to s-s-sit down o-on the stage.”

“No, no, I won’t hear it! You need _emotional support_ right now, it’s what I’ll provide. I signed up for it.”

 _You fucking selfish, useless piece of shit, make him stop._ “Y-you don’t have t-to! Y-you c-c-can stop if you w-want!”

“That’s very generous of you, but I’m not about to quit halfway in. I’m taking this more seriously than you are.”

 _Oh my god, you are **literally** just a drain. You’re a horrible friend. You’re a horrible, useless person. Do everyone a favor and kill yourself._ “I’m trying! I’ll be good! I can be good for you!!” Roman felt his heart rip out of his chest. _Please Janus, **please** see that I’m trying, even though I know it’s not good enough._

Janus smiled tightly. “We’ll see about that. Remember, no pain, no gain. Let’s see, where to start…”

Over the next five hours, Roman had his heart ripped out of his chest and stomped on. But he knew what Janus was saying was right. Besides, if it hurt, that meant it was working.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> One thing I have in here is that part of Janus' abilities include the ability to see what someone's hiding, which is how he knows to aim for injuries, even when Roman is wearing clothing.


	4. Chapter 4

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hi folks! Same tw's as last chapter: anorexia nervosa and anorexia athletica, internalized fatphobia, negative self-talk, emotional manipulation, verbal abuse, guilt-tripping, physical injury and exhaustion, and physical abuse. Be careful, and let me know if I missed any tags or if you catch any typos!

Roman rose up in the kitchen on shaking legs. He had to catch himself on the table, Ego bruises forming from his session with Janus and layering on top of the injuries from his adventures. After hours of sorting through his interactions and having to face how horribly he’s been failing his friends, his mind was cloudy. He could barely string a thought together; whenever he tried thinking, nothing happened.

Janus frowned. “Roman, what do you see is missing?”

Roman sucked in a breath, not wanting to start crying again but scared of giving the wrong answer, or worse, no answer at all.

“I…” Roman studied the kitchen, every detail. His eyes were jumping around from spot to spot, unable to focus, and he could scarcely remember what he’d seen 5 seconds ago.

“I don’t see anything out of place. Is something out of place?”

Janus rubbed a hand down his face. “Roman. Really.” He glared at Roman. “Your _friends_ aren’t here. We’ve missed lunch.”

Roman wanted to cry. He wanted to eat, he was so _hungry_ , and he _hated_ himself for it.

_I just want Patton’s cooking again. His secret ingredient is love. I want to feel love._

_Janus cares about you. Nobody loves you. How could they? Especially after they get to know you. You shouldn’t want food, but you just can’t help yourself, can you?_

“Not to worry, I have food in my room. Roman, you should get to work, you’ve been falling behind lately.”

Roman started at that. _I thought I’ve been keeping up. I thought I was doing okay!_

“Okay. What should I focus on first?”

Janus turned and began walking away from him. “I can’t do everything for you. You need to do some things on your own.”

Roman felt properly cowed. He sank out to his room and collapsed on the floor, in pain and physically and emotionally exhausted.

_He’s helping you stay trimmed, he’s even better for you than you thought! Be grateful! Stop being a little bitch and whining about being hungry! **Get up you lazy sack of shit!!**_

Roman groaned as he forced himself onto his hands and knees, then to his feet. He limped over to his bathroom, avoiding looking in the mirror, and popped three ibuprofen. He stumbled back to his desk and got to work, intermittently crying at the realizations that occurred during his session with Janus and the fact that he’s making Thomas fall behind.

 _I have to work harder, I’m not working hard enough, I’m useless, I’m worthless, I’m worthless at the one thing I’m supposed to do well, I’ve never been good, I’m_ -

“Roman, open the door.”

Roman jumped so hard he banged his knees on the underside of the desk. He bit back a scream of pain as the movement jostled a particularly nasty bruise from his damaged ego. After breathing through the pain for a few seconds, he forced himself to his feet as several loud, persistent knocks sounded. He swung open the door and forced his back straight and shoulders back.

“Greetings Janus! How-” 

“Try again,” Janus said with a smile.

Roman felt his shoulder fall a bit. “Ah, how could I forget? Hello Janus. How can I help you?”

Janus’ smile grew. “That’s much better. Patton sent me to collect you for dinner. I don’t know why you didn’t open your door for me.”

Roman frowned and tilted his head. “What? I just-”

“You know what my footsteps sound like, it’s something every knight and certainly every _prince_ knows how to check for. Why did you keep me waiting for so long?” Roman heard the hurt creep into Janus’ voice.

“No Janus, that’s not it at all!-”

“Oh, so I’m just a liar again?” Janus’ voice cracked.

“ _No!!_ I swear, was just so caught up in my work and-”

Janus sniffled. “Th-then why did you take so long to answer the door?”

 _Don’t apologize, he hates that, you’ve already made him upset_. “I banged my knee on my desk.” Roman winced. _Not the whole truth, you can’t tell him, you shouldn’t lie to him._

Janus sniffed the air. “That was a lie.”

Roman dropped his head. “I-I’m injured,” he whispered, ashamed. “When I banged my knee, it jostled those other injuries,” he admitted.

Janus smiled shakily. “Thank you for finally telling me the truth. Have I done something to make you not trust me?” He gasped. “Did I hurt you?!” Janus’ eyes began filling with tears.

“No, no to both! I promise!”

Janus looked unconvinced. “Are you sure? Do you promise?”

 _Didn’t I just say I did?_ “I’m sure, I promise!!”

Janus smiled. “Good, I’m so glad. Are you going to eat? I thought your kingdom was overrun by the monsters you created. Besides,” Janus chuckled. “It looks like you’ve already eaten.”

Roman looked down. _He’s right, I’m fat._ “I think I’ll skip this one, you’re right, I do need to battle monsters. And then after Thomas is finished eating, I can get back to work! Do send Patton my apologies.” He smiled, happy with his plan.

Janus grinned back and clapped his shoulder. “That does sound wonderful. I’ll let Patton know, don’t worry. Keep working hard, you’re doing well so far.”

Roman fought back the wince of pain as Janus turned to go downstairs. Roman closed his door, elated that he was being good.

_I did good! Janus said I was doing good!!_

Roman nearly danced over to his realm. When he got into it, however, his heart sank.

_What in the great name of Disney happened here?!_

His kingdom was in ruins.

He could hear screaming and wailing, monsters roaring, he saw fires blazing and ominous figures in the fog. Roman gripped his sword and ran towards the fray, eyes blazing red.

////

Roman collapsed in his room, coughing spastically. He’d chased off the monsters after vanquishing a few, but he knew they’d be back.

_When did so many monsters exist? I thought I’d been vanquishing them!_

Roman pushed himself painfully to his feet, dismayed to see that he’d been battling for five hours.

_I still have five hours of work to do **at least** , and I have two hours of focused workout to do._

_You got distracted **again** , you useless piece of shit._

Roman unbuttoned his prince uniform, overheated, and sat down at his desk gingerly. After two hours of resting his muscles while working, he pushed himself through a two and a half hour workout, proud of himself for the additional half hour of cardio. Afterwards, he did his nightly beautifying routine and sat himself at his desk.

_I thought I was doing enough, but I haven’t been. I have to keep working until it’s enough._

Roman focused on one project for as long as he could before jumping to the next one. He lost track of time so badly that he was only startled out of his work by his blaring alarms.

_Oh no!! I’m going to be horrible today!! I haven’t slept a wink!!_

Roman quickly turned off his alarms and got into his workout before moving on to his beautifying routine. Despite his best efforts, by the time he slid into breakfast everyone had already started eating.

Patton beamed. “Roman! I’m so glad you’re feeling better!”

“Indeed I am!!” Roman started. He realized his mistake. _I’m so loud, I need to shut up._ “Apologies, it’s quite early.”

“Oh you know we don’t mind Roman!” Patton chirped.

Roman felt something loosen in his chest at that, until Virgil said, “Speak for yourself,” and Logan and Janus huffed out a tired laugh.

“Be nice!” Patton warned.

_Be nice so Roman doesn’t throw a fit._

Roman sat down in his chair, quickly diving into his eggs. “Not to worry padre, I don’t mind a bit of good-natured ribbing!”

“That’s very mature of you Roman,” Patton encouraged as he poured some tea for Roman.

“Eh, no, I’m sorry Roman,” Virgil said meekly as he scratched the back of his neck.

“Not to worry, Tall Dark and Stormy!”

Janus quietly cleared his throat, and Roman hunched his shoulders. “I shouldn’t be quite as loud in the mornings, I know mornings are your daily trial.”

Virgil just waved him off while he sipped on his coffee, and Roman finished his breakfast quickly, stomach sour from the lack of sleep and from counting the calories. Roman noticed the many dishes, and helped Patton clean up again, secretly hoping for another offer of a hug. No offer came, and Roman told himself not to be surprised or sad. Patton just bid him a good day with a smile.

_A **forced** smile, you selfish attention whore. They’re only around you to humor you._

Roman allowed himself 5 minutes to cry in his room, which turned into 15, which he hated himself for. He dragged himself over to his desk when he felt Thomas start to get frustrated.

_Upsetting your Host, can’t even do your job right, can’t get anything done, too self-centered to think about anyone but yourself and eating._

He whimpered and forced himself to get to work. He was feeling pretty good about his work, but knew that he also wasn’t very good at assessing himself, so he kept pushing. He became increasingly dizzy and scatterbrained throughout the day, upset with himself for failing to keep up his standards. Words were coming more slowly to him, but he managed to power through and put some finishing touches on the ideas he had.

_I think these are good, I hope Janus likes them!_

Roman stopped short. _Well, he **does** seem to be able to see the faults I can’t and find the good things hidden in my actions. Maybe he’ll have some thoughts on this too?_

Determined, he walked outside his door, only to find a plate with a note next to it.

_Hi Roman! <3_

_Here’s a plate of lunch for you! I know you’re working really hard, just make sure to take care of yourself too!_

_Love,_

_Patton <3 <3 <3_

Roman’s eyes watered as he felt the _love_ come up from the letter. He could almost _feel_ the hug from Patton. He closed his eyes and focused on remembering the feeling of Patton’s arms around him, holding him, the soft hoodie and polo against his face.

“Roman?”

Roman shrieked and jumped. Virgil jumped backwards, holding his hands up.

“Whoa dude, sorry! Just…” Virgil relaxed and frowned at him. “Are you okay? You missed lunch, and you’re crying in the hallway.”

Roman quickly wiped off his face with his sleeve. “Why yes, I’m quite alright, never better in fact!”

Virgil raised an eyebrow. “You were crying in the hallway,” he deadpanned.

Roman faltered, but struck his pose to cover that fact. “Not to worry, I was simply moved by the greatness of Leonard Bernstein!”

Virgil wasn’t convinced. “If you’re sure…”

“I am, no need to worry about me Count Woelaf!” Roman winced the second the old nickname left his mouth.

Virgil sighed. “Alright, just if something comes up tell me?”

Roman smiled more genuinely. “I will Virgil. Thank you, truly.”

Roman thought he saw Virgil’s face turn red as he swooped his bangs in front of his eyes. “Yeah well, whatever, I’m just making sure. Dinner’s gonna be soon, you might wanna come downstairs.

_You bothered Virgil, you thoughtlessly called him an old nickname, forced everyone to worry about you for missing lunch because you’re an airhead, made Patton write a note and carry a plate of food to Your Royal Highness’ room because you couldn’t be bothered to be a decent fucking human being for once in your useless fucking life instead of being a selfish, greedy fucking bastard._

He quickly cleaned up his work station, used his dwindling strength to summon a mini-fridge for the leftovers, and quickly threw on a glamour spell to make himself look better.

When he exited his room again, he nearly ran into Janus.

“My apologies Janus, I didn’t realize you were right outside my door!”

Janus raised an eyebrow. “Again? Roman, don’t you pay attention?”

Roman ducked his head and clasped his hands behind his back. “I’m sorry, I was simply in a rush to get to dinner.”

“And you were loud.”

Roman’s heart sank. _I yelled at Janus AND Virgil! I’m horrible, truly horrible._

Before he could say anything, Janus spoke again. “At least you look more put-together. I can see you enjoy dinner! Come on, you’ve surely earned it!”

 _I didn’t earn it, I wasn’t good enough. I was horrible, in fact. But they’ll worry if I don’t eat dinner. It’s fine, I can go without it. But I can’t worry them, and I was rude, maybe I should-_ Janus snapped his fingers in Roman’s face, too close to his eyes. Roman reared back.

Janus just rolled his eyes. “Come on, you’re more dramatic than me I swear, and that’s an accomplishment! Let’s go down so you won’t get all cranky later,” he said as he patted Roman’s stomach. Roman flinched back, instinctively protecting himself from having his space invaded.

“You’re too much sometimes Roman, I wasn’t going to _hurt_ you.”

Roman stuffed his feelings down as he trailed after Janus. He could feel another bruise forming on his left shoulder.

Once he entered the kitchen, he saw Patton busily working and Janus split off to chat with Logan, Remus, and Virgil.

He took a breath for his typical greeting, but then recalled that he’d been too loud when speaking with Virgil and Janus. He settled for something more subdued.

“Greetings padre, anything I can assist with?”

Patton turned around, surprised. “No thanks Roman, I think I’ve got it covered! You feeling okay?”

 _Keep your voice down, you’re nothing but a **nuisance**._ “I’m feeling great padre! My apologies for missing lunch, I was simply caught up in my work and completely forgot!”

Patton smiled, still concerned. “Alright kiddo, let me know if there is anything you need, alright?”

_You stupid selfish whore, you’re **still** making him worry! Fix it fix it fix it fix it **fix it fix it** -_

“Of course, you’ll be the first to know! Hah, have you _ever_ known me to keep anything to myself for any length of time?”

Patton giggled, and Roman cheered. “You’re right, and that’s one of the reasons we love you!!”

His heart sank. _He’s pretending to love you because you’re honest, and yet you’re lying to his face. Useless. Coward. Liar. **Villain**_.

Roman sat in his seat, only for Janus to lean over and whisper against his ear, “I can smell the lies. Patton doesn’t deserve that. Stop hurting my friend.”

He shrunk in on himself, his food no longer seeming appealing in the slightest.

_You’ll have to work out so much more to work off this meal so you don’t get fat. Your prince uniform barely fits you as is! You need to be able to fit into your clothes!_

Roman expertly cut up his food and pushed it around the plate, eating only as much as needed to pull off the illusion.

“I think you’ll like some of the ideas I have padre! They’re nearing completion, I just need another set of eyes on them to make sure they’re good enough for Thomas!”

_I don’t need more food, I can survive just fine on what I’m eating. I haven’t died yet or been to the hospital. I know what my body needs, and it doesn’t need to be fat._

He noticed that the atmosphere was a little tense and Janus hadn’t been speaking, so he tried to invite Janus into a conversation. “Ah Janus, I was wondering if you’d like to meet after dinner?”

Janus looked up, a frown and wide eyes on his face. “Why?”

“O-oh! I just thought you might want to go over my work from today and if you wanted to continue meeting about what we’d been discussing?”

“Oh, I suppose so. I do have my own work to do, but if you really need my help I _suppose_ I can move some things around.”

_You’re imposing, you’re **guilting** , you need his help because he can see things you can’t, but he has his own shit to do you **selfish, useless, self-centered, good for nothing-**_

“Not to worry! If you’re busy then you needn’t inconvenience yourself!”

“Well when you put it _that_ way,” Janus scoffed. “Yeeessssss, I’ll see you after dinner. Besides, you’re not fine with submitting sub par work are you?”

_So **just** because you didn’t want to make things awkward you were willing to endanger the livelihood of your Host?! Selfish, stupid whore._

“I- no! But I-”

“It’s okay Roman, I understand you want to expend your energy elsewhere, but we really must think of the impact to Thomas.”

“Of course!”

Janus wiped his mouth and put the napkin on his plate. “I’ll see you in your theatre Roman.”

“Yes, thank you so much, I’ll see you there!”

Roman scarfed down a few more bites and magically sent his plate to the sink, despite his waning magic. He went into the hallway, dropped his glamour, and quickly rose up in his theatre, not wanting to keep Janus waiting.

_Janus won’t mind seeing me looking poorly, he’s seen me in such a state before. He knows **everything** , what’s the point in keeping up appearances around him?_

Janus was looking at him with his arms folded. “You’re late.”

_What? When did we talk about meeting times?!_

“I apologize, I don’t remember-”

“We talked about it _at length_ when we were here last time,” Janus snapped, “Try to pay attention! I’m giving you my time and you’re not giving it your best effort!”

“I am!” Roman insisted.

“I’ve yet to start seeing it!” Janus took a deep breath. “Now, let’s start with what you know. What did you do wrong today?”

Roman fussed with the edges of his sleeves, the material scratchy. “I missed lunch, I made everyone worry about me and it made Patton write a note and bring a plate upstairs, I was loud at Virgil and you and I startled Virgil. But I think I did good work today!”

Janus rubbed a hand over his face. “One thing at a time Roman, do try to focus. And that was a fine start, we’ll go over all the other things you chose to leave out. But yes, let’s see what we’re working with.”

Roman wasn’t feeling great, but he knew he had to get Janus’ feedback if he had any hope of telling Thomas. Despite his bruises, he felt optimistic.

_I really put the sparkle on these ideas, surely they’re ready for Thomas!!_

After 20 minutes of reading through Roman’s notebook, face impassive and unyielding, Janus closed the book and nodded.

“I must say Roman, these aren’t terrible for first drafts! You might want to spend some time cutting out the unreasonably silly ideas, but with development I think there might be something usable in there!”

Roman felt like he’d been stabbed through the heart. He accepted his notebook back and clutched it to his chest, tears forming in his eyes against his will.

Janus tilted his head. “What’s wrong? Were you not prepared for constructive feedback? I thought you wanted my opinion on your work,” he asked gently.

Roman’s shoulders hitched as he tried in vain to hide his falling tears. “Th-those ideas w-were s-supposed to b-be final d-drafts.” _I was so proud of them. I loved them. I thought they were good. I thought I had done good._

Janus’ eyes shot open. “Oh! Well, there’s certainly something to work with! Let’s see…”

They went over Roman’s ideas, Janus helping Roman to see the faults in each one. By the time they were finished, Roman hated all of the ideas and saw them as nothing more than broken dreams.

He hated himself more though.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Princey nuuuuuuuu


	5. Chapter 5

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hi folks! Some tw's for this chapter: anorexia nervosa and anorexia athletica, internalized fatphobia, negative self-talk, emotional manipulation, verbal abuse, guilt-tripping, graphic depiction of physical injury and exhaustion, and physical abuse. There is also a graphic description of a monster, like, _really_ graphic, and a character believes they're about to die, completely helpless to the monster. It's very intense and scary and happens right at the beginning of the chapter.

Roman jumped behind a rock just as fire blasted at him. After a long minute, the beast seemed to pause, so Roman tried to catch his breath and think of his family. He found he didn’t _want_ to tell Janus everything he did in a particular day, but Janus asked him so casually that it _must_ be important to being good. He had to tell Janus everything, if he left something out it might be an important detail! Janus would berate him for intentionally leaving things out, even if he didn’t remember he did them, but maybe he was subconsciously intentionally leaving them out? Janus had said something like that when Roman had been exhausted and injured, so it’s probably true. And Janus kept pointing out how self-centered and frail he was, and he _felt_ frail.

He consciously tried not to flinch away from Janus’ touches as well. Janus had laughed at him every time, and he _knew_ he was being ridiculous, Janus didn’t mean anything by it! Perhaps if he could get more comfortable with the others, he could get good faster.

He did notice that the others would be unhappy with him when he’d make Janus unhappy. Janus was trying _so hard_ , and Roman kept making the same mistakes. He’d do some things right, and Janus was really good at pointing those out! But he still couldn’t stop messing up.

Roman snapped back to reality when a great beast roared and again blew fire at the rock he was hiding behind. The monsters in his realm seemed to only multiply, no matter how many he killed, his villages were still being overrun by horrific beings. His people hated him, as they should, and he vowed to protect them until his last breath.

In a surge of courage, he darted around the rock and charged the beast, landing a blow to its neck vertebrae, allowing for a quick death. The monster collapsed, sending Roman falling down a steep ravine about 40 feet, tumbling over roots and rocks. When he landed on the bottom, the wind was knocked out of him and he arched his back in pain. Villagers had gathered at the top of the ravine and were throwing rotten apples down at him, jeering and hitting his many injuries and burns. He was overheated, he knew he was, he’d been battling this monster for four hours and it rarely ceased blowing white-hot fire at him, with the sun beating down on him and him running around in his prince uniform.

Roman wanted to call up to his people, tell them that he hadn’t meant to send the monster to them, but he couldn’t breathe to speak. He was wheezing, the pain darkening the edges around his vision. All of a sudden, the villagers started screaming and running, and Roman wanted nothing more than to charge up the hill and see what the threat was to his people, but he was immobilized by the lack of air and pain.

What looked like something between a dog and a centipede sniffed the air above where he was. Its orange eyes locked on him, and Roman felt a primal surge of fear. It was drooling and snarling as it started scuttling in curves down the hill, pausing every now and again. Roman’s terrified eyes tracked its every movement, until it came to a stop.

The monster was above him, its hideous body opposite Roman’s so he had to look at it upside down. It sniffed at him, then slowly opened its mouth, sharp teeth dripping gooey, green saliva. Hissing started first, then growling. Roman was frozen in fear.

_Some hero you are. Your villagers are right, you **are** the villain of this story._

Roman closed his eyes as the monster lunged forward with an unholy growl.

He jolted awake in his room, bleeding into his carpet. He hissed a breath in through his teeth, rolling on his side instinctively but jostling the injuries there.

 _There’s no escaping my wounds_ , he thought humorlessly. His alarms blared, and he internally swore.

_There’s a meeting today, I’m supposed to present my ideas! No no no NO NO **NO NO NO!!!**_

He hadn’t been able to produce an idea that was good enough for three weeks now. Not a single one. _Logan_ had come up with a video idea in that time!! Roman was eternally grateful for Janus’ help in figuring out why his work wasn’t good enough, and he _was_ getting better, he just needed some more time…

_You can’t take forever. You have **one job** , and you’re failing spectacularly at it._

Roman collapsed under the weight of his many failures. Janus had been getting closer to the other Sides, Virgil and him really patching things up, and Roman just ruined everything. In their relationships, in Thomas’ work, _everything_.

He registered a sharp, burning pain that seemed to go in a circle around his chest, sides, and back. He rolled onto his back, dry heaving at the pain, and unbuttoned his shirt as fast as he could. Pulling his top off was agony, but he managed it. He looked down, and saw a ring and angry-looking puncture marks.

_So that’s what happens if I die in the Imagination._

Roman forced himself to sit up and promptly vomited. He grimaced at the mess and stickiness on his clothes.

_Pull yourself together. For your family. For **Thomas**._

Roman fell every time he tried to stand, so he crawled on hands and knees to his bathroom. He pulled himself into the shower, cursing the 3 inch lip surrounding his shower, and cursed himself for spending an hour being self-centered. He managed to push through, although it seemed like one moment he was dirty and the next he was clean and feeling a little stronger. Roman felt off-kilter from the jump, but he shook himself and cursed when he saw the time.

_Five minutes left, where did two hours go?!_

Roman dried himself off, but was confused about what to do next. His head was spinning and his mind was cloudy. It felt like he was looking through a haze. When he closed his eyes, he saw teeth and fire coming for him, the Light Sides yelling at him, telling him how much they hated him, how worthless he is, how they never wanted to see him again.

Despite knowing the last part was a fabrication, he wept. Even as he felt the summons from Thomas and the other Sides, he couldn’t stop, trying to pull on his clothes through his crying. His crying was only interrupted by a gentle knock at his door.

“Kiddo? We’re waiting for you.”

Roman quickly summoned a glamour spell and stumbled to the door. He felt sick to his stomach as he realized he was missing his sash.

Roman pulled the door open, only to be met by a frowning Patton. Roman threw on his best smile for his friend.

“I’m ready if you are!”

Patton didn’t buy it, looking at him in disappointment over his glasses. “I’m glad to hear that Roman. Wanna rise up with me?”

Roman was worried that he’d faint, but didn’t dare mention that to Patton. “Of course! I’d love to accompany such a handsome prince!”

Patton just sighed and sank out. Roman was proud of how he kept the tears from his eyes.

Roman rose up in his usual spot, with what he thought was a minimal amount of swaying. His heart lurched when he saw his Host.

Thomas looked _awful_.

He was pale, there were dark circles under his eyes, and his skin lacked its usual glow.

“Thomas! What ails you?!” Roman cried, forgetting his training to be quiet in his panic. He felt like he got sucker punched as soon as he said it.

Thomas averted his gaze and scratched the back of his neck. “Jeez, I look that bad huh?”

 _That’s gonna bruise later._ “Not at all, still the most handsome prince in all the land!” Roman leaned forward, a hand by his chin and index finger curled delicately. “We do have the same face after all,” he said with a waggle of his eyebrows. He cheered internally when Thomas huffed out a laugh. _Success!!_

“Thanks Roman, that… helped.” Thomas sent a small but genuine smile over to Roman before it dropped off his face. “But I _still_ haven’t come up with anything good! Roman, buddy, are you okay?”

Roman struck his pose as bile rose in his throat. “Never better, never fear my handsome Host! Janus has been helping me narrow down ideas that are good enough for you!”

“Well, I’m glad you two are getting along, but it’s been a while without ideas and I _need_ something to put out! Do you have _anything_?”

Logan interjected, sensing his Host becoming upset and anxious. Virgil had his hood up and was biting his thumbnail. “Roman, it is your job to provide Thomas with inspiration and creative ideas. Has something been preventing you from doing so?”

“No!! Not at all!” Roman winced at his volume. “I’m sorry for yelling.”

Logan saw Thomas tilt his head out of the corner of his eyes, but continued. “Then what is the cause for the lack of inspiration?”

“I-” Roman tried to think of something say, but couldn’t. _Nothing’s good enough. **I’m** not good enough._

“Now now, Roman _has_ been trying,” Janus offered. “He’s just been struggling a bit with finding something that’s… polished, quality material.”

“Of _course_ Roman’s been working hard!” Patton encouraged. Roman felt a spark in his chest from Patton’s never-ending positivity.

Thomas sagged. “I’ll take anything at this point.”

Janus tapped his chin thoughtfully. “Perhaps we can take inspiration from one of Roman’s previously discarded ideas.” He snapped and looked at Roman. “How about that idea where we are all in various plays? Perhaps that can be used! It can all be filmed here and on your school’s stage, and the props needn’t be too expensive.”

Roman brightened. He’d _loved_ that idea of his, and was particularly proud of it! But… “Weren’t you concerned it would take too long to film?”

Janus frowned and titled his head. “No, you were, that’s why the idea got scratched. I quite liked it!”

“Oh!” Roman frowned to himself. _I must be remembering that wrong._ “Well then, let’s forge ahead shall we?”

Thomas and the Sides spent the rest of the day shaping up the idea and involving the rest of the team. They were pressed for time, but they all felt it was a workable idea. Roman tried not to show how much every edit hurt.

By the end of the day, Roman was sporting a few more bruises and he was ready to just work out, shower, and go to bed. Just as he was finishing up his two hour workout regimen, he heard several loud knocks on his door that startled him. Each knock felt like an ice pick to his ear drums.

Roman opened the door with a flourish. “Greetings Janus! How fares thee?”

Janus raised an eyebrow. “So you get one idea out in a month and decide to throw away all the work we’ve done?”

Roman flinched, the barb sinking into his skin. “I… you’re quite right. How may I help you Janus?” he asked much more quietly.

“Better. I thought that with the trainwreck that was today, you’d like to go over everything?” Janus asked.

Roman felt the air leave his lungs. _I thought today was good! Today was bad?_

Janus jumped in before Roman could say anything. “I mean, you did do _some_ good work!” He smiled encouragingly. “But there were some things to improve on.”

 _Oh! Of course, there’s always room for improvement!_ “Yes, certainly!-”

“Volume.”

“Oh right. Certainly, thank you Janus,” Roman replied meekly.

Janus smiled widely. “Not a problem, dear prince. The theatre?”

“Yes, that works.”

They spent the next two hours going over everything Roman had said and done, from his failed ideas to the volume of his voice to interactions between him and the Sides and Thomas, and how he hurt them. He powered through his intermittent crying, Janus sighing but not calling him on it.

_Weak, pathetic, fragile Ego. Can’t even take constructive criticism. Not even when it’s to stop hurting your family._

“Alright, I think we’ve covered enough for today,” Janus said quietly. Roman was taking calming breaths, trying to soothe the ache in his heart.

_You’re hurting them, you’re **hurting** them, even when you’re contributing you’re hurting them. You’re holding them hostage to your abrasiveness because they depend on you for ideas. They don’t love you. No one does. You’re unlovable. Look at how much you hurt Thomas and his Sides, and Janus didn’t even get to finish going over everything because of how **weak** you are. Here he is, helping you out of the goodness of his heart, and he has to stop because you’re so **pitiful**._

“Janus, wait!” Roman cried, hand outstretched.

Janus jumped and turned around, hand on his chest.

“Goodness Roman, you scared me! What is it? I do have some things I’d still like to get done tonight,” he panted.

“I’m sorry-”

“You know I hate apologies.”

“You’re right, I’m- I’ll do better. Please, if you have time, c-can we go over everything e-else I d-did wr-wrong?”

Janus’ face was one of surprise. “Are you certain? You seem rather upset, I don’t want to make you more upset.”

“Please! I’ll,” Roman sagged, dropping his head and hand. “I’ll do anything,” he whispered.

Janus sighed loudly and sat down. “Very well. I think we only have a little more left.”

Roman held himself together as best he could for the next hour until Janus closed his book.

“Well Roman, that’s it for today. You did really well.”

Roman’s head whipped up, eyes wide. “R-really?”

Janus smiled gently. “Yes, you silly man. You’ve been doing better, I think these sessions are helping… a little,” he hedged, “But! That was a good idea you had, and you’re doing better.”

A smile slowly spread across Roman’s face, his heart _glowing_. “Thank you! I promise I’ll only improve.”

Wearing the same smile, Janus just stood. “We’ll see,” he said gently as he ruffled Roman’s hair. Roman leaned into the touch subconsciously as Janus left. He quickly did his nightly beautifying routine and went to bed, elated for the first time in forever.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I got to flex my horror-writing muscles in this one! Nightmares do be like that though.


	6. Chapter 6

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Please heed the tw's for this chapter, as there are some changes: anorexia nervosa and anorexia athletica, internalized fatphobia, negative self-talk, emotional manipulation, verbal abuse, guilt-tripping, physical injury and exhaustion, suicidal thoughts, physical abuse, and about halfway through to the end, there's forced restraints and forced undressing.

Roman staggered out of his realm. He hadn’t been injured too gravely this time, but he’d heard the roars of a multitude of monsters after he’d slain one that had taken him 4 hours to kill. He hoped against hope that it wasn’t his brethren grieving.

Praying that the beasts wouldn’t attack again soon, he’d left his realm to take care of himself, and found himself with little will left. He dragged himself into the bathroom and sat on the ground, sweating and hot and in pain, but unable to motivate himself to take a shower that he knew would cure all of those problems. He just sat there, back against the shower stall, head leaning backwards, eyes closed as he breathed.

All he could do was breathe.

After the mounting anxiety became too great to bear, he opened his eyes, dismayed to see that it was just past 2 AM. Everything he had yet to do ran through his head, every thought about his wasted time, about his skin, his sleep, his energy, his focus. Finally, he was spurred to stand. He wearily took off his uniform and threw it carelessly in the hamper. He took a slow shower, berating himself for his laziness and inefficiency, and still felt like he was covered in a thin layer of grime after his shower. His sleep was fitful, and when his alarms blared he allowed himself a few frustrated tears.

He went about his morning routine, wanting nothing more than to pull on a clean but rumpled uniform so he wouldn’t have to iron it, and presented himself downstairs. He was in a foul mood, but was determined to put on a happy face for his family.

“Good morning! I hope you all slept well! Can I help at all Patton?”

Roman had been getting better at controlling his volume, but he winced at the loudness of the first part of his sentence.

“No thanks Roman! I think we’re all good here!”

_We don’t need you. We’d be happier without you._

“Good to hear! Logan, Virgil, Janus, Remus?”

With no’s all around at various stages of mumbling, Roman sat. He noticed Janus was in a bad mood, and his heart clenched.

 _I was too loud, I didn’t ask in the right way._ “Janus? Are you alright?”

Janus lifted his eyes, only to stare straight ahead at the refrigerator while sipping his coffee. The others picked up on Janus’ bad mood, but weren’t sure what to do about it.

“Janus sweetie? Would you like some pancakes?” Patton asked nervously.

“I’d love some, thank you!”

Roman felt a stab of confusion and fear as Patton smiled in relief. Janus was warm, smiling, grateful for Patton’s hard work.

 _I can try again, maybe he’ll respond this time._ “Say, Janus, how does your schedule look today?”

Janus went cold and silent.

Roman hunched in, aware of the eyes on him. He picked at his breakfast, relieved for an excuse not to each much, and escaped to his room. He sat down at his desk and began formulating ideas and plots, unaware of the Side appearing behind him. Just as he was finishing up a paragraph, he literally jumped out of his seat when cold fabric fell against the back of his neck. He jumped forward to escape the threat, and his injured torso crashed into his desk.

He collapsed to the ground, wheezing and vision greying out from the pain. Janus was standing above him, rolling his eyes.

“God _dammit_ Roman, you’re so…” Janus gestured around, then grunted. “Why must you do this?!”

Roman’s eyes widened when he realized there were tears on Janus’ face.

“I-”

_“Silence.”_

Roman obeyed, Janus’ chest heaving in fury.

“You keep _refusing_ to change significantly. I’ve tried to be gentle, I’ve tried to be kind, but when you flinch away so harshly it makes me feel-” he cut off with a sharp intake of breath, “-like _I’m_ the one hurting _you._ ”

“What?! No!!” Roman cried, upset at the thought he’d been making Janus feel that way. His mind supplied an image of him driving his own sword through his chest when Janus flinched at his yell. “You haven’t, I’ve just-”

Janus threw a hand over his own mouth when a hiccuping sob left him, and he quickly sank out. Roman stayed where he was on the floor, uncaring of the pain he was in at the moment, and stared at the spot where Janus had sunk out. After a few seconds of frozen silence, he covered his face with his hands and began sobbing.

_You FAILURE, you pushed away the ONE Side who **tolerated** you, who was **kind** enough to help you, and now you have **no one. You’re alone. You are WORTHLESS, HOPELESS, POINTLESS, USELESS, HARMFUL, DAMAGING, A BURDEN, YOU DESERVE NO ONE, YOU SHOULD KILL YOURSELF, POISONOUS, DANGEROUS, KILL YOURSELF, A WEIGHT BRINGING EVERYONE DOWN WITH YOU-**_

“Roman, honey? Can I come in?”

Roman took a deep breath and pushed himself into a sitting position, wiping at his face while he unlocked his door.

“Sweetpea, Janus is- Oh Roman!!”

Patton rushed over to where Roman was crying on the ground and knelt beside him. When Roman looked up, he saw Patton’s eyes glowing light blue with worry.

“It’s okay Roman, I promise. Can you tell me what happened?” Patton asked gently.

Roman wanted nothing more than to dive into Patton’s arms, to get the comfort and love he’d been deprived of for so many weeks, but held still. _I can’t force him to touch me when he doesn’t want to. I’m **gross.**_

“I’m s-sorry to worry you, I’ll be alright,” Roman offered a small smile.

Patton just frowned. “You can talk to me kiddo, it’s okay.”

Roman flinched as soon as Patton frowned. _I’m horrible, I’m being bad again!_ “I… what did you want to talk about when you came in? I certainly don’t want to waste your time!”

Patton sighed, clearly disappointed. “Janus seemed upset. Do you know what happened?”

Roman swallowed back a whimper. “I said some th-thoughtless things.”

“Sweetie, I know you’re trying, but Janus is too. You’ve gotten a little better with Janus, but he still seems sad a lot. Do you know what might be the problem?”

 _ **I’m** the problem._ “I do! And I know how to be better!”

Patton smiled and squeezed Roman’s shoulder. Roman wanted to cry from the pain and the love.

“I know you can do better kiddo.”

_Which is one of the reasons he’s so disappointed in your failure of an existence._

“And I will Patton, I promise! I’ll do whatever it takes!!”

Patton’s smile turned sad. “I know you will. I’m here if you need anything, just let me know, okay?”

 _I **can’t**._ “I will! Thank you, Patton. Really.” Roman was as sincere as he possibly could be, and he thought he saw Patton’s shoulders relax a little.

“Good luck kiddo.” After another shoulder squeeze, Patton sank out.

Roman curled up and let his hand hover over his shoulder while he cried for a few minutes.

_Pull yourself together, you’re **supposed** to be royalty! A brave and courageous knight! Go do the right thing!!_

Roman pushed himself to his feet, hastily rubbed at his face, and sank out to the theatre. He had a feeling Janus would be waiting for him there, and he was right.

Janus had his shepherd’s hook with him and was glaring at Roman.

“Oh, so you come here _obviously_ just finished crying? That’s not manipulative _at all_.”

Roman reeled backwards. “Janus, I swear-”

“Be quiet for once in your life, _Prince_ Roman!” Janus snapped. “I can see you’ve been trying, and failing, to change. Your behavior is unbecoming of your title despite your best efforts. You continue to mock and be frankly abusive towards me.”

“What?” Roman asked, ready to burst into tears. _I’ve been **abusive**?! NO!!!_

“STOP INTERRUPTING ME!!!” Janus thundered. “You need a firmer hand, clearly!”

Roman was confused until Janus waved his hand and ropes from the ceiling bound his wrists and ropes from the ground bound his ankles. He panicked, starting to struggle.

“Janus! Let me out, please!!” Roman cried, pulling against the ropes despite the pain it put him in. The bindings themselves were hurting Roman, pulling at his bruises and sore muscles. As Janus began to stalk towards him, Roman started thrashing more, terrified at the glint in the other Side’s eyes.

“Stop acting scared of me, you’re just trying to manipulate me and make me the villain in your story! But that was your intent all along, wasn’t it? To be the hero. To break me down, make me feel like I’m _hurting_ you when I’m just trying to help?! I’ve given so much of myself, and you only use it to exhaust me and hurt me!”

Roman was desperate; desperate to get out of the ropes, and desperate to make Janus feel better.

“Janus, I’m sorry!” Roman cried. _Maybe if I calm him down he won’t hurt m- No! No, I’m terrible for thinking he’d hurt me! He just wants to help me!_

“Stop apologizing, you _know_ I hate it when you do that! Trying to make me look bad, of _course_ you are!” Janus yelled as he stalked closer and closer.

Roman forced his muscles to react so he wouldn’t outwardly show how scared he was. When Janus summoned a knife, however, he couldn’t help the audible gasp.

“Oh _shut up_ for Christ’s sake!” Janus grabbed Roman’s sash, and Roman had to physically swallow to prevent any sounds coming out.

Janus sneered. “Some prince you are, scared at every little thing.” He grabbed hold of Roman’s sash and pulled, bringing Roman closer to Janus and the blade. Roman sucked in his stomach so he wouldn’t get stabbed.

Janus slowly looked Roman the prince up and down. “You don’t deserve this sash.” He turned his eyes to the red material, and sliced through it like it was hot butter. He pulled, and growled when the sash’s knot got stuck in the loops of fabric on Roman’s tunic. He cut the loop of fabric that was right next to Roman’s hip and tugged on the knot, making Roman flinch away from the accidentally intimate touch.

He was shocked by the backhand when it came. “God _dammit_ , you are so _frustrating!!!_ ”

Roman sobbed. “I’m s- I’ll do anything to make it up to you!”

“You haven’t been able to yet despite my great effort, I don’t think you’ll ever be able to. You fail at everything you do. You have only caused me and others pain and exhaustion. You can’t even serve Thomas correctly.” Janus studied the sobbing Side hanging before him. “You’re not worthy of this uniform. You are no prince.”

It took Roman a few seconds to realize what was happening due to the emotional turmoil and the exploding pain from the Ego bruises, but when he got enough of a handle on his senses he was horrified.

Janus was cutting off his clothing.

Roman froze stock still, unable to move or think. His skin goosebumped as it was slowly exposed to the cold air of the theatre. The tearing of fabric as it was cut away from his body was the only sound. He noticed how his clothes would pull at him until they were cut free, then they’d just float away from his body. When Janus got to his pants, Roman _wanted_ to move, but felt like he shouldn’t, like it would be wrong to move when Janus wanted to do something.

_He’s helping me, he’s trying to help, he just got frustrated._

“You’re hurting them, you know,” Janus said casually as he cut a line down the front of one of the pant legs, the sudden speech making Roman jump slightly. “And I know you don’t want to be hurting them, or me for that matter.” After a moment of silence as that leg was cut free, Janus peered up at Roman. “Right?”

Roman started hyperventilating. “Of course!! I’d _nev_ -”

“Oh my GOD you’re so annoying!!” Janus groaned as he tugged the remaining shreds of Roman’s pants away aggressively. He paused and breathed loudly through his nose. “I’m sorry. I need to remember to be patient with you. You just can’t stop yourself can you? Don’t worry, I haven’t given up on you _quite_ yet.”

A few choked-off cries escaped from Roman before he was able to stop himself. _No! I need him! I’ve been disappointing the one who cares about me, I need to be better!!_ Roman fought the urge to try to cover himself, now fully exposed. He wanted to hide in his room and never emerge.

“I think perhaps your costume may have been influencing your thoughts and behaviors,” Janus mused. “Perhaps if we got you into more fitting attire, that may help your progress, or at least get you out of this plateau you seem to be stuck on. I’ll need to think about what you should wear, I just know it’s not _that_ gaudy, ugly thing. In the meantime, do try to think on your behaviors and see if you can come back to me with any insights or suggestions.”

Janus waved a hand lazily, and the ropes fell away. Roman collapsed, muscles too weak from shock to stand. He curled up, vying for any modesty.

“Can you stop acting like a victim for ONCE in your life?!”

Roman whimpered and sank out directly to his room. He stumbled over to his bed and threw on his blankets, desperate for coverage but knowing his beloved uniform was no longer an option if he wanted to get better. He curled into the fetal position, frightened, in shock, and shivering from more than cold. His skin felt oily, and he briefly wondered if a shower would still be effective even if he had clothes on. He was so tired, he could fall asleep, he could just close his eyes…

Every muscle in his body jumped when he felt someone rise up in his room. Roman was quietly grateful that he had a sheet and two blankets covering him.

_And my disgusting body._

He froze when someone sat on his bed, acutely aware of how very naked he was underneath the layers he’d piled on himself.

“Roman, can you turn over so I can see you?” Janus asked.

Roman slowly rolled over, not wanting to obey but knowing it was the right thing to do. He met Janus’ eyes, feeling the little warmth he’d managed lost by the change in position. He wanted nothing more than to curl up defensively again, but he didn’t want to make Janus sad.

Janus smiled softly and started running his fingers through Roman’s hair. “Hi.”

Roman felt nauseous at the touch, but smiled back, mirroring Janus. “Hi.”

_I can do this, I can just copy what Janus does! That’s what he wants, right?_

Janus’ smile grew just slightly, and he ran the backs of his fingers over Roman’s cheek, then traced his fingertips over Roman’s chest. Roman felt _wrong wrong **wrong!!!**_ , but he didn’t know _what_ was wrong.

“I really care about you, you know,” Janus said quietly. “I hate seeing you sad. And I know you’re sad a lot because you have a propensity to make a mess of things up frequently,” he continued, a slight joking lilt to his tone.

Janus sighed, flattening his palm against Roman’s chest and rubbing back and forth a bit. Roman felt like throwing up. He didn’t want the touch, _but_ _Janus isn’t doing anything wrong, for goodness sake there are several layers between us! And it’s not like this is sexual, our relationship could never be that, we’re Sides and he’s a good man!!_ Roman couldn’t do anything but stare into Janus’ eyes.

“I’m doing what I can to help you get better,” Janus said, choking up a bit. “Even though I feel like I’m not… successful at it quite yet.”

Roman ached to object, ached to make Janus feel better, but words seemed lost to him.

“As much as this process hurts me - and I know it hurts you too, but I think it’s fair to say it hurts me more - I know it’ll be worth it so we can get you to be a good person and Side. We may have a ways to go,” Janus chuckled, “but I’m sure I can figure out a way to get you there.”

Roman felt a massive Ego bruise blossom over the center of his abdomen.

“Okay Roman, I think we’ve said what needs to be said. Perhaps we need to go over your schedule so you can _actually_ get work done and still have the energy to be kind to others. I’ll see you later?” Janus stood and sank out without waiting for an answer.

Roman stayed where he was, supine on the bed. He felt so exposed and vulnerable like this he hated it, and he wanted to curl up with the thickest sweater and sweatpants he could conjure.

_But what if Janus comes back and he wants to see you again? You can’t make him upset!_

Roman summoned a pair of black sweatpants, thick black cotton socks, a black t-shirt, and a black sweatshirt, scared to make the wrong fashion choice but taking comfort in the fact that black was slimming. He forced down an emotion when he thought back to the past hour.

_It was nothing sexual, I’m overreacting. He did what needed to be done, even after I infuriated him._

He forced his mind blank, and moved robotically. He sat at his desk, and got back to work.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Things are gonna keep getting worse for our Prince.


	7. Chapter 7

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hello lovely readers! Similar tw's for last chapter: anorexia nervosa and anorexia athletica, overt fatphobia, internalized fatphobia, negative self-talk, emotional manipulation, verbal abuse, guilt-tripping, physical injury and exhaustion, and physical abuse.

Roman declined the invitations to go downstairs for lunch or dinner, insisting on continuing his work. In reality, he wasn’t sure how to explain his new wardrobe, what his new wardrobe should be, or the reactions of his loved ones upon seeing it. And the lack of structure didn’t hide as much of his physique as he would have liked. His uniform at least had the benefit of illusion and giving him a better shape than he actually had, and he was too weak even for a glamour spell. Plus, he had to figure out how to adjust his schedule to be able to work and be better.

Roman jumped at the forceful and now-familiar knocks on his door and waved his hand to open it, racing to stand before Janus.

He smiled widely and remembered to keep his voice down. “Greetings Janus. To what do I owe the pleasure?”

Janus had a look of shock and disgust on his face. “What on _EARTH_ are you wearing?!”

Roman’s shoulders hunched in. “J-just something more befitting my behavior?”

“It makes you look _fat_.”

Roman’s jaw dropped open and a hurt scoff escaped.

Janus shrugged. “I’m just being honest, I tell it like it is. It’s not my fault you’re too weak to understand reality.”

_But you’re **Deceit?!**_ “I understand, thank you, I will be better. What do you think I should wear?”

Janus rolled his eyes. “I can’t do **everything** for you. For goodness sake, are you a toddler? Learn to dress yourself!!” He took a deep, noisy breath through his nose. “You’re distracting me, that’s not what I came here for. God, you get off topic so easily. We’re going to the theatre, obviously. Come on.”

_After my terrible performance where I made Janus snap? He’s truly an angel to want to keep helping me so soon!!_

Roman followed Janus, his heart swelling with how much care Janus was showing for him. Realizing he left his notebook with his schedule behind, he panicked and used his dwindling strength to summon it to his hand.

_Maybe Janus will be happier towards me this session? I want that, so badly._

Roman belatedly realized that he was walking around in his all-black cotton ensemble in the hallway, where anyone could run into them. He wanted to shrink into himself until he was invisible.

_I need to figure out a better wardrobe for myself very soon!_

Roman breathed a sigh of relief when they got into the theatre. Janus was walking swiftly across the stage, and Roman tried to keep up. However, Janus quickly spun on his heel and Roman nearly fell trying to stop himself in time. He sucked in a breath through his teeth, trying not to cry out in pain.

Janus rolled his eyes. “At least _try_ to pay attention.” He sighed heavily. “Now. What did you bring to this meeting today?”

Roman forced a pained smile onto his face and gripped his notebook in both hands.

“Oh Janus, I think-”

“Volume.”

“Right, I’m s- I’ll be better. I wrote down my schedule so we can go over it.”

Janus frowned. “Yes, that was my idea, I asked you to bring ideas as well. So I’ll ask _again_ : what did you bring to this meeting?” he asked, irritation increasing in his tone.

_Oh no, I’ve messed up **again!!** I just can’t stop mucking things up! And now I’ve upset Janus, right after he snapped and **still** helped me so soon after! I can’t do anything right, and I really really tried!!_ Roman looked down at his notebook, hands now shaking violently and vision blurring.

“No no no, don’t cry!” Janus rushed out. “It’s okay! I know you need better direction to have a hope of getting anything done! Ah, let’s start with your schedule then?”

Roman pretended not to hear the muttered “since that’s the only thing you managed to accomplish today.”

Roman opened his notebook to the pages with his schedule, hands still shaking. Janus took the notebook from Roman, exasperated. He looked over the schedule, only huffing in mocking amusement or grunting and frowning at times. It was several long minutes before he looked up at Roman with raised eyebrows.

“Well? Don’t you have anything to say?”

Roman startled. “I-I didn’t think you wanted me to say anything while you looked at it?”

Janus snapped the notebook shut. “If I only wanted to look through a messy notebook, I would have asked that you give it to me, not for us to have a meeting together! Besides, I’m not a monster, of _course_ you’re allowed to talk!”

Roman hunched in. “Right, I’m sorry. I went over my schedule, and I think if I cut out more meals more frequently I could get more done?”

“Is that a question or a statement?”

“I… both?”

Janus sighed and pinched the bridge of his nose. “Okay. Well, I suppose skipping a few meals here and there could have some added benefits,” he chuckled, glancing at Roman’s midsection. Roman just barely suppressed the urge to wrap his arms around his stomach.

“But you are in desperate need of far more help than that. I notice that you’re spending several hours per day playing Knights and Monsters in your little kingdom, is that right?”

Roman wanted to object, to say that it was more than playing a silly game, but he bit his tongue. “Yes, that’s right. It’s where I vie for inspiration!”

“ _Again_ , volume.”

Roman winced. “So really-”

“And how’s that strategy been working out for you?”

Roman felt like the floor disappeared from under his feet.

Janus sighed. “I’m sorry to be blunt, but I’m tired of seeing Thomas suffer because you can’t get your act together! Thomas deserves better.”

_Thomas deserves better than me._

The thought of not seeing his creations again felt like a beast was tearing a hole in his stomach. “I too dislike seeing Thomas hurting. But if I may, I’m worried that I may not be able to conjure imagination as effectively if I don’t go into the, well, Imagination.”

“Roman,” Janus began gently. “I think it’s time you accepted that what you have been doing isn’t working.”

“I _know_ that, but-”

“It’s time to accept that you’re wrong. Are you _able_ to be creative outside of the Imagination?”

“Well yes, but-”

“Then it’s settled,” Janus loudly interrupted. “And Roman, I saw those bruises on you. Are they from playing in the Imagination?”

Roman bristled at the implication of “playing”, but nodded. “Yes, some of them.”

“Don’t you think you’d be more effective as Creativity if you had more energy and fewer injuries?”

“I… suppose you’re correct.”

Janus smiled gently. “I’m so glad I could figure something out and you realized a few things! This session is already productive!”

Roman straightened his back and beamed with joy.

“It _would_ have been more effective had you been creative enough to come up with your own suggestions, but we’re moving in the right direction! Now, let’s review your interactions with everyone today and your general behavior.”

After another 2 hours, in which Roman thought they went over the same things several times, he could feel additional bruises gathering. He sank out directly to his room and wept for the pain he’d caused his loved ones that day and every day.

Once he was able to pull himself together after 20 minutes, he dragged himself to his feet painfully and walked to the doors of the Imagination. He could _feel_ the pain his kingdom was in, how his villagers were being terrorized by monsters.

_I cannot. Janus is right. Perhaps once I’m effective as a Side, I can go back in._

Roman manifested a lock on the Imagination’s doors. He could still get in, but it was a reminder of what was and was not allowed. He couldn’t tear his eyes away from the doors, heart being ripped out of his chest, until he forced himself to physically turn his back on it and sit at his desk. He quickly pulled out a feather quill and began to write.

/////

Roman stood before his walk-in closet, completely at a loss. He knew he wasn’t worthy of good clothes, but he wasn’t sure what to wear. Currently, he was wearing just a towel wrapped around his waist, post-workout shower completed, dreading the breakfast he knew he would be expected at.

_The t-shirt hugged all the parts I wanted to hide._

Roman snapped, and a plain black t-shirt that was several sizes larger appeared. He did the same for the sweatpants, giving them a drawstring.

_To hold them up while resting on my stomach fat._

After much debate, he chose a simple black and white plaid button up to hang over the rest of his frame. He studied his reflection, and after a few moments was pleased enough with how it covered up his fat that he felt brave enough to venture downstairs. He made sure to keep his footsteps light, not wanting to stomp his feet like Janus said he was prone to doing. He entered the kitchen quietly, hearing the idle chatter die down.

“Hello everyone. Patton, is there anything I can help you with?”

Patton turned to him smiling, then froze.

Roman shrunk in on himself. _Oh no, my thighs, they’re too wide! I need to focus on cardio. And he can probably see how much I’m trying to hide my stomach! My upper arms must be showing too!_ Roman picked apart his body and everything he hated about it.

“Roman, kiddo, I’m sorry for staring, it’s just a new look for you! Are you okay?” Patton asked carefully.

Roman grinned and puffed out his chest, hoping that would cause the fabric of his t-shirt to move forward and hide his stomach more. “I’m doing quite well! I feel very glittery this fine morning!”

Patton smiled sadly. “If you’re sure…”

_He can see you’re lying, you’re lying to **Patton** , you’re a monster, you’re **fat** …_

“I am! Just trying something new, perhaps more fitting than my prince costume!”

“You’re _my_ prince!” Patton said without missing a beat, slightly emotional.

_You’ve made Patton upset, fix it now you fuck up!_ “And you’re my _king_!” Roman said with a wink. Patton giggled and blushed a little, and Roman breathed out a sigh of relief. He turned to the table and saw Logan frowning at him, Virgil squinting at him, and Janus raising an unimpressed eyebrow at him. He hunched his shoulders slightly but put on a smile for them.

“So, what do you think?” he asked, unable to keep a slight quaver out of his voice.

“It certainly… suits your body!” Janus tried.

“Dude, are you _sure_ you’re okay?” Virgil asked.

“Indeed, this is a rather drastic departure from your usual appearance.”

Roman could feel his defenses go up, but he pushed them back down, yet another Ego bruise blossoming over his back. _My fragile ego is not worth saying unkind things over!_ “Oh, I’m just trying something new, nothing to be worried about! Say Logan, is there anything I might be able to assist you with today?”

“No, nothing that I can think of.”

_Nothing that he trusts you to do competently. Fat, useless, deserves to die._ “Virgil, what say you?”

“Nah dude, I’m good.”

“Janus?” Roman tried, voice thin.

Janus looked at him with a blank stare. “No Roman.”

Roman felt the reprimand and disapproval, and so did the other Sides in the kitchen if the curious stares were anything to go by. Patton walked around silently with food, and Roman opted for 2 fried eggs with two small breakfast sausages. He also took a few pieces of melon when Patton passed them around, hating himself for eating something so high in sugar, but he couldn’t stand the idea of upsetting Patton.

Roman finished his breakfast quickly, and cleaned his dishes and all of the cooking dishes while everyone else continued eating in strained silence.

Unable to bear to tension any longer, he decided to speak, avoiding everyone’s eyes. “I’m off to assist Thomas! If any of you need me, I’ll be in my room. Fare thee well!” He sank out quickly, cursing himself for not walking and taking the stairs, especially after that breakfast.

_It’ll be several hours just to work off all that fat and sugar._

Roman sat at his desk and focused.

_Thomas **needs** to get a rough draft of a script for the next Asides episode. Perhaps I could please Janus! Have Thomas lie to get ahead, and have everyone laud him for it! Yes, I think I know what to do!_

Roman began writing at a furious pace, excited for the plot he'd come up with, the fact that he was doing something right for Thomas, and the fact that he could make up for some of the harm he'd caused Janus.

_Let's see, I do need to make this realistic or else everyone will dislike me more… I know! I could be the villain! I'll insult Virgil, and then Patton when he comes to his defense. Insulting Patton is unforgivable! I'll insult Janus next, and Janus' hero arc can be continued while a "hero" is shown as the true villain all along!_

Roman pretended not to feel the tears streaking down his cheeks.

_It's a good, believable plot, there's no denying that._


	8. Chapter 8

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Welcome back!! We do have our regular cast of tw's here: anorexia nervosa and anorexia athletica, internalized fatphobia, negative self-talk, emotional manipulation, verbal abuse, guilt-tripping, physical injury and exhaustion, and physical abuse. There's also suicidal thoughts, as well as forced restraints, forced undressing, and dissociation about halfway through the chapter until the end.

Thomas leaned back in his chair, stretching his arms behind his head.

 _God, I got a lot of work done!_ He chewed on his lip. _Roman came THROUGH today, but this plotline…_

“Roman.”

Thomas frowned when Roman didn’t rise up right away. “Roman!”

After a few long moments, Roman rose up, looking disheveled and his uniform wrinkled, but smiling widely in his typical pose.

“Greetings, fair host! Forgive my tardiness, as I-”

Logan rose up. “Roman, when Thomas summons you, at _least_ have the basic respect for his time to show up promptly.”

Roman visibly flinched. “I’m sorry Thomas, I was just-”

The irked Side cut him off. “An apology means significantly less when you qualify it or try to excuse yourself.”

Roman dropped his hands at that. “You’re right, I’m sorry Thomas, I’m sorry Logan.”

Thomas looked between his two facets. “...oookay, Logan, go easy on Roman.”

 _‘He can’t help but be a failure,’_ Roman finished bitterly.

“Your time is valuable Thomas, and I’m not going to let anyone take from the limited time you have to work. You have much to accomplish if you want to achieve your goals.”

“Logan is right. I’m sorry Thomas,” Roman said sadly.

“Thank you Roman. Now if you’ll excuse me, I need to pick up the slack.” Logan sank out.

Thomas looked between Roman and where Logan had been standing, then shook his head. “Okay. So Roman, the reason I called you up here is because of this plot.”

Roman’s eyes widened. “You don’t like it?”

Thomas scratched his head. “No, I do, it’s compelling, but are _you_ okay? You’re writing yourself as the villain! That’s not like you.”

Roman relaxed when he heard Thomas like it. “Well, I _have_ behaved badly, and the Fanders haven’t liked me for quite some time. Even less so after the last full episode! And Janus deserves this after what I’ve done to him and to you, and I just want to be a good Creativity for you and not constantly be a disappointment and a bad guy and I want to stop _hurting_ you and everyone and-”

“Whoa whoa whoa! Roman!”

Roman shrunk his shoulders in, embarrassed at his outburst and at how emotional he got. “I’m sorry Thomas, I didn’t mean that, I just…” he trailed off, unsure of what to say.

Thomas looked shell-shocked. “Roman, I’m not happy with how you handled Janus’ name reveal, but I still love you. Do you really think those things about yourself?”

 _He shouldn’t love me. I’m not worthy of his love.I shouldn’t be here, everyone would be happier without me._ “No, of course not! I simply was concerned you didn’t like the plot! I’m quite relieved you do!”

Thomas frowned and looked over to his laptop. “Well yeah, I mean it’s a good story, but I don’t know if it makes sense in the overall story arc of the series you know?”

Roman felt something inside of him break. He stared at Thomas, speechless, eyes wide and burning. “I don’t know, maybe we can work it in as a side-story? We’d have to- shit! Roman, buddy, it’s okay!”

Roman’s chest started hitching, and he felt someone rise up next to him.

“It’s alright Thomas, I’ll take care of Roman. He’s been doing some very difficult work lately, please excuse his behavior.”

Janus gently wrapped an arm around Roman’s shoulders and a hand on his forearm, and started sinking out, making Roman sink out as well.

Once they were in the theatre, Janus spun Roman around so he was facing him.

 _"What the **fuck** was **that** about?!"_ He hissed. 

"Wh-what?" Roman warbled. _What’s happening? I don’t understand!_

Janus shook Roman hard enough to make him see stars. "I saaaaid," he drawled. " _What. The **FUCK**. Was that?!_"

Roman started hyperventilating. “I-I don’t know! I’m s-sorry! I just got s-”

He was cut off with a slap to the face. It wasn’t hard, but it got the message across.

“You _overreacted_ ,” Janus began. “I bet you don’t even know what Thomas said! What he wasted his time telling you! You hurt Logan by calling him all sorts of cruel things, and then you make up your own story about what happened to make yourself look like the victim and everyone else _evil._ ” Roman jumped when Janus started crying. “You made _me_ look evil! Again!!”

“No, Janus, I made you the hero!”

 _“DON’T YOU **DARE** RAISE YOUR VOICE AT ME AGAIN!!!”_ Janus startled. “Look at what you’re doing to me…” he whimpered.

“I’m sorry!! Please, tell me how I can make it better!” Roman begged.

“Oh of course, _I_ have to do all the work again!”

“No I-” 

“Stop lying!!” Janus thundered, tears streaming down his face. "Stop making me the villain!!"

Roman fell to Janus' feet. "I'm sorry! I w-want to be good!"

Janus kicked his shoulder, nailing a wound from a dragon that overlapped an Ego bruise, causing Roman to collapse and cry out in pain. "Stand up, stop being so dramatic!"

 _He didn't know_.Roman weakly, painfully stood.

"And your sarcastic story nearly rivaled my own abilities, so _well done,_ ” Janus said as he slow-clapped. “Good news for you, Thomas is too naive to see it.”

“I didn’t mean it-”

“Oh, well if you didn’t _mean_ it!” Janus threw up his hands. “And how has you arguing back worked in the past, hm?”

Roman faltered. “It… It’s ended _horribly_ for you, and I am so-” 

“If you apologize one more time, so help me God,” Janus warned. Roman snapped his mouth shut.

“Good. Did you _really_ think that story wasn’t a sarcastic essay on how awful I am and how you’re the unsung hero?”

“What?! No!!”

“Stop yelling at me. I think I see what’s going on.”

_Oh thank god!!_

“I don’t think you understand how much you twist things in your mind. Do you remember how many times I’ve had to correct you in the past?”

"Yes! It's been several times!"

"Volume," Janus warned.

"I'm s- I'll do better."

"I shouldn't have to keep reminding you. And it's been more than several times that I've had to correct you. You make up the wildest scenarios that have never occurred, and twist other scenarios into whatever vision makes you look good until they're not recognizable anymore. And the fact that you didn't realize how hurtful you were being while writing is…" Janus paused to wipe his face and blow his nose. "...concerning, to say the least."

_Have I been so awful? I mean, I **know** I have been, but how do I misremember so badly?_

"I… how could this happen?"

Janus looked down and fidgeted, which looked just _wrong_ on him. "I should have been expecting this, and it really is partially my fault. I must admit that I haven't fully honest with you." He stared into Roman's eyes coolly. "You're a narcissist. I've read the DSM. And unfortunately, because you've been left unchecked, it's turned you into an abusive person.

Roman felt his reality falling apart. _No…_

"I will try to help you," Janus continued. "But you must be willing to accept that you don't remember things correctly."

Roman felt his chance to be good and to stop hurting everyone slipping through his fingers. "I promise! I promise, I'll do whatever I have to!"

Janus smiled. “I am so very glad to hear that Roman. Let us begin with a more tangible expression of your abusive behavior.” Janus snapped, and ropes snaked out from the ceiling and floor. “You’re wearing that _gaudy_ uniform _after_ you _promised_ to stop wearing it because you knew how much it hurt people.”

Roman’s heart sank. _No, please, not again!_ “I-I just wore this uniform so Thomas wouldn’t be concerned!”

“Oh, he would be concerned? Why? We went over why it hurts him too.”

Roman felt like he was being spun around on a nightmare of a merry-go-round. _What?! I don’t remember that!! It hurts him?! My poor Host!!_

“How could I forget something so important?” Roman whispered to himself.

Janus sighed, slapping a hand onto Roman’s injured shoulder. Roman cried out, and Janus rolled his eyes.

“Stop being so dramatic, you overreact to everything. Abusers have to manipulate their version of events in their own heads to justify their behavior. Does that make sense?”

Roman felt his heart get ripped out of his chest and shredded to pieces. “Does it matter what I think?” he asked miserably.

Janus smiled sympathetically, squeezed his shoulder, and summoned a knife to cut away Roman’s uniform. Roman extended his weakened magic, trying to see if the ropes would give any. They didn’t.

Janus placed the knife in the center of Roman’s collar, with the tip poking his neck. Roman resisted the urge to shift away, terrified he might accidentally get his throat slit.

“J-Janus? I can j-just t-t-take my c-clothes off, there’s no need-”

“Wow, you care more about your clothes than not hurting other people? I don’t know, you might be too far gone.” Janus stepped back, watching Roman.

“No, I just thought-”

“Remember, we talked about this literally a minute ago. Your thoughts aren’t correct. They aren’t accurate. You need help, and I’m the one to help you.”

“Yes, you are, and I’m very grateful for that.”

Janus smiled. “I know. I could tell you weren’t comfortable with me cutting off the top of your uniform. I won’t start there then.”

Janus crouched, grabbed a piece of Roman’s waistband, and began cutting without any further ado.

_I can’t escape. This is going to happen, this **has** to happen._

Roman felt violated, and tried telling himself he was wrong, but he kept feeling that way.

_I shouldn’t feel this way. Janus isn’t doing anything wrong, my brain is just trying to make me the victim and him the villain._

He stared into the shadows of the wings, red curtains and Janus fading away. He let himself get lost in the darkness, vision blurring, and heard the ripping and cutting of fabric get farther and farther away.

When cold air hit his genitalia, he was brought back to awareness. Janus was standing, staring at his nudity. He took a piece of the remainder of Roman’s uniform and cut upwards, knife slowly approaching Roman’s neck. Suddenly, the knife broke free of the fabric, and Roman saw his life flash before his eyes. It took several long moments to realize that the clasp on his collar had caught the blade, saving him from injury.

Janus hissed in irritation before undoing the clasp, making long, slow cuts up the sleeves, and letting Roman’s uniform fall to the ground. He vanished it with a wave of his hand.

“Let that be the last of that, hm?” Janus asked, amused. He snapped his fingers, and the ropes holding Roman up disappeared suddenly, causing him to fall to the floor, jostle his existing injuries, and get several scrapes. Roman groaned, slowly moving his arms and legs underneath his body to try to push himself up.

Janus rolled his eyes. "This is another good example of your abusive behavior."

Roman felt like he got the wind knocked out of him. _I'm doing it now?!_

"Playing up how much you're hurt by my _helpful_ actions. You're being manipulative."

Roman started quietly sobbing, pushing himself up to hands and knees, acutely aware of how exposed he was.

Janus sighed. "I'm going back to _my_ work, but I think you made progress today."

Roman's head whipped up. "Really?" he whispered, hope blossoming in his chest.

Janus smiled gently. "Really. Let's both think about what contributed to your success. Have a good day, Roman." He continued to smile as he sank out.

Roman waited until Janus was out of the theatre before he too sank out. Roman landed in his room and started moving towards his shower.

_Another thing I'm making up. I shouldn't feel dirty and slimy, I showered this morning._

Roman walked into his shower, head hung low in shame.

_I'm making up more stuff, I'm making up more feelings, and I'm too weak **not** to act on those feelings. I need to be better. I need to stop hurting people. I should kill myself, stop bothering them. But Thomas hasn’t generated a new Creativity yet. Hopefully soon, so I can stop being nothing but a burden to those around me._

Roman showered, still feeling gross once he got out of the shower, but nevertheless got to work.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Grooming can really take hold of one's mind really intensely.


	9. Chapter 9

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Please welcome back, the original stars of this show! Tw's for: anorexia nervosa and anorexia athletica, internalized fatphobia, negative self-talk, emotional manipulation, verbal abuse, guilt-tripping, physical injury and exhaustion, and physical abuse. We will also have more tw's joining our cast, such as gaslighting, forced restraints, forced undressing, sexual abuse, and caning.
> 
> (I'm trying to switch it up a little)

A week passed, and everyone in the Mindscape was feeling upbeat. Janus had been happy, relaxed and content around Roman. Roman was giddy with the fact that he'd been making Janus happy and hadn't harmed his loved ones for so long, to the point where he had to restrain himself from being too energetic.

He'd helped modify the script he'd created for the next Asides episode into something Thomas thought fit the overall story arc better, and though it hurt to have so many edits done he knew it was for the best.

At the moment, he and Janus were happily chatting and watching TV, since Thomas was taking a break. Conversation flowed easily, and Roman soaked up every moment of it. Patton was _smiling_ , _truly happy_ , and would chime in every now and then. Logan was resting in his room, needing some alone time, Remus would come in and out of the living room to tease Roman about his new outfit or make a crude comment, and Virgil was sitting quietly in an armchair with his phone out, content to be around the easy peace.

Roman found himself getting drowsy; he’d been pulling late nights and early morning, trying to work out and get enough inspiration for Thomas without access to the Imagination, and he’d been struggling. So far, he’d managed to keep his head above water, but he found it was taking him much longer to complete work. Janus had been helping him analyze his behaviors and critique his ideas before they even got to Thomas, and Roman was incredibly grateful. It was taking a toll, but he knew it was his own fault for being blind to his own actions.

He also couldn’t stop thinking about being stripped and _stared at._

Emotional and physical exhaustion and pain won, and he found himself slipping into sleep. The next thing he knew, he heard voices and felt a hand tightly squeezing his injured shoulder. Roman didn’t have the presence of mind to silence himself, so he cried out loudly from the pain and twisted his body away. The hand was removed, and he stopped hearing voices.

Roman opened his eyes and looked around, shivering and hyperventilating from pain; Remus’ eyes were glowing green, Virgil’s eyes were glowing purple, Patton’s eyes were glowing light blue…

...and Janus was frowning at him. “What’s wrong Roman?” Roman saw Janus harden his eyes in warning for just a moment before he softened them again.

“I… my shoulder hurts?”

“I’m so sorry Roman, I didn’t know!” Janus said, voice shaking.

Roman rushed to reassure him. “It’s quite alright Janus, I overreacted! I was just… surprised is all!”

He was surprised when he saw a tear make its way out of Janus’ reptilian eye.

“I know Roman, I just took it the wrong way, clearly _I'm_ the one in the wrong here. I'm so sorry Roman!” With that, Janus stood, making Roman flinch, and sank out.

The room was filled with tense silence. Roman couldn’t yet bring himself to meet anyone else’s eyes, terribly embarrassed.

“Are you okay sweetie?” Patton asked cautiously.

Roman turned and flashed him a broad smile. “I’m quite alright!”

“Well then I don’t want to be here. Awkward!” Remus declared before he too sank out.

Another few moments of silence passed.

“Janus seemed upset about something,” Patton said to himself.

 _Fess up, you spineless, yellow-bellied coward!!_ "I believe it was me," Roman admitted shamefully. "I know what happened. It was my fault."

Virgil frowned. "You sounded like you were hurt."

 _ **Shit!!**_ "Oh really? I was merely startled out of a dream! You know me, my dramatics are just too much, everything for a show!" Roman chuckled, standing quickly so as to not make them do emotional labor. "I'll go speak with him! Farewell!" Roman sank out as fast as he could, wincing when he realized he hadn't maintained control of his volume.

Roman resituated his t-shirt and plaid button up once he landed in the theatre, making sure he was hiding his body as much as possible. He heard Janus pacing on the stage and gulped, taking steps forward.

"Roman, _so good_ of you to join me."

Roman winced at the acerbic tone. "Janus, I'm-"

"Oh, it always has to be about you, doesn't it?!" Janus whipped around and stalled towards Roman, face twisted in fury, causing Roman to take an instinctive step backwards.

"STOP!! JUST STOP!! You’re acting as though I’m going to harm you at any moment, as if I haven’t been doing nothing but help you, as if _I’m_ the villain here! I’m not, and I’m _assuming_ you can guess who is!”

Roman let his head drop.

Janus took a deep breath. “One, two, three, four…”

Roman looked up, confused. Janus’ eyes were closed.

_Oh. He has to count to ten. Because I upset him._

After Janus counted to twenty, each number driving an ice pick deeper into Roman’s heart, Janus met Roman’s gaze.

“You really know how to bring out the worst in people, don’t you?”

Roman stared at him, in shock. Janus stared at him, unmoving. When Roman realized Janus wasn’t going to say anything, he relented.

“I’m sorry.”

Janus sighed and looked off to the side, shaking his head. “You _had_ been doing well. What changed?”

“I thought I was doing good!”

Janus chuckled. “Oh Roman, I must admit you do have a good sense of humor. But do try to be _serious_ here. You had been doing _better_ , much better. So what changed?” He tapped his fingers against his chin and looked up. Roman fought not to fidget.

“Aha!” Janus shouted. “I’m sure you’ve heard how corporal punishment does more harm than good?”

“Yes?” Roman answered.

“Don’t be snotty. Well, it must work for _some_ people, right? No one rule can work for every person in existence. And we’re not even fully human!”

Roman felt a cold sweat break out all over his body. “I suppose…”

“And last time, you asked me to hit you to get you back on track, and it worked! Good idea Roman!”

_That’s not what happened!!_

“I’m so glad you insisted!”

_What? I did? Am I making things up again?_

“And I think you’re right, incorporating more physical punishments _does_ seem to get you out of a rut or off a plateau. My only concern is, we don’t want the others to get the wrong idea. So we’ll need to keep any of the physical punishment you want where you can’t make the others think I’m the villain as you’re so prone to doing.”

“I-”

“Do I have your consent?”

Roman felt thrown. “What?”

Janus growled. “I said, do I have your consent?” he asked, irritated.

 _No no no, you’re being annoying again!_ “Yes you do, I just-”

“Good, then you won’t waste any more of my time.”

_Ouch._

Janus waved his hand, and Roman was suddenly exposed. He barely had time to process before the now-familiar ropes shot out and bound him. As Janus walked by, he looked pointedly at Roman’s genitals, before looking up and smiling at Roman.

“I’m so glad you’ve made this choice.”

_I didn’t-_

Roman tensed when he felt air move against his back. He screamed when he was hit with Janus’ shepherd’s staff.

“Oh relax, I didn’t hit you that hard. This is just to get you used to it. You really need to work on your reactions.”

Janus landed four more hits, with Roman screaming with each one but forcing himself to be quieter each time. The pain would flash behind his eyes first, before racing up his spine from where he’d been hit, flaring in the time between strikes.

“Let’s start there, and we’ll… _increase the dose_ if that’s not effective.”

Roman was hanging limply in the ropes, hyperventilating, tears and snot running down his face.

“What say you Roman? It _was_ your idea, after all, and surprisingly a very good one!”

 _A good idea, I have to-_ “Yes, I th-think-” Roman gasped. “I think that’s a g-good idea.”

Without warning, he was dropped to the unforgiving wooden stage. The wind got knocked out of him and he gasped desperately.

“Wonderful! Now, do make sure you sink out to your own room, just because you like taking your clothes off doesn’t mean you should force others to see your nakedness without their consent.”

“I’d never!”

“Good.”

 _Staring at you, staring at you, staring at you!_ Roman pressed his legs closer together.

“Janus, wait!”

Janus turned around, genuine surprise on his face before it morphed into annoyance.

“What?” Janus bit out.

Roman cowered back. “I-I’m sorry for annoying y-you, but I was w-wondering why you were… looking at me?”

Janus frowned and tilted his head. “I have no idea what you’re referring to.”

Roman tried to curl in on himself even more, trying to hide his nakedness. “I… I saw you, um, stare at me? Where I’m,” Roman squeezed his eyes shut. “Where I’m usually wearing pants?”

Janus’ face hardened. "Roman, you got naked in front of me, forgive me if my eyes drifted for a moment! You need to stop accusing people of such horrible things just because you don't like what they have to say.”

Before Roman could apologize, Janus turned and strode out of the theatre. Roman sank out and landed in his bathroom, biting back a cry as the movement jostled his bruises. He summoned a fluffy bathrobe and wrapped himself in it, approaching his mirror and turning to face the open bathroom.

_I don’t want to, I don’t want to, I don’t want to…_

Roman swallowed thickly, tears joining the dried tracks on his face, and shifted the top of his robe off his shoulders and down his back. He forced himself to peer over his shoulder to survey the damage done to his back, and winced.

His back was criss-crossed with dark red marks that were already turning purple in the center. He knew he’d been badly hurt by the muscle-deep aching, but he hadn’t realized…

_This… this can’t be right._

Roman quickly shuffled his bathrobe up, then snapped on his clothes underneath it. He crawled under his blankets and hugged himself, crying in shame.

_I can’t stop pretending that Janus is hurting me. I keep trying to make him an **abuser** or… or **predator** in my mind! How could I be so horrible as to accuse someone of something so atrocious?! He’s just trying to help me, and I’m equating him to horrible things in my mind because I don’t like what he says! I need him. He’s the only one willing to help me._

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> As noted in the beginning A/N's, those three tw's will become more and more common as the fic progresses, so please be kind to yourself.


	10. Chapter 10

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hi folks! About midway through the chapter, there's forced undressing and sexual abuse, followed immediately by silent treatment and physical assault. We also have anorexia nervosa and anorexia athletica, internalized fatphobia, negative self-talk, emotional manipulation, verbal abuse, guilt-tripping, tons of gaslighting, and physical injury and exhaustion playing a part throughout. Princey is just getting broken down again and again.

Roman kept crying out his loneliness, until he felt a tug from Thomas.

_Oh god!! I’m so sorry Thomas!!_

Roman leapt out of bed and ran to his desk, locking into Thomas’ train of thought and picking up his pen, starting to write almost immediately. His panic faded into focus after a few minutes, and he had written close to 4,000 words of a rough draft of the next Sanders Sides script by the time loud knocking jolted him out of his focus. Roman bit the inside of his cheek so hard he tasted blood to quiet his screams, then quickly answered the door. Patton was smiling at him.

“Hey kiddo! You’ve been working really hard, why don’t you come down for some dinner? You missed lunch!”

Roman couldn’t stop the hurt feeling. _I missed lunch and no one even **told** me?_ He smiled through the physical and emotional pain.

“A grand idea padre!” Roman winced. “I’m sorry for yelling. I’ll meet you downstairs?” His eyes widened and his breath caught in his throat. “I mean, if that’s okay! I can eat up here if it would be uncomfortable for everyone to have me downstairs!”

_**This** is why no one told you. You’re annoying, you keep hurting everyone, and now you’re being manipulative to **Patton**._

Before Roman could backtrack, Patton smiled again, this time slightly more forced. “Of course we want you there!”

_He’s lying, he’s lying to you, he just wants you there so he can mock you and make fun of you with the others._

Roman shook his head. _Where on **Earth** did **that** come from?_

He met Patton’s gaze, trying to smile back at the softest puffball in all the Thomasphere. “I’ll be down in a minute padre.”

Patton looked sad before he turned around, and Roman felt another piece of his heart chip off.

_Nooooo, not Patton!_

Roman ran his fingers through his hair before going after Patton. When he got to the kitchen, he heard Janus’ voice.

“-and Remus, he told me that he can only barely tolerate your behavior. Absolutely cruel of him, I know, but he wants to save face and pretend he likes you.”

 _That’s my brother! I love him!!_ Roman started running towards the kitchen.

“Do keep that to yourself, he told me these things during one of our meetings in the theatre.”

Roman stopped in his tracks. _I did?_

Patton ran into Roman, and Roman fell into darkness.

/////

“Wake up, stop being cruel.”

Roman groaned as he blinked against the harsh lights. His back seared, his other injuries screaming at him.

“I told them what you told me, I had to Roman, I’m sorry. But you can’t keep pretending you’re hurt just to manipulate people.”

“What?” Roman asked, voice trembling. _I don’t do that! I’m trying to hide how much pain I’m in!_

“You overreact to the smallest brush of fingers, and it _hurts_ , Roman, to make you think we’re hurting you.”

Roman looked around the room, everyone’s faces either frowning or neutral. To his horror, Remus’ face was flat.

Roman’s resolve to be strong broke. A lump formed in his throat and his chin began to quake. “B-but I’m n-not-”

“Please stop lying to us.” Janus sighed and pinched the bridge of his nose. “I’ll bring your dinner up later.”

Roman tried to meet the eyes of the other Sides, but no one would meet his gaze, save for Remus. Remus looked at Roman with too many emotions to process in his green eyes before looking away.

He hung his head, starting to cry more, and sank out to his bedroom. Once he hit his plush carpet, he curled up into the fetal position and bawled.

_Have I really been doing that? Is my mind so twisted I wouldn’t remember that? No!! Janus must be making things up!_

He bit his fist.

 _But the others are mad at me too._ Several powerful sobs were punched out of him. _They don’t love me anymore!! **Oh god, they don’t love me anymore!!!**_

Roman stayed on his carpet, wailing out the pain of his broken heart, until he felt someone sink into his room. He quieted down, pressing his lips together to stop as much sound from escaping as possible.

Janus was glaring down at him. “I was telling them how much progress you’d made, and truly, you did perform well today Roman.”

Roman perked up a little, despite the tearing in his chest.

“But the conversation wandered to our meeting, and they insisted I tell them what you said during the newest part of our sessions. Suffice to say, they no longer… _care_ for you.”

Roman buried his face in his hands and wept. Janus sighed loudly above him.

“They also aren’t particularly pleased that you’ve used their _pity_ for you against them. You overact, we get it, but you need to stop.”

Roman kept crying, unable to do anything else.

“I’ll speak with you tomorrow when you’re not so emotional.”

“Wait, please!! I’ll do anything, please don’t leave me!!”

Janus paused, and looked over his shoulder. “Anything?”

Roman felt his skin crawl, but whispered, “Yes.”

“As long as I have your consent.” Janus snapped his fingers, and Roman was unclothed.

“Get in bed.”

Roman stared at Janus. _He can’t mean…_

Janus raised an unimpressed eyebrow. “You said anything, and this worked last time.”

Roman scrambled for- _oh_.

“U-under the blankets, l-like l-last t-time?” _**No no no PLEASE, NO, I don’t want to!!**_

“I said like last time, didn’t I? Besides, we’re not doing anything _sexual_ , for Christ’s sake.”

 _Did he say that? I thought-_ “Yes, s-sorry.” _**NO, NO PLEASE, I CAN’T!!** I know it’s not sexual but it feels so… **wrong.**_

Roman crawled under the blankets and lay flat on his back. Janus smiled and slowly walked over, maintaining eye contact. He sat down on the edge of the bed and placed his hand on Roman’s chest.

Janus smiled gently at him and started rubbing his hand back and forth. “Hi.”

Roman mirrored him again, shaking. “Hi.”

Janus looked down to watch his hand. “You know, I don’t know what it is, but these gentle touches seem to really help you, wouldn’t you agree?”

“Yeah,” Roman replied automatically, completely lost.

Janus kept rubbing Roman’s torso, moving around in a seemingly random pattern but focusing on his pecs. Everything was silent, save for the movement of skin on cloth. Roman was too paralyzed to keep crying, he felt numb. He stared at his ceiling, tracing invisible constellations across it.

“God!” Janus stood suddenly and walked away.

“Janus?” Roman asked, confused and terrified that he’d made Janus upset. _I’ve upset the one person who still likes me!_

“You weren’t talking, you obviously didn’t want it.”

Roman panicked. “No, please! I did want it!”

“You weren’t acting like it. Goodbye, Roman.”

Janus sank out, and Roman realized a moment too late that the one person who still cared about him at all just left. He pushed himself to his feet and started to run but stumbled, falling to the floor and gasping in pain. He stood again, steadying his balance, before tugging on the clothes that had been neatly folded at the foot of his bed, sinking out to Janus’ room-

-and being promptly spat out into the hallway.

Roman had another reason to cry. _He’s blocked me._ He stood and knocked on the door.

“Janus?! J-Janus _please_ , I need t-to t-talk to y-you. I’m _begging_ you, _please!!!_ ” The silence carried on, and Roman felt his emotional agony increase with every second. “Please Janus, I’m _s-sorry!!_ ”

He was suddenly pushed forward into the door, splitting his lips and breaking open all of the scabs on his front. His bruises from the caning were throbbing from the pressure.

Roman turned over, laying on his side to see who had pushed him, when he was kicked squarely in the diaphragm, hard enough to make him spit up bile. Several more kicks landed, and then silence.

 _“Fuck. You.”_ Roman registered he’d been spit on a moment later. He looked up to see Virgil’s face absolutely _thunderous._ “Do you know Patton hasn’t stopped crying? And now you start yelling in the middle of the fucking hallway, where you _know_ we can all hear you, and making us sleep-deprived. Janus is right, you _are_ abusive. Depriving people of sleep, so what, they fall for even more of your bullshit?” Roman was shocked when tears started running down Virgil’s face. “I trusted you! After everything you did to me! You’re even _worse_ than what I thought you were!”

The Side spun on his heel and walked away, snapping away the shimmering barrier that enclosed him and Roman.

Roman laid curled up on the floor in utter shock, unable to process any of what happened. He ended up falling asleep there, too exhausted and in too much pain to move.

/////

“Oh.”

Roman lifted his head and blinked blearily, vision swimming. He made out a Side in blue jeans and a black shirt with blue in the center.

“‘Ogan?” Roman rasped before coughing. His vision cleared just as Logan looked away and sank out.

Janus’ door opened quickly and hit Roman squarely in the ribs, causing him to keen and attempt to curl away from the wood. Janus just grunted in frustration and pushed the door hard enough to slide Roman’s body across the floor, before stepping over him and slamming his door.

“Janus…” Roman weakly wheezed. Janus just kept on walking.

Roman could feel himself beginning to cry again, so he sank out to his room.

_I’m alone. I’m truly alone. Not even **Janus** will speak to me. The one person who cared about me the most, he doesn’t want to speak to me. Oh, what I would do just to get one last chance!!_

Roman cried on his floor for an hour before dragging himself to his desk. He knew he had to squeeze in three workouts worth of exercise later in the evening if he wanted to catch up for what he’d been missing, but he also knew he had to keep Thomas working.

When lunchtime rolled around, Roman knew he wouldn’t be welcome, but he was so weak and hungry and his head hurt so bad.

_Janus never brought me any dinner last night._

This was enough to make Roman start crying again.

_How could I be so selfish and entitled?! Of course he wouldn’t bring me any food!! Why would he?!_

Roman slipped a note under Janus’ door, apologizing and begging to talk, which was slipped back out at him a moment later, slightly torn. Roman stared at the piece of paper for a moment, chest hitching, before catching himself.

_I’m crying in the hallway again! I’m being manipulative and abusive again! **Oh god!!**_

By the third day, he was desperate.

He knocked on the yellow door. “Janus? Janus, please, I’m not as emotional anymore. Can we talk please?”

Five minutes passed.

“Janus?”

“Roman?”

Roman whipped around and pressed himself against the yellow door, wincing as it jostled his injuries and terrified of Virgil hurting him again.

_Please no, please don’t hurt me._

Virgil was frowning at him. “What’s going on?”

Roman swallowed compulsively, knowing that if he was swallowing he couldn’t make a sound. Virgil took a step forward, and Roman curled into the door, arms coming up to protect his face and one side of his body facing Virgil.

Virgil raised his hands and took several steps backward. “Dude, what the fuck? I’m not going to… Jesus _Christ_ , do you think I’m going to _hit_ you?”

Roman chanced a glance over to Virgil. He looked hurt, confused.

“B-but… you h-have.”

Virgil reared back, horrified. “No I haven’t! What the fuck?!” Virgil paused, closed his eyes, and breathed. He looked back up at Roman. “I… didn’t believe Janus, what he said about you. At least, I guess I didn’t want to believe.” Virgil laughed humorlessly to himself, eyes growing shiny. “But you’re doing it. You’re acting like… _fuck_ , like I’m going to _hurt_ you.” Virgil steeled his gaze. “I’ll work with you, for the sake of Thomas, but we will _never_ be friends,” he declared, voice shaking on the last part.

Roman started silently crying and nodded, understanding. _Perfectly reasonable. He has every right to hit me, but he didn’t._

Virgil's face broke right before he turned and walked back to his room. Roman slapped a hand over his mouth and sank out to his room, sitting down at his desk, still crying. He’d been diligent in his work, but he knew he had to keep it up.

_It’s the least I owe them._


	11. Chapter 11

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> You know the drill.
> 
> His name is Bill! :D
> 
> In all seriousness, here are the tw's for this chapter: anorexia nervosa and anorexia athletica, internalized fatphobia, negative self-talk, emotional manipulation, verbal abuse, guilt-tripping, physical injury and exhaustion all play a role throughout. Right at the beginning, there are suicidal thoughts, and the beginning continues the silent treatment from last chapter. There is also forced undressing, forced restraints, caning, dissociation, vomiting, and sexual abuse in the second half of the chapter.

Roman was a wreck. He’d been grieving the loss of his famILY, completely isolated, and running himself into the ground working out and being Creativity for Thomas without access to the Imagination. The pain of loss never seemed to dull, and his work was suffering for it. He’d lost his entire family, people he should have lost far earlier because of how awful he’d been to them.

_And all because of how abusive I’ve been to them. I don’t deserve the gift of life._

Another thing that killed him was the silent treatment from Janus. The others would at least acknowledge him, but the few times he’d managed to see Janus the past week, Janus had acted like he hadn’t heard Roman. And when that rejection and unspoken judgment made him break down, he’d only remember to sink out to his room when another Side would come by to see what was going on. Roman would panic, ashamed that he was being manipulative again ( _can’t even realize when I’m doing it, I’m so broken_ ), and sink out to his room as fast as he could go, resuming his breakdown at Janus’ silent treatment later, only to be reminded of how very much he’d lost.

Roman was dizzy, only eating a few granola bars per day and cursing the calories. He knew that most people didn’t see the calories glue onto their body right after eating them, but Roman knew his body and knew that he could see a difference in the fat on his stomach, thighs, and arms after he’d eat. He aimed to quadruple the amount of calories expended in exercise compared to the calories he was consuming. Thomas had been feeling worse and worse about his body, and Roman knew it was his fault for being too insecure.

_If I don’t get better, Thomas will still feel awful about himself and it will be my fault._

Roman kept up his beauty routine as much as he could, but his motivation to do anything besides work was dwindling.

In the middle of a creative burst, four demanding knocks sounded at his door. Roman jumped, his frighteningly deep Ego bruises protesting. Four more loud knocks sounded at the door, and Roman ran to answer. He threw open the door, and Janus strode in, shouldering Roman out of the way, who had to catch himself on the door.

“Close the door.”

Roman quickly obeyed, closing the door and making sure it latched. Janus was looking up at the ceiling. Roman fidgeted in place, not wanting to interrupt Janus.

Finally, after a minute of silence, Janus spoke. “I am willing to continue our relationship, but I need a few things in place to make sure you don’t keep violating my boundaries.”

Roman felt like he’d been slapped. “Of course, whatever you want.”

Janus’ lips quirked. “I’m very happy to hear that. First, I would like to say that we seem to be making some headway in regards to your behavior. The activities you wanted to try - vulnerability, corporal punishment - do seem to have a very positive impact on your behavior. We need to continue those, as those seem to be our best bet so far.”

Roman felt sick. “I agree.”

“Good. Next, we need to address your collection of events. Do you agree or disagree that you need a source outside yourself to make sure you’re not twisting your own memories to justify your victim complex?”

Roman squeezed his eyes shut. “I agree,” he whispered, the backs of his legs bruising.

“Good. Roman, your work this past week has been excellent. I think that if we continue taking these steps, you might be able to be good.”

Roman whipped his head up so quickly he almost got whiplash. “Really?”

Janus smiled, and brushed the backs of his gloved fingers over Roman’s face. Roman forced himself to stay still. “Yes. Now, come, we have much work to catch up on.”

Janus sinks out, and Roman sinks out to the theatre, hoping that’s where Janus was going. He was relieved when Janus appeared in the theatre next to him.

“I think we _have_ to start with how you’ve hurt your brother and the Light Sides.”

Roman’s chest began jumping with muted sobs.

“You hurt everyone who you love, and anyone who makes the mistake of loving you. It’s past time to unlearn those behaviors, don’t you think?”

Roman nodded quickly, tears escaping him. _I love you all so much. I’ve hurt you all so much. I am **so sorry.** I love you all. I hope I can someday make it up to all of you._

Janus produced a notebook from his capelet and summoned a comfortable-looking chair for him to sit in. Roman looked around and didn’t see a chair for himself, so he stood. Over the next two hours, the went over everything Roman had done to hurt Thomas and the Sides over the past week, with Janus requiring Roman to analyze each instance until he said what Janus wanted him to say. If he shifted in his spot, Janus would send him a silent glare. Roman’s feet hurt and the lights were too hot and too bright and his back hurt and he had Ego bruises on top of Ego bruises, and he just wanted to drink some water and take a cold shower and sleep.

Janus snapped his notebook closed. “That will suffice for now I suppose. Are you ready to move on to corporal punishment like you agreed?”

Roman locked his knees so they wouldn’t give out. “I-I would, but-”

“Are you about to make an excuse?” Janus hissed.

“N-no! I’ll-” Roman saw the look on Janus’ face. _I am so close to losing everything._ “I’ll do it.”

“Good.” Janus snapped his fingers, and Roman was unclothed and bound once more.

“We have some catching up to do, but I want to hurt you as little as possible, even if it is therapeutic.”

Roman let himself sag, his feet too inflamed to tolerate standing any longer than they had to. “Thank you Janus.”

“But of course.” Janus paused, and pinched some skin on Roman’s stomach between his fingers. He was pinching a bruise, which made Roman squirm. Janus frowned and grunted.

“What is it?”

“Oh, nothing,” Janus sing-songed as he moved to Roman’s back and landed the first blow. Roman cried out and arched his back away, bruises from the last time still very much there, but Janus didn’t let up, taking his time between strikes, making it impossible for Roman to guess when the next one was coming. By the end, Roman’s muscles were twitching sporadically, his face a mess again. Janus snapped immediately after he landed the last cane strike, and the ropes holding Roman up fell, releasing him. Roman closed his mouth against a scream while Janus tapped the end of his staff in front of Roman’s face, who flinched.

“Let’s go back to your room, you need something grounding after that, don’t you think?” Janus’ tone became harder and angrier near the end.

“Yes Janus.”

“Hm.” Janus sank out, and Roman followed him, making sure he’d rise up next to his bed. Once there, he practically fell on it, moving to go underneath the blankets.

Janus tilted his head thoughtfully while staring at Roman’s covered body. “Just to make up for the progress we’ve lost over the week, why don’t you just have a sheet covering you? That will _surely_ help.”

Roman used his weakened magic to push all of the blankets away. Janus summoned his cushioned chair again and sat down next to Roman, caressing his torso, arms, and face.

Janus huffed and smirked, a relaxed expression on his face. “Hey.”

Roman smiled back through his tears. “Hey yourself.”

Janus chuckled quietly before shifting his gaze to Roman’s chest and slowly downwards. Roman wanted nothing more than to cover himself. The sheet did little to hide everything.

“I know you’ve been playing in the Imagination.”

Roman startled. “What?!”

Janus sighed. “The bruises. I can tell they’re from combat.”

“Those are Ego bruises, not combat bruises!”

“Do _not_ yell at me,” Janus hissed. “And are you questioning my knowledge of events over your own? I know how to make basic deductions,” he gripped Roman’s hair harshly and tilted his head backwards at an uncomfortable angle. “unlike _you_.”

_It must look terribly like combat bruises, but I was **there** when I got these bruises!_

“And the door to your Imagination is unlocked.”

Janus released Roman’s hair. Roman looked at the door to the Imagination and sure enough, the door was cracked slightly open.

_I didn’t unlock that! I haven’t been back to my kingdom, and I miss them all terribly!_

“That’s evidence, Roman,” Janus said gently. “Evidence against your recollection of events, which as we already know, is shoddy at best.”

Roman looked into Janus’ eyes. “But I don’t remember…”

Janus cupped Roman’s face and rested his forehead against Roman’s. “That’s okay. We’ll get there. You need me. You can’t do this by yourself. Thus far, trying to be good by yourself has caused you to _only_ be a source of pain to the ones you claim to love. I will help you, but you must respect my boundaries.”

Roman started crying. Janus placed a painfully slow kiss to Roman’s cheek, too close to his mouth for Roman’s comfort, then stood and left.

Roman waiting until he was sure Janus was gone, then pulled his blankets up and curled into them, shivering and silently letting tears flow. He was too weak to summon clothes on himself, so he tried to not feel to naked, vulnerable, helpless, _powerless_ , underneath the blankets. It didn’t work.

_I’m no hero._

/////

Roman was hunched over his desk, the back of the chair too painful to lean against. It made his neck and back ache, but he couldn’t focus on that, he _had_ to be good for Thomas. Janus would have Roman be naked under the sheets daily to help him “stay in line”, and Roman accepted being hit when he stepped out of line. Janus kept the canings to two or three times per week, which Roman was grateful for. They continued their near-daily meetings of Roman’s performance.

He was confused; not only could he never remember asking for the sessions that Janus said he did, and Janus would critique his body without saying anything, but _surely_ Roman was just misinterpreting things, right?

_Janus wouldn’t be cruel to me, despite my cruelty to others._

Roman’s eyes pricked with tears; he felt like he’d become largely numb over the past several weeks to his excommunication from the rest of the Sides. Janus assured Roman he’d been telling the other Sides about his progress, but Roman still couldn’t stop missing them. The only places he went were the theatre and his room, relying on Janus to bring him the meager food he was allowed to eat. He was concerned about the loss of muscle, but figured he could always build muscle back up if it meant his body would _finally_ get rid of the excess fat.

_I do miss my strength._

Janus claimed Roman was getting better, but Roman noticed that Janus would be more and more frustrated with him as time went on. He shuddered as he remembered the week of silent treatment from Janus.

_If that happens again, I’ll surely lose him for good._

Roman battled nausea as he considered losing the one person in the world who still cared about him.

“Roman.”

Roman jumped, clamping his mouth shut against the cries of pain so he wouldn’t manipulate Janus by accident. He turned and offered a small smile; Janus had informed him that his wide smiles were passive-aggressive.

“Greetings Janus.”

“Hi. Theatre, _now._ ”

Roman’s mind raced as he sank out with Janus. _What did I do? Why is he mad at me? What did I do wrong? I thought I was being g- better!_

As soon as Roman rose up in the theatre, Janus waved his hand and bound Roman without a word. Another wave of his hand had Roman’s clothes come off. He knew he was making things up when he saw a smirk on Janus’ face for a fleeting moment.

_I’m just trying to make him the bad guy again so I don’t have to be the bad guy._

Janus began beating him almost immediately, not giving time between strikes like he usually would. Roman couldn’t _breathe_ , his body wouldn’t take in air, he could feel the pain shutting everything down.

He distantly realized there were far more than 5 strikes.

The last crack of wood against skin echoed in the spacious room, Roman aware of how much his shoulders were straining. Roman floated in the silence, vision unfocused, until the ropes moved and he was slammed onto his back on the hardwood floor of the stage. He gasped, vision greying out.

Janus knelt down next to him. “I think we need something more… _direct_ than what we have been doing. But I need your permission first. Do I have your permission to proceed?”

Roman had no idea what he was talking about, but he’d already let down his friend, the only one who still loved him, had driven him to losing his temper countless times…

“Yes.”

“Do you understand what you’re agreeing to?” Janus asked.

 _No, I have no idea what’s going on!_ “Yes.”

“Excellent. I agree with you, you need something more direct.” Janus started by stroking Roman’s arms, then shoulders, slowly moving down to his chest. Roman couldn’t help but squirm in discomfort.

“Stop moving,” Janus said shortly.

Roman stilled, breath catching in his throat. Janus was very gentle, just brushing along Roman’s chest, trailing fingers down his slightly ticklish stomach, tracing his hips. Roman was barely able to hold still at that, but when Janus touched the sides of his glutes Roman could stop the instinctual flinch _away._

Janus glared at him. “At least _try_ to take this seriously. This will only work if you exercise _some_ self-control. I know you’re not used to that, but do try.”

Roman whimpered, but stilled. He floated up in the air, halfway between the ceiling and the stage, and stared off into nothing. Janus resumed his touching, pleased with the lack of movement from Roman, and finally settled a hand on Roman’s lower abdomen. Roman came back into his body and stared into the smiling eyes of Janus.

After a minute of Janus silently holding his hand there, he removed it and snapped away the ropes. “Very good job today Roman, I’m hopeful that you’ll be able to continue your progress and stop stalling. I think this exercise helps you meditate, which is great for working on problematic behaviors and for focusing! Don’t you feel like you meditated?”

Roman searched himself. _I can’t think, I don’t know what’s going on. I can’t think, does that mean that I meditated? I **feel** different, maybe that means it worked?_ “Yes.”

Janus stood, and sank out, leaving Roman on the floor. He sat up and brought his knees up to his chest, burying his face in them before sinking out to his room. He pressed himself in a corner of his room, and wept.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Do remember that this story will continue to get darker and more explicit for a little while longer, but there _is_ a happy ending.


	12. Chapter 12

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter begins with implied sexual abuse, forced restraints, forced undressing, caning, a friend cutting another friend off because of someone else's meddling, suicidal thoughts, and silent treatment. Plus, we'll have the usual tw's as the previous chapters, as well as suicidal thoughts and fainting in the second half of the chapter. Remember our usual cast of tw's? Assume each chapter going forward has those in there too, I'll mention it when that stops happening, but just to be safe and to help make sure I don't miss anything, assume that for the rest of the chapters until I make a note in here saying otherwise.
> 
> About halfway through the chapter, there is more sexual abuse in the form of a nonconsensual blow job. It's not terribly graphic, but it does show immediately before and immediately after.

A week later, after another one of his meetings with Janus, Roman was too weak to sink out to his room. He pulled his clothes on, face red from crying and shame, hair mussed, and body screaming, and limped over to the hallway, hugging himself and shivering. He closed his eyes against the lights, wanting nothing more than to shower, scrub his skin off, and sleep for a few days.

“Roman?”

Roman startled at the deep, slightly raspy voice. Virgil was staring at him in concern, a ring of purple around his irises.

_Be careful._

“Hello Virgil,” Roman said, careful to be quiet.

Virgil looked him up and down, frown deepening. “Dude, are you okay? You look sick. We haven’t seen you. Have you been crying?!”

Roman recalled every moment of his alienation from his loved ones, recalling everything he’s done to hurt them. He felt full-force how very much he missed them. His throat closed up, tears springing to his eyes.

Virgil saw the shininess in Roman’s eyes and raised his hands. “Hey, it’s okay. We m- we’ve been wondering where you’ve been.”

Roman cleared his throat. “I thought you didn’t want anything to do with me after I’d hurt you all so much.”

Virgil sighed and shoved his hands into his hoodie pockets. “I mean yeah, once Janus told us everything it hurt, and I know I said I only wanted to work with you because I was pissed, but I don’t know if Janus was telling the whole truth.”

Roman’s brain ground to a halt. _Virgil is accusing Janus of lying?! After all he’s done for me, how virtuous he’s been to me?! How **dare** he!!_

“-and Patton and Logan have been missing you, and you know Remus wouldn’t say it but he’s been acting-”

“ _Silence, Count Woeloff._ ”

Virgil flinched and looked up at Roman with wide eyes. Roman felt anger boiling in his gut.

“How dare you speak of Janus in such a way! He’s been _nothing_ but generous and kind! As opposed to _you_ ,” Roman sneered, pain from the loss of his famILY rising up. “who left me alone! You all did! I-” Roman cut off with a sob.

“Yeah, well, maybe if you hadn’t been gossiping about us to Janus and making _fun_ of us, I wouldn’t be so fucking pissed!!”

Roman reared back, wind taken out of his sails. “I said that?” he asked.

Virgil paused. “Janus said you did.”

_Stupid! Stupid idiot, making Janus out to be the villain! **Useless, I should kill myself-**_

“Of course, yes, now I remember! And,” Roman looked into Virgil’s eyes. _Pretending to care, just to learn more, he doesn’t mean it, he doesn’t care!!_ “I meant every word of it! Janus simply has a much better memory than I.”

Virgil watched Roman dubiously. “If you’re sure…”

“I am!”

Virgil hesitated. “All right, just… if you need anything or if something’s going on, tell one of us yeah? We’re here to help you.”

Roman scoffed, then deflated, tears breaking free. “I will. But I must be off, Thomas needs me!” Roman speedwalked as fast as his injured body would carry him to his room, and sat heavily in his chair. He rested his head in his arms and wailed, the pain of missing his famILY brand new and too much.

_Kill yourself, kill yourself, **you have to kill yourself!!**_

_No!! Thomas needs me!_

_And that’s the only reason you’re still around. Get to fucking work._

Roman lifted his head slowly, heavily, and picked up his pen clumsily.

_I can do this, this I can do properly at least. Thank you, Janus._

/////

Roman studied his appearance in the mirror, stomach roiling. He was happy that his was thinner, but he _still_ wasn’t trim. He rolled loose skin between his fingers.

_Still so much fat. But how?!_

He reflected on the past few weeks.

 _I’ve been good, but Janus **did** bring me half a bagel that one time. Could that be it?_ Roman’s vision blurred. _I haven’t been good enough for him. I start out okay, and then I just **fail** again! Janus shouldn’t spend time on me, I’m too much. And I’m still frustrating him!!_

Roman’s hands balled into fists. _He’s been getting more and more haggard, and it’s because of me!_

“Hello Rom- _oh my!_ ”

Roman spun around to see Janus shielding his eyes. Roman quickly threw on the bathrobe nearby.

“Roman! You can’t just do that! You _know_ the times I’m likely to come into your room, you can’t _do_ that to people!!”

“I’m sorry! I didn’t know!”

“LIAR. You know my times!!”

 _I do?!_ “I’m sorry, I lost track of time.”

Janus snarled at him. “Changing your excuses? I don’t want to see your… _body_. Eugh! You’re the one who keeps insisting I do! One would think you’re interested in me!”

“I-”

“Hush, let’s just go to the theatre.”

Janus sank out rapidly, and Roman rushed to pull on his clothes and sink out. He was met with Janus impatiently tapping his foot, eyes flashing yellow on and off.

_Oh no, what did I do?!_

“Once again, you’ve managed to bring out my temper. Congratulations,” Janus clapped mockingly.

Roman was going over the recent history he could remember in his mind before Janus graped his hair, knocking his bowler hat off his head. Roman went to pick it up, but it disappeared right before he could grab it, causing several of his fingers to get jammed against the stage. He muffled his yell and cradled his hands against his chest.

Janus looked down at Roman. “These sessions do seem to be benefiting you, but they hurt me, far more than any pain _you_ could experience.” He sighed and looked away. “And you’ve noticed how stressed they’re making me, I’m sure you have. I’m sorry Roman, I need to find a way to wind down before we can continue these sessions. It’s for my mental health.”

Roman felt like he was drowning. “Of _course_ your mental health is important! May I still see you?” He cursed his voice for breaking on the last word. _No! Stop being manipulative!_

Janus turned away from Roman, hiding his smile. “I suppose, if you promise not to be more of a drain than you already are.”

“I promise!!”

“Volume. And very well.” Janus sank out quickly.

Roman was struck with vertigo. _I don’t understand, everything is going opposite to how I expect it to go, I can’t stop failing, Janus needs help._ He felt a spark of hope. _I’m Creativity! I may be a miserable, useless excuse of one, but still! Perhaps I can help him brainstorm some ideas to help! Like he’s done for me! I have to stop hurting him, I’ve been hurting him. I have to do whatever he needs, I owe it to him._

Roman sank out to his room first, checking to see if Janus was there, before sinking out to Janus’ room, magic being rapidly depleted.

Janus was standing in the middle of his room, breathing loudly through his nose. Roman knocked on the desk so as to not startle Janus.

Janus looked at him with wide eyes. “Oh, Roman! My apologies, I didn’t expect you so soon.”

_You fuck up, do what he wants._

“No apologies needed of course. I was wondering if there was anything I could do to help? Perhaps we could brainstorm ideas together for relaxation methods?”

Janus huffed out a laugh. “I will admit, I’ve been a little… pent up, as of late. That’s what I was working on dealing with just now, but for the past month I’ve encountered difficulties in finding release.”

 _God, how much have I stressed him out?!_ “I’m so sorry Janus. Um, what have you tried to help the building stress?”

Janus’s scaled cheek turned slightly red. “Ah, the usual, I suppose. It’s something one usually takes care of by oneself, though since I’ve been helping you, that’s no longer effective.”

_Get your head out of the gutter Roman, you sick, twisted-_

“I… I don’t understand what you’re referring to? I know helping me has been hurting you!” Roman rushed to add. “But I’m not sure what one usually takes care of by oneself? What are you referring to? Perhaps I could help! Maybe trying with another person can work!”

Janus looked away. “No, I couldn’t _possibly_ ask you to help with _this._ You know what I’m talking about.”

_It’s your fault that he’s going through whatever he’s going through, **fix it. It is the literal least you can do.**_

“Please Janus? I want to!” Roman started walking slowly towards Janus. When he got to Janus’ side, he saw the tent in his clothing.

Janus looked Roman in the eyes, inches apart. “I _have_ noticed how you look at me, your insistence on being unclothed around me _certainly_ makes sense that you’d want to help with this.” Janus smiled, relief in his face. “You want to?” he asked quietly, hope shining in his eyes and through his voice.

_You’ve made him unable to climax for a MONTH, at least TRY to get him off! You **HAVE TO TRY!!**_

Roman’s stomach lurched and he felt dizzy, like his head was a balloon that was tied to a string. _I don’t want to, I don’t want to, **I don’t want this…**_

_I have to._

He smiled, a timid, small smile, the most he could muster. “Yes, Janus. I do.”

Janus cupped Roman’s face. “Such a romantic.” He used his other hand to start undoing his belt. “This is strictly physical, yes? Not sexual, just a physical release of pent-up stress. We’re not in a _romantic_ relationship.”

Roman nodded and dropped his head to hide his tears. _**I don’t want this, no PLEASE, SOMEONE!!**_ He couldn’t stop it himself, but if someone else walked in they’d stop it, _he_ just couldn’t stop it. He couldn’t, he had no control over the situation, no choice.

“Kneel.”

Roman hesitated, then slowly obeyed.

_It’s the least I owe him._

_I have to try._

_**I don’t want this!!!** _

Roman swallowed down his cries.

_I have to try._

/////

“Stop being so dramatic, just swallow like a _normal_ person,” Janus said casually as he finished fixing his clothing, eyes trained on his belt buckle.

_**No, GOD I don’t want to!!** _

Roman obeyed, despite every fiber of his being protesting. He felt feverish, his muscles felt like they were constantly trembling, his entire body wanted to explode outward to _get away_.

He had a moment’s notice before he turned on his knees and threw up into a garbage can by Janus’ desk.

“Ugh, that is _disgusting!!_ What the fuck is _wrong_ with you?!” Janus shrieked.

Roman began sobbing then, resting his head on the rim of the garbage can. _Can’t do anything right, can’t do anything right, **can’t even do this right, can’t do anything right, kill yourself you useless bitch…**_

Janus sighed. “I suppose I shouldn’t be surprised that you can’t maintain basic decency while doing something you’re not entirely used to. Try not to vomit on my personal possessions next time hm? And Roman,” Roman looked up, still crying, broken. “I think we may have finally found something you're useful for. You were good at that, up until you threw up in my belongings. Use your magic to clean that up, we have a meeting with the other Sides to get to."

"W-what?"

"A meeting," Janus said slowly, mockingly drawing out every syllable. "with the other Sides. It will be starting soon. Pull yourself together, I’ve been reminding you daily for a week and a half now.”

 _My mind is useless, I can’t remember anything._ Roman tried swallowing the disgusting taste of bile and things he didn’t want to think about, but that just made him dry heave. He jumped when a warm hand was placed on the back of his neck.

“Once you’re finished with your magic, why do you clean up in my bathroom? I have some mouthwash you can use,” Janus offered gently.

Roman looked up at Janus. “ _Thank you_ , Janus.”

Janus shrugged and started moving things around on his desk. Roman closed his eyes, summoned his remaining energy, and snapped the trash can clean. He fell against the side of the desk, nearly passing out. He was jolted awake by a kick to his back, right on one of the bruises from his most recent session with Janus. Roman let out part of a cry before he was able to stop himself.

“I know you’re lazy and fat, but _try_ not to fall asleep after every minor exertion.”

Roman shakily went to his hands and knees, then used the desk to pull himself up, drawing on his reserves of determination.

_Bathroom, mouthwash, water._

Roman leaned against the wall to help get to the counter, then quickly rinsed out his mouth with water. He eagerly used more than the recommended amount of mouthwash, _desperate_ to get the foul taste out of his mouth.

“You know Roman,” Janus said quietly, leaning against the doorframe of the bathroom. “I’m glad you suggested that, despite how crudely you begged for it. A physical release is just what I need. Thank you for volunteering to continue doing that.”

 _I offered to **keep** doing **that?!**_ Roman spat out the mouthwash and rinsed the sink. He blew his nose with some toilet paper and flushed it. He could still taste what he wanted so badly to forget.

“Come now, they’re waiting. You’ve made me late.”

Roman couldn’t stop from hugging himself. He felt constantly cold nowadays, but now he felt like he was shivering for a different reason. He tried closing his eyes against the memory of what just happened, but that only made the sensations stronger. He had to keep from gagging as he felt Janus _on_ his tongue.

He opened his eyes, but couldn’t overcome his shame enough to meet Janus’. “I’m sorry Janus, I’ll do better,” he said quietly.

He missed the grin on Janus’ face. “I know you will. Come now. And stop looking so pitiful, you’re not a victim, you’re the villain here.”

Roman dropped his arms but kept his gaze on the ground. He followed Janus by watching his feet. As they got to the bottom of the stairs, a conversation Roman only barely recognized was happening stopped. Janus guided Roman to a chair and went to sit with the other Sides, who were all facing him. Roman hunched over and wrapped his arms around himself, for comfort and to hide his stomach, staring at the ground, unable to meet anyone’s eyes, certainly not his brother’s.

Patton was the first to speak. “Roman, sweetheart,” he paused when Roman turned his head. “We know Janus has been working with you. Gossiping isn’t okay. It’s really hurtful.”

 _I still don’t remember, what is **wrong** with me?_ “I am so deeply sorry. Janus has indeed been working with me, and I’ve been getting better.”

“He has!” Janus confirmed. “He’s made quite a lot of progress.”

“That’s good. Do you really think those things about us?” Patton asked, voice wavering.

 _I must have said really horrible things!_ “No, of course not!”

“Roman, you must know better than to lie when Deceit is here,” Janus cooed. Roman looked up just in time to see Janus wrap an arm around Patton’s shoulder.

_No, not Patton!!_

“Please, I’m telling the truth!”

“Yelling at the people you hurt? Roman, we’ve been over this, stop trying to intimidate them.”

Roman started hyperventilating. “I’m sorry, I’m not trying to, but I truly think highly of all of you! I lo-” his voice cut out as he buried his face in his hands and wept. The only sound in the room for several long moments was Roman’s crying.

“I think he’s telling the truth Jan!” Remus said.

“Perhaps you’re right,” Janus conceded. Roman heard the edge of anger in his voice.

"Hug it out bro!" Roman yelped as strong arms wrapped around his torso and lifted him into a tight hug. The pain, stress, and sudden change in posture had Roman seeing stars. He only could hear Remus calling for him, then his world went blessedly black.


	13. Chapter 13

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hello again! In the beginning through the first third, we have a character scared of being sexually assaulted. That section is followed by sexual abuse, forced undressing, and forced restraint, which is then followed by explicit physical abuse. Immediately after that is a near suicide attempt. He gets very, very close to attempting, and that scene is graphic. Right after that is a slightly more graphic instance of a nonconsensual blow job. The rest of the chapter has forced restraints, implied physical and sexual abuse, and dissociation.

Roman whimpered at the pain in his back and head. He felt sick, everything hurt, and he felt strangely emotional, his overwhelmed brain not sure why. He allowed himself to cry, knowing he was alone in his room.

“Shhhhhh honey, it’s okay, you’re okay Roman. You just fainted, it’s okay, we’ve got you.”

Roman’s eyes slammed open to see Patton kneeling over him and everyone else surrounding him. Roman could feel heat and a weight in his mouth, could taste everything, his mind screaming _I don’t want this **I don’t want this, NO PLEASE, NOT THEM TOO!!**_

 _“NO!!”_ Roman pushed himself backwards, muscles weak and hands slipping occasionally on the smooth wood floor until he’d backed up against the stairs.

Patton held his arm out, keeping Remus from going to Roman. “It’s okay Roman! We’re not going to hurt you!”

Roman was shaking, eyes darting between the many Sides facing him. Janus was staring into Roman’s eyes, unblinking and furious. Everyone else’s eyes were glowing their respective colors, watching Roman for his next move.

Logan’s typically-neutral face was drawn with worry and sadness. “We are not going to harm you Roman. Why did you think we would?”

_**YOU USELESS MORON, YOU’RE MANIPULATING THEM AGAIN, YOU’RE HURTING THEM, YOU’RE GUILTING THEM.** _

Roman sucked in a breath, attempting to steady his voice. “I had a bad dream, I’m sorry for hurting you.”

“No sweetpea, you don’t need to apologize! We were just worried for you!” Patton frowned. “Are you okay? You look like you’ve lost some weight.”

Roman felt a fleeting moment of happiness. “Thank you for noticing!”

“You’re a skinny fuck!”

Virgil flinched at the sudden shout. “I think what Patton meant is if you’re eating enough?”

 _I’m eating more than I need to because I can’t control myself, they’ve noticed!_ “I most definitely am! I’m not a prince anymore, but I hope to build my muscles back up so I can help!”

Roman saw Virgil messing with the zippers on his sleeves.

“Okay, just uh, let us know if something’s going on?”

“I’ll keep an eye on him,” Janus interjected before Roman could say anything. “Roman, why did you faint?”

Roman scrambled for an acceptable answer. _I can't give them the wrong idea and make Janus look like a villain again!_ "I'm very sorry for my behavior, I didn't sleep well last night."

"Roman, we talked about this. Staying up too late in the night to play in the Imagination is bad for Thomas."

Roman couldn't hold it in any longer. "I wasn't _playing_ in the Imagination," he snapped.

Janus leaned his head back, eyebrows raised. "My apologies," he said simply, staring evenly at Roman.

_Oh no, I've been rude! To **Janus** , if all people!_

"Sweetie, why don't you go rest upstairs for a bit? Can I bring you some soup later?”

Roman felt his heart tie into painful knots in his chest. _He’s only feeling bad and pretending to care about me because I manipulated him by being weak._ “That’s okay padre, you don’t have to.”

Roman was confused when Patton’s face fell. “If you’re sure…”

“I am.” _Can’t leave any room for argument or ambiguity. No, I will **not** manipulate the puffball!_

“Okay honey,” Patton said sadly. “Let me know if you change your mind. I love taking care of my kiddos!”

_Fuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuck-_

“I’ll make sure he gets enough, don’t worry,” Janus reassured, resting a hand on Patton’s shoulder. Roman felt an odd compulsion to separate Patton and Janus.

“Roman, if I may, fainting is a rather concerning result of illness,” Logan started walking towards Roman. “May I take your temperature and examine you?”

All Roman could see was another man swiftly approaching him, standing, with Roman on the ground. His vision tunneled with his spike of fear. “No, please…” he whimpered quietly.

 _I don’t want **anyone** to touch me._ Roman felt more tears escape his eyes in fast-moving rivers. _But I want a hug so bad._

Janus came over quickly, and Roman closed his eyes to help him not flinch.

He knelt down next to Roman, placed one hand on Roman’s knee, and draped the other arm over his shoulders. “I’ll get Roman settled into bed, I’ll let you know if he feels up to soup later. Thank you Patton.”

Roman felt his world spin as he was forced to sink out, and was surprised when they landed in the theatre instead of his room. Roman turned to ask Janus why, why he was backhanded.

Roman fell to the ground, cupping his face and curling his legs up protectively. Janus hissed and snapped his fingers, unclothing Roman and summoning ropes to bind him. Roman struggled weakly when he realized he was standing up.

The first crack against his back took out all of the fight he’d had. Janus struck him 10 more times for good measure, then used the ropes to slam the gasping Side onto his back on the stage.

“You hurt the others _so much_ , and on your first interaction with them since your banishment! You manipulative, _useless_ \- I suppose not necessarily true anymore, but _god_ Roman. Can you stop being your awful self and hurting everyone around you for five minutes?!”

Janus knelt next to Roman, staring once again at Roman’s crotch. Roman felt like screaming no, but he knew he couldn’t. He jumped when Janus started rubbing long strokes up and down Roman’s body.

“You need to calm down, and this helps you calm down, doesn’t it? Your mind seems so much less frantic afterwards. It sounds like you had a _terrible_ dream.” Janus scoffed. “Although you _were_ hurting the others even before you pretended to faint to get out of being confronted. And _then_ you hurt me and insulted me _several_ times. I don’t know what to do with you, but let’s see if this helps.”

Roman stared up at the ceiling, tears silently leaking out of his eyes, for what felt like an eternity before Janus stopped and banished the ropes.

“You’re so… _difficult_ to be around. I’m not sure it’s worth it. Come on.” Janus extended his hand. Roman took it, and he had to rush to sink out with Janus.

Janus helped him to his feet once they were in Roman’s room, then shoved him to the floor. Roman, still nude, looked up at Janus in question. Janus responded by harshly kicking Roman’s abdomen four times before kicking him in the center of the chest.

“Thomas needs you today, but you’re too _weak_ and refuse to be responsible, so sleep until you feel better I guess,” Janus spat as Roman spit up bile and dry-heaved. “I’ll be considering whether I can manage the stress of dealing with you.”

Janus sank out, leaving Roman alone. He curled up once he was able to catch his breath and began to bawl.

_I see my loved ones for the first time in weeks because I’d hurt them, and then I manipulate **and** hurt them **and** Janus again!! And Janus’ stress relief, I can’t… please no… I’ve lost them and him now!! It’s too late!!_

Roman crawled over to his bathtub, unable to find the will to stand. He grabbed a straight razor from his countertop, climbed inside the tub, and started the water. Roman hadn’t stopped crying.

_I can’t keep going. I’m alone, and it’s all my fault!! I’m alone, I’m alone, I’m alone…_

Once the water got up to his chest, he turned it off and placed the edge of the razor against his wrist.

 _No, I don't want to! I don't want to die!!_ Roman wailed as his heart tore in two and his arm fell to the side. _But I'm alone, I'll always be alone because there is no fixing me. I'm broken._

Roman pressed the razor against his skin again, ready to act until something Janus had said earlier came back to him.

_“I think we may have finally found something you're useful for. You were good at that."_

Roman paused. _Maybe if I do that again for him, he'll see that he can tolerate me. I'm so selfish, I hate myself, but I **can't** be alone, I'll die._

He scrubbed himself until his unbruised skin was bright red, then dried himself off and roughly combed his hair. His legs were shaking, but he managed to carry himself out of the bathroom.

_He was mad. I should wait, give him time to process. Then I'll offer._

Roman debated between his desk ave his bed, but realized he was too weak to work.

A lump formed in Roman's throat. _I'm so sorry Thomas. I love you. So much._

Roman crawled into bed and cried himself to sleep.

/////

Roman only drank water, exercised, and worked the next day until the evening. Everything he did reminded him of how much he'd lost, and it made the isolation that much worse. He took a few deep breaths, then sank into Janus' room.

Janus was sitting at his desk, the tip of his poem glowing yellow do brightly it covered his entire desk in light. He turned around, face neutral.

"What."

Roman flinched and looked down, almost losing his nerve. "You mentioned yesterday that we… found something that I'm good at? And if I make you stressed out, if I do that more, will that make me worth it?"

Janus smiled. "I was actually thinking the same thing, bravo Roman. Good for you for offering." He spun slightly in his chair and spread his legs slightly apart. "I could use some relief right now."

_If I don't do this, I'll be useless and alone. I don't want to die._

Roman felt the last of his dignity shrivel up, and walked over and knelt down.

/////

Janus shoved Roman's head away.

"That's enough, I already- you made a mess! Clean this up!”

Roman looked up at Janus desperately.

_Please don’t make me do this._

Janus stared right back, unflinching, a battle of wills. After a few seconds, Roman lowered his head back down and started cleaning Janus up. Janus shoved his head away again, fixed his clothes, and turned back to his desk.

“Good enough for today. Go back to work, Thomas needs you to make up for yesterday.”

Roman stayed kneeling where he was, staring at Janus. He hadn’t expected to be ignored like that. He thought he’d at least be able to hang out with Janus for a bit to soothe the ache in his heart.

Janus looked at him in irritation. “Go! We’ll meet later. Stop trying to manipulate me with your pathetic face.”

Roman tried sinking out, but his strength failed him. Not wanting to disturb Janus further, he stood without support from the desk and walked into the hallway, shutting Janus’ door as quietly as possible. He hugged himself and started trudging down the hallway to his room. He was both immensely grateful and heartbroken that he didn’t run into anyone on his journey back to his chambers.

Roman poured everything he had into being good for Thomas, and after several hours, Janus kept his promise and met with Roman for several hours. He was walking on sunshine after that; their meeting had been light-hearted, and Janus had been so attentive to Roman after the required touch therapy.

 _He didn’t even feel the need to beat me this time, only touch me!_ Roman forced down the sick feeling that thinking about the touch therapy brought as he began his workout.

/////

“Say Roman, are you a virgin?” Janus asked.

Roman was shivering and fighting the urge to retch as he usually did after one of his stress relief sessions with Janus.

 _My stomach will calm down after a few minutes, then I can spend time with him!_ “N-not anymore.”

Janus’ eyebrows raised. “Someone had sex with _you?!_ ”

Roman felt white-hot poker of shame stab through him. “I mean… what we’re doing-”

“That doesn’t count,” Janus said firmly.

It was Roman’s turn to look surprised. “It doesn’t?”

“I said that, didn’t I? _Try_ to keep up.”

Roman was trying to form a coherent thought. “But, we’re…”

“You’re helping me calm down by providing a physical release of tension,” Janus corrected. “God, this isn’t _sex_.”

The way he said it, Roman knew it was yet another thing he didn’t grasp. “You’re right, I’ll think better next time.”

“Glad to hear it. Shall we watch _Caligula?_ ”

The movie made Roman uncomfortable, but he was able to spend time with Janus! _I will **not** mess this up._

“That sounds wonderful!”

“Volume. And sit next to me, I have it set up already.”

Roman sat a few inches away from Janus, and Janus draped his arm over Roman’s shoulders, gripping one of them in his hand possessively.

_I’m getting a cuddle! I should feel grateful for this, why am I not grateful? Why doesn’t this feel good? I’ve wanted nothing but a hug or cuddles for… I don’t even remember, and now that I’m getting it I’m not happy?! Janus is right about me, they all are. I’ll never be happy._

The thought of the others cuddling him made him think of Patton. He could imagine Patton’s arm around him instead of Janus’, and suddenly he started feeling better.

_I can pretend he’s Patton. I hate myself. Why can’t I be happy when my closest friend touches me?! What is **wrong** with me?!_

The more Roman imagined Patton instead of Janus, the more he felt himself floating during the movie. The next thing he knew, he was in the theatre, going through one of Janus’ touch therapies.

“...I also quite enjoyed the physical effects. What did you think Roman?”

Roman tried to come back into his body enough to respond, but couldn’t.

“That’s alright, I’m glad you’re taking your meditation seriously. The pool scene was interesting, but not particularly my flavor…”

Roman floated again, vision turning to grey and a constant hum playing in his ears, until he found himself sitting at his desk. He had a blank notebook open in front of him.

_**This** , I can do. I know I can be good for Thomas this way._

As Thomas put the final touches on his first draft, Roman’s alarm to work out went off.

_It’s for the best, I need to work off the peanut butter I had yesterday._

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> That _staring match_ that happens sometimes... I don't see it depicted, but it's one of the worst things that chips away at you and makes you blame yourself. I wanted to show that in this fic.


	14. Chapter 14

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Be careful with this one. This one begins with a description of someone else describing grooming and implied sexual abuse to Thomas. Right after is forced restraints, forced undressing, graphic rape, a brief fight, and a character being scared of being sexually assaulted again.
> 
> As always, please tell me if I missed anything!! I do my best, but I'm only human.

Two more weeks passed by, and Roman found his appetite becoming less and less. His motivation and energy were decreasing as well, but he had ways to deal with that. He indulged himself by looking through Thomas’ eyes when an old elementary school friend came over.

“Therese! It’s so awesome to see you!” Thomas said as he hugged her. Roman closed his eyes and pretended he was being hugged by Thomas.

Therese pulled back. “It’s good to see you Thomas,” she said, smiling. “You said you have a lot of time right now?”

“I do! Can I get you anything? Food or drinks?”

Thomas got her some water, then joined her on the couch with his own glass.

“So Therese, you mentioned you wanted to talk to me about something?”

Therese looked down at the ground, smile falling. “Yeah, I do. And you don’t have to say if anything happened to you, I just wanted to tell you so in case it did, you didn’t feel as alone. We’re also building a court case.” She inhaled, exhaled, then began to relay a speech she had clearly practiced. Thomas’ stomach dropped. “Do you remember Mr. Thompson?”

“3rd grade math, yeah.” He was imaging all kinds of scenarios, each worse than the last.

Therese’s hands started shaking badly enough that she put her glass of water on the coffee table.

“He’d… I was having trouble in math, so he offered to tutor me for free after school. He was nice, my parents liked him, and free tutoring is a pretty good deal. It started out fine, but he started… getting closer.”

Thomas felt sick, and tried to convey his feelings as best he could through his face.

“He didn’t want to tutor me. He,” Therese paused and took a shuddering breath. “He would get closer and tell me he’s just trying to point something out, and then he said that him tutoring me was a lot on his plate, and he just kept making me so confused-” she cut herself off with a sharp inhale.

Once Thomas was sure that she wasn’t going to keep speaking, he did. “Therese… _oh my god, I am **SO** sorry!!_”

Therese dabbed at her tears with a Kleenex. “He kept talking about someone else he was “tutoring”, a boy, and we don’t know if it was just me or if there are a lot more, so we’re trying to go around and find,” she looked up at the ceiling. “anyone else he hurt like me.”

“It didn’t happen to me, I didn’t really talk to him that much,” Thomas rushed to reassure her.

“Thank God,” she exhaled as she let her head drop.

Thomas felt lost, and he could hear Patton muffling his tears in the corner. “Do you want a hug?”

Therese nodded, and Thomas wrapped her in the most gentle hug he could manage.

/////

Everyone in the Mindscape heard when Therese started talking, and everyone was reeling. Remus had shut himself away in his realm, Patton was helping Thomas, Logan was helping Virgil, and Roman was frozen in his chair.

_That poor girl. She was **eight!!**_ Roman shook with rage. _I would kill that cur of a teacher if given the chance._

Roman was thrust into the first time he and Janus met in the theatre, when he got just a little too close. His world melted, then showed flashes of Janus telling Roman _he_ was the villain for saying “no”. Roman re-experienced the last several months in just a few minutes as though it was happening all over again, and when he came back to, he was lying on the ground.

_Janus, he… No, no it **couldn’t** be…_

Roman felt a harsh summon from Janus. He sank out to the theatre automatically, on the same auto-pilot he’d been on for months.

The first thing he noticed was how tense Janus looked.

“Roman, I’m _sure_ I don’t need to tell you what you’ve done wrong today.”

Roman found his words stolen from him, completely unable to speak. Janus took a step forward.

Therese’s face flashed through Roman’s mind, and he took a step back.

Janus’ face twisted in fury. He snapped, and Roman was unclothed with ropes coming towards him. Roman struggled as much as he could, but he was soon laid flat on the ground.

Janus was next to him in an instant, touching Roman. “Thomas is going through a lot right now, at least _try_ to pretend you care about that. You’ve already consented to this. Do you consent to the next treatment?”

Roman stared up at Janus, fear and confusion swirling in his head. Janus grabbed him by the hair and slammed his head into the ground hard enough to see stars.

“I _said_ , do you consent to the next part?”

“Yes,” Roman replied automatically, dazed slightly. _No, I need a minute, I need a second, I need someone, help!!_

“Good,” Janus said breathily as he started undoing his belt and pants. Roman tried pulling at the ropes, sending his magic to them, but every aspect of him was too weak, too weak from neglect, too weak from giving everything he had to his work.

He was depleted.

_I don’t even have control **here** , in my theatre. What a failure of Creativity I am._

Roman’s self-deprecating thoughts screeched to a halt when Janus climbed in between his legs.

“No!” Roman shouted, trying fruitlessly to loosen his bonds in any way. “No! NO!!!”

“Shut _up_ , you consented to this,” Janus spat into his hand and lubed himself up, then used the remaining spit to loosen Roman up. He shoved two fingers in to the last knuckle.

Roman _screamed._ The pain had his vision whiting out, it felt like his entire lower half and abdomen were cramping to expel the intrusion. Roman felt like every inch of him was violated all the way down to his core.

_You’re so stupid, of **course** that was sex, if you’re this stupid you deserve to have this happen. It’s a good lesson, this’ll teach you._

Janus removed his fingers. “God, you’re so annoying. You’re very difficult to be around.” Janus shifted, then plunged in.

_Nonononono, please God, **anything but this!! NO, PLEASE!! NO!!!**_

Roman felt like the breath was punched out of him. Janus pushed in a few inches, pulled almost completely out, then pushed back in until he was fully seated. Roman was hyperventilating, gasping for air.

_I can’t be the Romantic Side anymore._

He found his breath after a few more thrusts, squeezing his eyes shut, trying to be _anywhere_ else.

“No, no, no, no, no…” he chanted, over and over again. “No, no, no, _please_ , no, stop, _please_ , _please_ …”

"You agreed to this, ah, and now you're changing your mind halfway through? Moving the goal posts is abusive you know. You still, ah, need some work, clearly."

"No, no, I don't want this, no, please, stop…"

Janus grunted and started moving faster. "Whatever, just shut up."

/////

Virgil’s heart was pounding. Logan had just left his room to go check on Remus, and Virgil’s anxiety was spiking _again_.

_It’s okay, nothing happened to Thomas, Patton is making sure Thomas helps Therese as much as possible… What the fuck is **new?!**_

Virgil sat with his anxiety for a moment before his eyes slammed open.

_Roman, something’s wrong with Roman._

Virgil vowed to sit Roman down and try to figure out what was going on with him, especially him and Janus. Something about Roman’s change - hell, _everything_ about Roman’s change felt wrong, and he needed to suck it up and figure out what it was.

_Some protector **you** are._

_Shut up._

He started by checking Roman’s room, and was surprised when the doors to the Imagination were locked with chains. He tried undoing it, but the chains wouldn’t budge.

_Okay, that’s weird._ He checked Janus’ room next, and also found it empty. Dread was filling him, but he forced himself to stay focused on finding Roman. The rest of the common areas were empty, and Logan and Patton’s doors were open so he knew he wasn’t in there.

_I should try the Mind Palace and the theatre next. Those are his creations, maybe he goes in there when he needs time to himself._

He looked through the echo-y Mind Palace first, then sank into the backstage of the theatre. His ears perked up when he heard grunting, movement, Roman crying-

_**FUCK!!!**_ Virgil sprinted towards the stage, and that’s when he made out what was being said.

“No, no, no, no, _please_ , stop, no…”

“Shut up, shut _up_! God…”

The sounds stopped, and Virgil leapt to the side of the stage, just in time to see Janus shudder and lean down.

Roman was tied down, naked, crying, bruised, and _bleeding_. Virgil was frozen in shock for a moment.

“Kiss me dammit! Stop being a disobedient little shit! You useless Side!” Janus hissed when Roman evaded him. Roman tilted his head to the side and threw up. Janus reared back in disgust, Roman flinched and cried out, and Virgil saw more blood, this time on Janus.

His eyes glowed purple.

Virgil screamed and made it across the stage in two bounds. He collided bodily with Janus, knocking them both off the stage. He felt a small amount of satisfaction when Janus broke his fall. He leaned up, and started beating the absolute _shit_ out of him.

_Fucking **RAPIST** , you hurt Roman, fuck you!! How dare you!! You will **NEVER** hurt anyone again!!_

Roman whimpered, and that made Virgil pause, realizing he’d spoken out loud. It was just long enough for Janus to sink out. Virgil snarled, then got himself more under control when Roman whimpered again and started weakly crying.

He locked Janus in his room, hopped up on the stage and winced. “God, Roman, fuck, I’m so sorry. I’m gonna get you out of here, okay?”

Roman started trying to push himself away, which only made more cries erupt from him. “No, Virgil _please_ no…”

Virgil winced at how hoarse his voice sounded, then almost puked at what Roman thought he was going to do. “I’m not going to hurt you, god, I _swear_ I’d never hurt you. I’m gonna get you out of these ropes, is that okay?” _Ask for permission._

“No, no, no, please, no, no more, I _can’t, please…_ ”

_Oh fuck, oh Roman, I’m so sorry._ “I won’t hurt you Roman, I promise.”

Roman just kept chanting, unseeing eyes fixed on the ceiling.

_Fuckfuckfuck, he’s not here right now, I need to get him help, he needs… **God,** he needs medical care._

“Roman, I’m gonna get these ropes off you, okay?” _I’m so fucking sorry buddy. I’ve gotta get you out of these ropes._

Virgil summoned a black and purple knife, and knelt next to Roman’s feet.

Roman panicked. “No, no, please Virgil!! No, _please!!!_ ”

Virgil couldn’t stop the tears that fell. “I’m just getting these ropes off you, I’m not going to hurt you.” _I have to get this over with. If I can’t…_ He cheered internally when the first rope was sliced through easily.

“V-Virgil?” Roman asked quietly, eyes wide. Virgil noticed they were still unfocused, but there was _something_ behind them.

“I’m just cutting off the ropes, I _swear_ ,” he said equally as quietly, trying to stay calm. _For Roman. I can stay calm for you._ He wanted to cheer when Roman nodded and relaxed, though he was twitching uncontrollably.

_Fuck, I’m so fucking sorry. I’ll take care of you._ When Virgil cut the last rope, they disintegrated into yellow dust. Roman tried sitting up, but cried out in pain. He clamped his jaw shut, screaming behind closed lips.

“Woah, hey, relax, don’t move. I can carry you? Should we go to your room?”

Roman sobbed. “I’m no prince…”

_Fuck._ “You’re totally a prince, you just…” _FUCKFUCKFUCK, THINK OF SOMETHING!!_ “...you just got wounded in battle! A prince doesn’t win every battle.” Virgil swallowed a few times to keep his voice from breaking. “You’ll win this one, we’ll help you. Can I get Logan in here? He’s good at first aid.”

“No! No, please…” Roman begged as he started curling up on his side. Virgil nearly lost his battle with nausea when he saw the lines of varying colors criss-crossing his back.

“Okay okay, I won’t!” Virgil said hurriedly. _FUCK._ “Can I carry you to your room? We should get your injuries cleaned so they don’t get infected right?”

Roman was weakly crying from behind closed lips again, but after a few seconds he nodded. Virgil let out a breath of relief.

“Okay, I’m gonna pick you up now, is that okay?”

Sobs broke out of Roman, but he nodded again, turning over.

_Oh god, shit, fuck. I gotta tell him before I touch him._ “Okay, I’m gonna touch your arm first, then I’ll start picking you up. Is that okay?”

With Roman’s additional nod, he laid a hand on Roman’s upper arm as lightly as he could. Roman flinched forward and cried out from pain, and Virgil removed his hand immediately.

“I-it’s o-okay,” Roman said, shivering. “G-go ahead.”

Virgil took a deep breath, touched Roman’s arm again, then slowly started picking him up. Virgil’s heart shattered with every pained moan and keen, and with how injured and light Roman was.

_Fuck, I’m so sorry Roman._

He sank out as gently as he could. _I’m gonna get you better Princey. I promise._

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Way to go Virgil!! Get 'im!! Any yay, Princey has been rescued!!


	15. Chapter 15

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Alrighty folks, this chapter contains Virgil caring for Roman right after they sink out of the theatre. It is in painful detail, and includes mentions of past sexual violence. There's also threats of suicide in this chapter. Stay safe. <3
> 
> This is also the chapter where our recurring cast of tw's no longer applies!

He rose up, despite the nausea it caused him, in the middle of Roman’s bedroom. The chains around the door to the Imagination glared at him.

_God, Roman, what else has been happening?_

Virgil walked into the bathroom, and focused on turning the bath dials until the water was warm, but not hot. He levitated one of the fluffy towels to rest on the bottom of the tub, then another one to go on the back of the tub.

“I’m gonna lower you, okay?”

Roman nodded against Virgil’s neck, so Virgil lowered him slowly, not caring one bit that his hoodie was getting soaked. The bath water turned a pink color almost right away, which terrified Virgil. Roman nearly shouted from pain when he was fully seated in the tub, and Virgil passed him a washcloth to give some semblance of dignity.

“Okay, I’m gonna get some soap, alright?” _How many times can I say okay today?_ Virgil thought slightly hysterically. He grabbed matching holiday-themed shampoo, conditioner, and soap that were all supposed to smell like cinnamon and vanilla, wanting to give Roman as much comfort as possible. Virgil nearly started crying at that.

He got an extra washcloth, and knelt by the tub, unsure of what to do.

"I can clean myself," Roman said. Virgil cringed at how his voice somehow sounded even _worse_.

"Okay, that sounds good. You sure? I don't mind."

"No, _please_ , he would… do things and it _hurts_."

"Okay! I won't touch you if you don't want. Do you want me to give you some privacy?"

Roman started panicked and thrashed in his attempt to grab at Virgil. " _Please stay!! I don't want him to-_ " his body began heaving with powerful sobs.

Virgil let Roman grab him, and Virgil held on too. "I'll _never_ let that fucking snake near you again," he swore.

Virgil felt a spike of anxiety a moment before Roman started to hyperventilate.

“Virgil, what if he _does_? I already can’t be the Romantic Side anymore, I’m ruined, I’m no good, and I’m a terrible Creativity, Thomas is going to make a new Creativity and Romance, what if Janus can take me? He’s going to take me again, I won’t be able to escape, I’m too weak and stupid, I’m so _stupid_ , oh god…”

“Woah woah woah! Princey, calm down, that’s not gonna happen, I won’t let it.”

“But I’m _ruined_ , I’m no good, he did so much Virgil, how can a- someone like _me_ be the epitome of Romance for Thomas?!”

Virgil held on more tightly to Roman. “I will fucking _kill_ Janus for what he did to you, and what he did doesn’t mean you’re less than what you were before. Thomas won’t form a new Side. You’re _so good_ , Princey. I promise. You’re _so good._ ”

Roman bawled. _“Th-then I sh-should kill myself s-so he h-h-has to!!”_

Virgil broke down at that, pulling Roman into a hug. “Roman, no! Please don’t! I love you, please don’t kill yourself!” He was sobbing, right along with Roman. After a minute of them crying together, Virgil pulled himself together slightly. “Please give us a chance. Janus has been hurting you for so long, give us at least as long to show you it can get better?”

Roman laughed wetly at that. “Starting your own “It Gets Better” campaign?”

“Damn right.”

Roman huffed, then started crying again. “I hate myself.”

Virgil lightly squeezed Roman, careful not to aggravate his injuries. “I know,” he said thickly. “We’ll make it better. Please, just give us a chance.”

Roman cried for a few minutes before he slumped. “Okay.”

Virgil had to stop himself from hugging Roman as tightly as he could. “Thank you,” he whispered. He let Roman go when the prince leaned back.

Virgil kept his eyes on Roman’s face while Roman used the washcloth and fragrant soap to clean himself. Roman was moving slowly, hissing through his teeth at the pain, tears still pouring out. He cleaned his feet and legs, shouting in pain when he had to move.

Once he got lower, he froze, and started crying again.

Virgil ached to reach out to him. "Do you want me to?" he asked in a hushed tone.

Roman shook his head. Virgil could tell he was holding something back.

_He's not gonna say it, time to throw spaghetti at the wall._ "Do you want me to hold your hand?"

Roman ducked his head in shame and nodded. Virgil held his hand out, palm facing up, and Roman took it after a moment. Roman shifted minutely to the side and yelled from the pain. Virgil squeezed his hand lightly, trying to keep him present. He leaned his head against the side of Roman's, trying to get him as much safe, grounding touch as possible.

"You can squeeze my hand as hard as you want, you won't hurt me," Virgil offered.

Roman took him up on his offer, and Virgil felt his chest twist when he realized Roman was squeezing as hard as he could, and that Virgil was barely affected by it. The pained sounds coming from the once-proud Side made Virgil's heartbreak and fury grow. Finally, Roman slumped against Virgil's shoulder, panting.

Virgil started rubbing Roman's back with his free hand. "There you go Princey, you did so good. It's over now. You did so well." He did his best to be as comforting as possible. “You’re so brave, Roman. So strong, I promise.”

Roman caught his breath for a minute before he was able to find the air to speak. "It's not over," he rasped.

"What?"

"I… my back and hair, my shoulders hurt from… from the ropes. I can't reach."

Virgil inhaled. "Do you want me to get those spots for you?"

"Please?"

Virgil felt his rage at Janus reignite at the unsure request. "I got you." He looked around. "I'm gonna grab a bucket of new water, is that okay?"

With Roman's permission, Virgil filled a large pitcher of water from the nearby shower. He got a new washcloth and gently washed away the sweat and grime from Roman’s back.

Virgil bit his lip. “Do you think you can lean your head back for me to use shampoo and conditioner on your hair? I don’t want that stuff getting in your eyes.”

Roman just tilted his head backwards. Virgil rinsed some water through it, then shampooed and conditioned Roman's hair. He kept his fingers gentle, subtly massaging the poor Side's scalp, until he was certain Roman's hair was free of product. He worked silently, sensing Roman had run out of energy.

Virgil drained the tub, and Roman dried himself off just as painfully as he had washed himself. Virgil got Roman fresh, clean clothes, and pretended not to see the menstrual pad Roman had summoned while he helped him change and get into bed. He used his magic to pull back the covers for Roman. Virgil was reminded once again how skinny Roman had become when he felt bones shifting beneath Roman's skin.

Roman crawled in and shifted over to the middle of the bed, curled up in the blankets, and started quietly crying.

"Oh Princey," Virgil breathed as his heart was shredded to bits. He stood there helplessly as he watched his friend suffer.

"Can I get you some water? Some food?" Virgil tried.

Roman sniffled. "Y-you've already done so much, I can't, I'm terrible, I'm sorry!"

"I want to help, Ro."

Roman curled in on himself. "W-water if th-that's n-n-not too m-much?"

"You got it dude." Virgil waited to visibly cringe at his word choice until he was turned away from Roman.

Virgil got Roman the water, and as he was slowly draining the glass Virgil started picking at the sleeves of his hoodie.

“Roman, what… you just went through, I can’t even _imagine_. I think it’s fair to say Janus is dangerous, and I don’t want anybody else getting hurt.” Virgil took a deep breath to steel his nerves. “I’m gonna tell the others that he’s not safe and to not interact with him, but do you… want me to tell them what happened to you? What Janus did?”

Roman set his near-empty glass on water on his leg. When he spoke, it was in a near-whisper. “I… d-don’t want you to, b-but if y-you think t-telling them will be the only way to keep them safe, then… yes.” Roman let his head drop down, and his chest began to heave in silent cries.

Virgil held himself back from touching Roman. “Okay, okay. Janus is locked in his room, but I know you don’t want to be alone. Do you want me to summon the other Sides in here, or should I go out of your room to tell them?”

Roman sniffled wetly. “O-outside, I d-don’t w-w-want to see their f-faces when-” he cut off, ashamed.

“You got it. Hang in there. I’ll be right back.” Virgil stood and got ready to sink out.

“And Virgil?”

Virgil turned back to look at him.

“C-can you stay the n-n-night t-too? I’m s-sorry, I sh-shouldn’t-”

“I can stay the night, that’s not a problem.”

Roman placed the glass of water next to him on the bed as he curled back up on his side. Virgil sighed, then sank out.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Let's see how this goes.


	16. Chapter 16

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter is a little lighter on the tw's. There are references to anorexia nervosa, anorexia athletica, and past sexual assault.

Virgil appeared in the shared living area of the Mindscape where Logan and Patton were. _I’ll have to tell Remus separately, gotta make this quick._

Patton was distraught, and Logan was doing his best to comfort him. They both looked up when Virgil appeared.

“Hey buddy,” Patton said weakly.

_Oh fuck, this isn’t gonna go well._

“Uh, hey.” _Stop stalling! You need to tell them, tell Remus, and get back to Roman ASAP!!_

“Was there something you needed?” Logan asked, voice soft.

Virgil grabbed the ends of his sleeves as he balled his hands into fists. “Janus, he… he isn’t safe. You should stay away from him.”

Patton tilted his head to the side. “What are you talking about?”

Virgil felt indignant, both for himself and for Roman. “I’m telling the truth,” he gritted out.

“I believe you!” Patton said wetly. “I just don’t know why! What happened?”

_Get yourself under control, asshole._ “I’m sorry, I just… he’s not safe. You shouldn’t be around him. No one’s safe around him.”

Virgil swore internally when Logan and Patton still looked confused. _As few details as possible._ “Okay, so you know how Roman’s been these past few months?”

Patton’s jaw started to wobble. “Yeah?”

_Fuck, no going back now._ “Janus has been hurting him. I don’t wanna give, like, a _lot_ of details, Roman doesn’t want me to, but I’ve locked Janus in his room temporarily and I’m taking care of Roman.”

Patton had raised a hand to his mouth, new tears pouring down his face. “How bad is Roman hurt?”

_Tread lightly, be careful, no more information than necessary._ “Bad. Really, _really_ fucking bad. I closed Janus’ room temporarily, but I need you to do it permanently. I also gotta talk to Remus and then go back to Roman-” Virgil cut off, suddenly overcome by emotion. He rubbed angrily at his face. A few seconds later, he felt Patton hug him tightly.

“You were so good to tell us, you locked Janus away, and you’ve been taking care of Roman. I’m so _proud_ of you kiddo,” Patton whispered.

Virgil let himself be held by Patton for a few minutes as he silently cried. He forced himself to breathe and to lean back. Patton let him but rested his hands on Virgil’s upper arms.

“Thanks guys, I gotta go tell Remus.”

Patton nodded. “Okay kiddo. Let us know if there’s anything we can do to help, okay? We both miss our dashing prince!”

Virgil’s lips quirked. “I’ll let him know. Thanks again.”

They exchanged goodbyes, and Virgil found himself in front of a green door.

_Here goes nothing._ He raised his hand and knocked.

“Don’t come in, I’m _indecent!_ ” Came an exaggerated protest.

_Hmmm. Fuck._ “It’s about Janus and Roman.”

The door flew open, and Virgil had to focus not to have a panic attack right there.

Remus looked awful. His eyes were sunken in, he was covered in blood that Virgil had no way of knowing whose it was, and he was pale save for dark circles under his eyes.

“Better make it quick, I gotta keep myself locked away like a virgin princess in a tower so Tommy boy doesn’t fuck this up!”

“Right. So, uh, the short version is that Janus isn’t safe to be around.”

Remus’ irises began glowing green. “And how does that involve Roman? Do I need to cut off snake dick?”

_He’s more right than he realizes._ “Let’s wait to see what Roman says. Right now, he’s resting. I think he’ll take a while to recover, but I’ll let you know once he feels up to company. I’m helping him recover.”

“You come all the way down here and don’t let me murder anyone?! Waste of my time!” Remus screeched, but he was smiling.

Virgil smiled back, suddenly exhausted. “Yeah. Good talking to you Remus. I’ll let you know soon.”

Remus slammed the door in Virgil’s face, and Virgil sank out to Roman’s room. Roman was laying on the bed, in the same position that Virgil had left him. Virgil wondered if Roman was asleep before he twisted his head to look at Virgil.

“How did it go?”

Virgil heard the unspoken _did you tell them?_ in his voice. “It went fine. I had to tell them that the reason Janus wasn’t safe was because he’s been hurting you, but I didn’t give any more details than that.”

Roman laid his head back down. “Thank you,” he whispered.

“Of course man.” Virgil shifted where he was standing. “Uh, where do you want me to sleep? I sleep on the bed, or I can summon a cot and sleep next to the bed. I don’t wanna make you uncomfortable or anything, and shit, I’m sorry, I didn’t mean-”

“I’m okay with wherever you want to sleep,” Roman said quietly.

_Shit, this isn’t gonna be easy._ “Okay, but do you have a preference?”

Roman curled up, and Virgil heard him start sniffling again. _Oh fuck, oh no, shit fuck I’m sorry Princey._

“C-can you sleep on the bed? Would you f-feel comfortable there?”

Virgil snapped himself into plaid sleep pants. “Absolutely.” He climbed into bed, but stayed near the edge. “Where do you want me?”

“Wherever you want,” Roman said quickly.

Virgil had to close his eyes for a moment before responding. “Where do you _want_ me, Roman?”

Roman started crying. _Had he ever really stopped?_ “I kn-know I’m g-gross, you d-don’t want t-to be n-near m-me…”

Virgil had to push down his irritation. _I’m tired and stressed, and Janus has been feeding him lies, the poor guy’s just been **raped** for Christ’s sake._ “I don’t think you are, and if you want me closer then I want to _be_ closer.”

Roman cried for a few more seconds before shyly asking, “Please?”

Virgil scooted closer until he was just a few inches behind Roman. Roman’s crying turned to bawling.

“I’m here Roman,” Virgil said. The crying from his friend nearly broke him. “Do you want a hug?”

“J-just a touch, please?”

“You got it.” Virgil rested a hand on Roman’s shoulder, occasionally murmuring what he hoped were reassurances, until Roman cried himself to sleep. Virgil waved to replace the glass of water with a water bottle, and kept his hand on Roman throughout the night.

/////

Throughout the next week, Virgil did everything he could to help Roman, who accepted his help for the most part. He was still having a hard time walking, and Virgil had to beg him to eat something, Roman brushing him off saying that Thomas wasn’t happy with his body and it was his job as the Ego to fix that.

Virgil had to excuse himself several times to cry his own tears.

Roman insisted on continuing to work by at least writing in his notebook. He hadn’t said much else about what Janus had done to him, barring mentions of how he was “ruined” and “couldn’t be the Romantic Side anymore”, and Virgil didn’t ask. He wasn’t about to make his friend, who had just been seen being so vulnerable and _hurt_ , talk about trauma that Virgil knew he wasn’t qualified to handle.

At the end of the first week, Virgil had just helped Roman get to sleep. He’d cried himself to sleep again, and Virgil pulled the blankets up to make sure he was covered up to his chin. The thought of Roman being cold made something twist in Virgil’s chest. He sank out to the kitchen, sat in a chair, folded his arms in front of him on the table, and rested his face in his arms.

“Hey kiddo.”

Virgil jumped and whipped his head up. Patton was watching him with a concerned expression.

“You okay?”

At the question, Virgil started crying and slapped a hand over his mouth.

“Oh, my shadowling. Can I hug you?”

Virgil nodded wordlessly, and he was wrapped up in a firm, warm hug a moment later. He curled into Patton, resting his forehead on Patton’s chest, Patton’s arms warming his own.

“There you go, you cry it out. It’s okay,” Patton soothed, rubbing Virgil’s back with one hand.

Virgil was able to pull himself together after a few minutes. He leaned back, and Patton let him go.

“Do you wanna talk about?”

Virgil smiled up at Patton. “No, but thanks. I don’t think Roman wants me to. He wants to tell you himself when he’s ready I think.”

“Okay. You’re doing such a good job taking care of him.”

Virgil grimaced and looked down at the ground. Patton tilted his head.

“Virge?”

Virgil shook his head. “Sorry, it’s not you, Roman’s appetite hasn’t been great and I haven’t been able to get a lot of food in him. He needs food- I mean like, in general, but especially now that he’s healing.”

“It’s okay V. Why don’t I make some tomato soup and grilled ham and cheese for our prince, hm?”

Virgil smiled. “That would be awesome, thank you Patton.”

“Sure thing! I’m gonna make some for you too, you’d better not be forgetting to take care of yourself!”

Virgil snorted and laid his head down in his arms again, dozing off until Patton set a plate in front of him, along with a glass of milk.

“Eat up, I’ll make another sandwich for Roman once you’re done.”

Virgil smiled up gratefully at Patton. “Thanks Popstar.”

Patton giggled and blushed.

_Worth it._

Virgil wolfed down his food, and accepted Roman’s lunch with another thank you, noting a handful of goldfish crackers Patton had included. He sank out to Roman’s room and appeared, with Roman stirring awake from his nap. Roman leaned up on one arm and blinked blearily at Virgil.

“Virg’l?” he asked, voice rough from sleep. He sniffed the air and his eyes widened.

Virgil suppressed a snort. “Patton made you lunch.”

Roman’s mouth dropped open. “He did?” he whispered in disbelief.

Virgil felt himself getting ready to cry again. “Yeah, it’s all hot though, be careful,” he said as he quickly set the tray on Roman’s lap. Roman winced less when he moved to sit every day, but it was definitely still there. Roman stared at the spread for a moment before looking between Virgil and the food.

“Do you want any?” Roman asked quietly, sadness and fear in his voice.

“Nope, Patton fed me already. You think he’d let me getting away with not eating?” Virgil teased lightly.

Roman cracked a smile at that. “I suppose not.” He picked up a half of the grilled sandwich, and once again his eyes were darting between the food and Virgil as he curled his shoulders forward slightly.

_I’m going to kill that snake if I see him again._

“Do you want me to not watch?” Virgil tried.

“No, no that’s fine!” Roman said quickly. Virgil raised an eyebrow.

“I’m sorry, I shouldn’t have lied, I’m sorry, it’s stupid.”

“It’s not stupid, I want to murder Janus for what he’s done to you, and please eat. Patton will be sad if you don’t.” Virgil knew it was a low blow, but he was desperate.

Roman sagged. “You’re right.” He took a bite of the savory ham and cheese sandwich, teeth crunching through the buttery and slightly salty bread. He closed his eyes and moaned, chewing slowly. Virgil smiled despite the situation, heart soaring.

Roman ate the rest of his lunch the same way, though Virgil noticed pensive looks drift over his face from time to time. Once he was done, Virgil snapped the dishes into the downstairs sink, and Roman leaned back.

“That was delicious.” Roman frowned. “How long do you think it’ll be before I can work out?”

Virgil’s heart sank.

“Princey, you’re hurt, and you’re really skinny already, you need the food.”

Roman scoffed and looked at the ceiling. “Do I though? I’m still covered in fat!”

Virgil breathed in through his nose, and exhaled slowly. “So are the rest of us.”

“Yes, but you all look good! I don’t!”

_I can’t do this again. I can’t._ “You’re not ugly, and you’ve never been ugly. Please, please stop saying those things about yourself.”

Roman continued to stare at the ceiling, face hardened. “Right.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Recognize that last "Right." from anywhere? :3


	17. Chapter 17

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hello again! We're taking another dip into rough waters. This chapter includes fainting, frank discussions of past sexual assault and sexual abuse, self-blame, negative self-talk, and about halfway through a character vomits.

The next day, Virgil and Roman were sitting in an uneasy silence when Thomas realized he needed to do a last-minute prop run. With Roman’s permission, Virgil excused himself to his room to help contain his anxiety. Virgil was watching the road, Thomas’ eyes darting around anxiously. He was thanking his lucky stars that he kept hitting green lights when a driver blew through their red light. Virgil pushed out adrenaline, and Thomas hit the brakes barely in time to avoid getting t-boned.

Thomas got through the intersection and pulled off into a nearby parking lot, panting. Meanwhile, Virgil was laying in his bed, still looking around for danger and slowly accepting everything was okay.

That’s when the muscle pain started.

_Oh fuck, not this again._

Virgil was soon nearly immobilized by full-body muscle cramps. He reached over to grab his phone and place a call.

“Hey L, overexerted myself again.”

“I’m on my way.” Virgil heard the phone beep as the call was hung up. He dropped the phone, forearms screaming at the effort.

Three crisp knocks sounded at the door.

“Come in.”

/////

Roman jumped when he heard knocking at his door several hours later.

“Come in,” he ground out.

“It’s Patton and Logan.”

Roman sat up and swallowed back the cry of pain. “Wh-wh-why?”

“Virgil’s hurt,” Logan said simply.

Roman leapt out of bed and limped over to the door as fast as he could, throwing it open.

Only to realize he was only wearing a t-shirt and sweatpants.

“He’ll be fine soon, but he’ll be unable to…” Logan trailed off, eyes going to Roman’s arms, littered with yellow and green bruises and rope burn.

Roman wrapped them around his stomach, self-conscious. Patton and Logan’s eyes were glowing their respective shades of blue.

“I’m sorry!!”

“Sweetie, no, you don’t-”

Roman started crying. “I wanted to help, b-but now I’ve shown off th-the u-ugly parts of m-me!! I kn-know they’re ugly, I sh-sh-houldn’t have exposed them t-to you!! I’m sorry, I know b-better!!”

Remus and Virgil appeared, summoned by Roman’s loud cries, and Remus was taken aback by his brother’s condition while Virgil supported himself on the wall.

Roman gasped when he realized Remus was there. “R-Remus, I-”

“Do I get to kill someone?!” Remus asked excitedly, eyes glowing bright green.

_Oh god, they’re all **seeing** me, they **know** how disgusting I am, how ruined I am, how fat my stomach still is._

Roman whimpered as his vision began to tunnel.

“He’s gonna faint!”

Roman felt himself get caught by strong, warm arms.

“I’ve got him, it’s okay Virge.” Roman felt himself get gently picked up in a bridal carry. He unconsciously whimpered at the pain.

“Shhhhh Roman, it’s okay,” Patton murmured. “Logan, can you get a washcloth damp with cold water please?”

“Yes.”

“Is he gonna die?!”

“I don’t think so Remus, I think he just got scared and overwhelmed. Poor kiddo.” Roman was laid on the bed a moment later, and had a pillow put under his feet. He could feel his consciousness and life returning to him as a cool washcloth was placed on his forehead.

“There you go buddy, come back to us,” Patton said quietly, taking one of Roman’s hands and rubbing his thumb over the back of it.

Everyone held their breath when Roman began to wake up. His breathing was uneven, and they realized it was because he was waking up crying.

“Oh sweetie…”

“I’m sorry,” Roman croaked.

“Shhhhh, none of that now. Deep breaths, there you go.” Roman was horrified when he remembered that Patton, wonderful sweet Patton, was _touching him_ without knowing what was wrong.

“P-Patton, you sh-shouldn’t, I’m g-g-gross.”

“You’re not gross sweetie. You’re just hurt, and that okay, we’ll take care of you.”

“But I’m gross!”

Patton frowned. “Why do you keep saying that?”

Roman cracked open his eyes in time to see everyone in the room staring at him with varying expressions of concern and confusion. Virgil was watching him mournfully.

_He saw, he **knows** how disgusting and ruined I am. And I’ve been manipulating him to **touch** me all week!! Janus was right, I’m truly a villain._

Roman closed his eyes and turned his head. That’s when he felt a punch through the Mindscape that could only mean one thing.

Thomas was here.

Roman whipped his head over to look at him, the washcloth becoming dislodged.

“Guys, what the _hell_ is- Roman, holy shit!! Are you okay?!” Thomas looked around the room. “What happened?! Fuck, are those _bruises?!_ What happened to your wrists?”

“Thomas,” Virgil said sternly.

Thomas winced when he realized Virgil was doing breathing exercises.

“Give Princey a chance to speak, yeah?”

Thomas’ shoulders curled forward a bit. “Yeah, sorry.” He looked to Roman. “Sorry Roman.”

_I can’t tell them, **oh god I have to!! They need to be able to consent to being around me, I can’t keep violating their consent and manipulating them!!**_

“I-” Roman’s vocal cords clamped down. _I’m too weak to say it, I’m no prince. I’m no hero. I’m weak, spineless, a coward, pathetic, selfish-_

“Do you want me to start?” Virgil asked roughly, now sitting at the foot of Roman’s bed, exhausted.

Roman swallowed thickly. “What do you mean?”

Virgil looked down and picked at the edges of his sleeves. “Maybe it’ll be easier if I say what I saw, and then you pick it up from there? That way, you don’t have to start. Or if there’s another way I can help.”

Roman considered that. _Virgil is truly noble. Oh god, they’re gonna know!!_ “You’re going to all hate me, and you should, you’re all never going to look at me the s-same w-way again, and damn me t-to _Hell_ for being s-selfish, but I c-c-can’t lose you!”

Patton brushed tears off his own face. “You won’t lose us Roman, I promise! We love you. So much.”

Several long seconds of silence passed before Roman asked in a thin, unsure voice, “Do you promise?”

Patton choked back his own cries. “Of course Roman.”

“I echo Patton’s sentiment.”

“Yeah, same here.”

“Roman, I could _never_ stop loving you!”

“I’ve always been the better twin anyways, so it doesn’t matter to me!”

Roman’s lips quirked at the last reassurance. It gave him the stability he needed to say,

“Okay Virgil.”

Virgil took a few deep breaths before starting, the room completely quiet.

“About a week ago, after Therese talked to Thomas, I felt that something was wrong with Roman.” Virgil paused for a moment, giving Roman room to tell him to stop in case he’d changed his mind. Roman still had his head turned away from everyone and his eyes closed. “I looked everywhere, and I found him and Janus in the theatre.” Roman’s chest hitched as tears threatened to escape. “Roman was tied down and hurt, and Janus-”

_I can’t say it._

_Roman went through it, the **least** you can do is **say** it._

“Janus had sexually assaulted him.”

Gasps and a loud, vicious snarl sounded from beside Roman. He felt his stomach start to lurch and his throat clench.

“I beat the _shit_ out of Janus, but he got away, and I’ve been trying to help Roman since then.”

“Honey, is-”

Roman shot up. “I’m going to be sick.”

Patton summoned a small trash can for Roman just in time for him to throw up into it. Patton rubbed his upper back, and Roman felt the last of his dry heaves subside. Logan passed him a mini bottle of mouthwash later, which he accepted gratefully.

Next to them, Remus was wearing a dangerous smile, completely void of any happiness. His head twitched to the side, and a light in the central area of the Mindscape exploded.

Patton vanished the trashcan and its contents, and Roman laid back down, curled on his side, weakly sobbing.

“Oh honey,” Patton breathed. “You don’t have to say anything if you don’t want to, I promise. I’m so sorry. We believe you.” 

Roman began bawling at that, not realizing how much he was scared they wouldn’t believe him until they said they did.

“J-Janus m-m-made me do other things t-too.” Roman heard his brother growl. “I d-didn’t w-want t-to!!”

“We know! Fuck, Roman, is there anything we can do?” Thomas asked.

Roman let out several painful sobs. _I have to tell him._ “I c-can’t be your R-Romantic S-Side anymore.”

Thomas reared back. “What? Why not?”

Roman gripped the thick blankets tightly. “B-becase I’m ruined! Janus t-took that away f-from m-me!! I’m n-no g-good anymore. I’m ruined, I’m disgusting, I’m gross, I’m useless, no good, no good-”

“Roman, are you still here?” Logan asked, worried.

“No good, useless, no good, no good…”

“Rat tails!”

Roman jumped at the sudden yell. “W-what?”

Remus grinned. “Remember when we went giant rat hunting after Thomas saw the _Princess Bride_ for the first time? That was fun!”

Roman remembered he and Remus had been trying out archery, but… “Y-yes?”

“Rat tails!”

Roman felt fondness for his twin’s strangeness. “I…” Roman realized his brother had just been trying to get him out of his head. “Thank you,” he whispered brokenly.

“Can I hug you?” Patton asked wetly.

“N-not from behind p-please?” Roman heard a quieter growl from Remus that time.

“Okay, I’m coming around now.”

Patton climbed in next to Roman, who kept his eyes stubbornly closed.

“You still okay with a hug? You can say no, I promise I’ll listen.”

Roman nodded, Patton gently took the shattered prince into his arms.

The love and tenderness from someone who Roman thought hated him, had him breaking down again.

_I missed hugs._

Unbeknownst to Roman, Patton’s entire eyes, not just the iris, were glowing light blue.

“No one’s ever going to hurt you ever again,” he vowed. Remus gulped and took a small step back at the passion in Patton’s voice.

Patton held Roman until he’d cried himself to sleep, then had Thomas drape a blanket over them. They all vowed to protect and heal their prince, and cursed themselves for allowing it to go on for so long.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Good on Virgil for getting Thomas to stop spiralling! He had a few too many Sides doing that all at once.


	18. Epilogue

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This is my first chapter with a title! It's a bit shorter than the others, and it's wrapping things up. There are references to Roman's past abuse, but it's very vague. Enjoy!!

Over the course of a year, everybody helped Roman heal as much as possible. Roman found Remus was excellent at coming up with distractions and someone to go to if he just wanted to have mindless fun and blow off steam. When Roman had admitted to Remus the state of his kingdom, shame-faced, Remus took it upon himself to battle all of the monsters and explain to the villagers in his own way that Roman was indeed a hero.

Thomas began therapy almost immediately, starting out as getting advice on how to help a friend, and then letting Roman take the reigns during appointments when he felt ready after 6 months. Therapy was slow-going, and they still had years to go if Roman wanted to fully recover, but Roman felt they had made some progress. After one session in particular where he’d mentioned some of the harsher interactions he’d had with his friends, the others explained they hadn’t said that and, after some miscommunication, realized Janus had been disguising himself as them.

Another benefit of therapy was that the other Sides learned how to help support Roman. When Virgil found out he’d been handling Roman’s body dysmorphia and anorexia all wrong, he’d apologized profusely to Roman and had Logan help him research so he wouldn’t mess up again.

Logan helped by, to Roman’s surprise, being excellent to talk to. He was steady, well-read on the subject, and happy to help his friend. If Roman was having trouble with something and he couldn’t figure out a solution, he often went to Logan first.

Patton helped by taking care of everyone. They had to nag at him a few times to take care of himself too, but Patton was just happy to be able to do _something_ , whether it was cooking or someone to get a hug from, Patton was just thrilled to be there and be able to contribute.

Roman was staring at himself in the mirror after a shower, hair styled.

 _It’s been well over a year since Virgil rescued me,_ he mused.

Roman’s eyes tracked to where his walk-in closet was behind the wall, and checked in with himself.

 _Okay, my thoughts are neutral today, which is much better than usual. I slept well, and I ate breakfast with everyone._ He blew out a breath. _Let’s see if I can do this._

Roman walked to his closet, towel wrapped around his waist. He gently took his repaired prince uniform from off its hanger. His vision blurred, and he clutched the fabric to his chest. He’d tried several times in the past year to put on his beloved prince uniform and wear that instead of baggy, plain clothes, but couldn’t get past the cruel taunts in his head saying how he wasn’t worthy, how he was awful, how he hurt others-

He shook his head. _No. No, I’m **doing** this, damn Janus to the deepest pits of Hell!!_ Roman threw off his towel, then reverently undid the buttons and zippers that made up his uniform. He stalled by taking a long time to pick out his undershirt. He settled on bright red.

Roman felt the fabric slide up his legs, over his arms, the weight of it familiar and new at the same time. When he notched his collar clasp, he walked over to the mirror like he was being sent to the gallows. Roman did several rounds of breathing exercises as well as a grounding exercise he’d learned in therapy, then slowly looked up.

 _Oh. Oh, oh this feels right._ Roman looked himself up and down, and felt a piece he didn’t know was missing click into place. Roman pulled his shoulders back, straightened his back, and puffed out his chest. He smirked at his reflection.

_It’s almost time._

Thomas had a script writing session for the next Sanders Sides episode, and all of the Sides would be there to offer their input. Roman steeled himself when he realized he was the last one to show up.

_It’s time._

Roman closed his eyes and sank out slowly, only to raise up quickly in his old position.

“Did someone say “Prince”?” he asked with a cocky smirk.

Thomas and Patton squealed in unison, Virgil was grinning widely, eyeshadow sparkly and purple, and Logan had a single tear down his face, smiling gently.

“Nice suit!” Remus screeched from behind him as he tackle-hugged his brother. Roman laughed heartily.

Remus jumped off a second later. “Ew, cooties!!”

Roman was still laughing when Thomas and Patton asked, “Can I give you a hug?!”. They blushed and looked at each other sheepishly, both men beginning to cry from happiness.

Roman quickly took stock of himself. _I can handle a few more hugs today._ “Yes.”

Patton got to him first, squealing and squeezing Roman tightly. Roman chuckled, letting Patton move them back and forth. When Patton pulled back, his irises were glowing a light blue and his cheeks were wet with tears.

“I love you Roman,” Patton said wetly.

Roman’s eyes pricked with tears. He leaned his forehead against Patton’s. “I love you too.”

After a moment, Patton stepped aside to let Thomas get a hug from Roman. Thomas hugged Roman with just as much excitement, albeit more gently.

Roman started crying from too many emotions for him to process. “I love you, Thomas.”

Thomas sniffled. “I love you too, Roman. You’re my hero.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Roman's got a long way to go still, but he's moving in the right direction and he's celebrating progress and victories!
> 
> Thank you for taking this journey with me!! I've always found it so hard to describe grooming and the escalation of abusive behaviors and what it actually _looks_ like, so I decided to make a condensed version where I "show instead of tell". I hope I did okay on that, and I hope you enjoyed this fic!!


End file.
